Dreams

The other night I had a dream about my Grandma Turner. In my dream my grandma was dying, and my family was all in the room with her, not too much unlike reality not too long ago. We knew she was dying, and she was talking, but every time she talked to my mom she called her by the wrong name, usually her sister's names. But in my dream, it didn't frustrate my mom at all. She would just gently correct my grandma.
I know the dream doesn't really sound like much, but I woke up completely awed, because the dream was saturated with the feeling of my mom's unconditional love and acceptance for her mom and for all of us. And it seemed bigger then just those two women, it was more about relationships everywhere and how beautiful they can be.

Jay and I have been lucky because his grandpa lived long enough to meet Kameryn. That's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget because she just stared at him for awhile as he held her, and then she started to cry and he started to sing to her. A song he sang with his wife before she died a few months before.
I wish she had a chance to meet my Grandma Turner. We weren't that lucky. I'll have to tell Kameryn everything I know about her, because she missed meeting a sweet, thoughtful, wonderful woman.
But in some ways I feel like she must already know her, since they're a part of each other. You can see it in her hands. She got my grandma's hands.

My Curse

Tonight I find myself in a situation I hate; my baby is sleeping and try as I might, I can't fall asleep with her. This happens about once a week, and it's the most nerve-wracking thing because every time Kameryn falls asleep it's like a timer counting down until she wakes up again and I never know how long the timer is set for. So I catch myself thinking, "I have to get to sleep, I may only have an hour left, or 15 minutes left, or maybe she'll sleep through the night..." And because I'm unsure and trying to force myself to sleep, I can't. And, if tonight is anything like last night, her timer will go off about 20 minutes after I fall asleep. That's always a fun scenerio.

New evidence that I'm a new, nervous, overprotective mother is always emerging. I started to feel sick earlier this week and Kameryn came down with a runny nose on Monday. I hadn't ever used one of the baby-nose-suction-outty things before, and I found that I pretty much hate it. While Kameryn was crying I thought to myself, "Hey, it's okay. No baby has ever died of a runny nose before....but since her doctor's appointment is tomorrow, maybe I should ask him, JUST to double check."

What It's About

My baby is almost two months old! It's so hard to believe, time FLIES by lately. It's been fun, though, because she learns something new every day it seems. We've mastered drinking from a bottle and she's getting a lot better at holding her head up and being able to lift it up and move it from one side to another when she's on her stomach. Every little advancement makes me so proud of her. My favorite development has been since she's started to smile. Sometimes when I walk in the door right after work I get a huge, toothless smile. Sometimes when I'm out of the room for a minute and then walk back in she'll break into another smile. I'm a total sucker for it. I think it's got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen and such a huge compliment. My baby saying, "Hey, I recognise you! Welcome back!"
Sometimes Kameryn will be fussing or crying and she'll stop when I pick her up. Then we can walk around, and she seems to cuddle up to me. It's one of the times I actually realize that I'm her mom. It sounds crazy, I know, but there's so much going on from day to day that it really is still shocking when I take a step back and think, "This is my baby and I'm her mom." It's fun because I can already tell how much she loves me, and it makes me realize how much I love MY mom.
I'm so lucky because Jay is so great with her, and she loves him so much. They often fall asleep together and I must drive them crazy by taking pictures of them all the time. He'll walk through the door in the morning after he's gotten off work and when she sees or hears him her eyes get so wide and she smiles and wiggles, she's so excited that he's back.
I love the place I'm at right now with my husband and our baby. My own little family.

Sweet Babies!

This is Georgia Noel Bills, Katie Isom Bills sweet daughter. She was born on June 10 at about 2:30 in the morning. Katie said her labor went relatively well up until the end when her epidural wore off. Georgia was 7 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches. Katie and Josh are so cute with her, both really sweet attentive parents. I wish I could spend some more time with them so we can share crazy baby stories, but we'll have to do it over the internet; Josh leaves this week for Arizonia and then Katie follows next Wednesday. Georgia's a lucky little beautiful girl, and of course Katie looks like nothing even happened to her, as sweet and beautiful as ever.

The In-law Problem

I have a small problem that I would like to consult my family about. The whole thing could be very sensitive to some people and so I will describe my problem as carefully as I can to avoid any hurt feelings. The problem is with my daughter, my mother-in-law, and my overprotection. Family-wise, I trust any of you to hold or watch my daughter. I don't even think twice about handing her off to someone who would like to hold her. At my in-law's house, it's a bit of a different story. And part of my frustration with myself is that I don't have any problem with Jay's dad holding Kameryn. I think he's so sweet to her and I know he really loves her and she holds a special place with him. My mother in law loves her too and wants to hold her. And when she does, I pretty much hold my breath until I get her back. I think all of you know the problems that Jay's mom has, and in addition to her mental problems she also takes medication that makes her shake really badly. And logically, I KNOW that mental illness is exactly that, an ILLNESS. I know she can't control it anymore than she can control the shaking as a side effect of the medication she takes. So that part of my fear I know is a little bit founded on some fact and I know I shouldn't hold any of it against her.
My biggest concern is the grudge I seem to hold against her. She called today wondering what plans she should make for Monday since I'm going back to work and said she's "looking forward to watching the baby." To this I admit thinking something like, "Um, no, NEVER." When we go over there sometimes I find myself thinking things such as, "This baby is in no way a part of her, she has no claim on Kameryn at all." And biologically it's true, but I should know better than to think things like that! She raised Jay and saved him from what could've otherwise been a really awful life for him. Yet I see the pain that she causes people, albeit out of her control, and I want to save Kameryn from that.
Does anyone have any suggestions on this? I know it's something I need to deal with as Mary Jane will be in Kameryn's life for as long as she lives. Plus, it's a constant problem since we live so close. Can anyone help me reframe this so I can get over it? I try to think that it's one more person in Kameryn's life that loves her and I should be grateful for that, but even that thought doesn't help.

The Slow Runner

So yesterday I heard the saying "A man running a race who finds he is in last place has two choices. He can either quit, or he can run faster." I know it's kinda lame but I really liked it. I think it's something I'm gonna have to keep in mind on Monday when I go back to work. I said during my pregnancy that I didn't want having a baby to keep me from the job I had gone to school for, but I still find myself HATING the thought of going back just because when Kameryn's not around I miss her. So I guess I have to be like the guy in the race and make the best of my situation and think of it in the best way I can. At least I'm willing to sacrifice to provide for my daughter, and maybe I can stay home with her when she's a little bit older and I have my next baby. Though, to be perfectly honest, the thought of getting pregnant again right now is even a little bit more horrible than the thought of going back to work. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!!

Jay's birthday is Monday, June 5th, and I'm writing this blog early because my life right now is pretty much determined by when my daughter sleeps and I have a minute tonight that I don't dare pass up. My husband is turning 23, and at the risk of sounding completely sappy I just want to tell him that I love him so much. We always have a lot of fun together and he's always looking out for me and helping me stay sane. Plus, I think we make perfect kids, but that's just my opinion. :) I love you, Crazy, happy birthday. I'm glad you stick around even though Paul doesn't approve. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.