All that said, I want to let it all go for tonight. I want to write about Reagan since it's her first birthday today.
The other part of my problem is that writing about Reagan is so emotional for me that I can't find the right words. The phrases aren't big enough. I don't know how to write in a way that actually honors how I feel; it all falls so short.
If I had known during the hard parts of my life that later on I would have a friend like Reagan, it would've helped me hold on.
Despite all the mistakes I've made in my life, and there have been so, SO many, I wouldn't take any of it back because I wouldn't want changing them to take her out of my life. There's something so special about walking into her room every morning. Every morning I look forward to it, and I never get sick of it. I can't wait to see my sweet girl with her ragmuffin hair, and hear her say, "Hi!" And before I walk in every morning, I love hearing her babble to herself. Contented babbling, excited to start another day.
I love the way she plays during the day. She already has such a funny sense of humor. She'll throw herself onto blankets and smile up at you through the fabric. She loves making people laugh.
I love showing her things she hasn't seen before and seeing her point at them and say, "There!" I love when she points to things that I'm not showing her, like the day Chelsee and I were walking up the street together and she pointed out anything yellow. She gets so happy about such simple things, and it's easy to get excited about it all over again when I see how excited she is.
I anticipated that having kids would teach me a lot about being a mom. I knew it would enrich my life that way. But I didn't know that my kids would re-invent the world for me and make me appreciate the little things again. I didn't know that they would become my best friends.
I know that having kids has made my life a lot more messy, both literally and figuratively. But now, seeing environments without the chaos seem too sterile, and I wonder how people can live with so much quiet. I still envy how much sleep they must get, but I wonder if they can live as richly without tiny voices all around them and tiny fingers discovering new things all the time.
It's so cliche to say that it's the best thing I've ever done, or that it's the best job I'll ever have. Even though both of those are true.
So I'll leave it by saying that despite the crying and teething and screaming and stains, despite all the temper tantrums and missed conversations with friends, despite changing dirty diapers and getting soaking wet while giving them baths and never getting enough sleep, I'd rather be with these two crazy girls then with anyone else in the world.
So maybe this did end up being about both my girls instead of just Reagan, but this year of my life has been the best so far because she's been in it. I love you so much, sweet girl, and I'm so happy to be your momma.
