Love Letter, Month 13

(I started this blog before I left, and I didn't publish it hoping to add to it, but it's been so long that I figured this will do for now.)

It might sound weird, but sometimes I have to remind myself that you're still so little. There are other times that I'm accutely aware that you're just over a year old. You have so much personality and you can communicate so well that sometimes you seem 13 months going on 7 years old. As you get older and learn more, I've found that the more work you are and the more fun you are seem to balance each other out most times, and even though you're getting to the point that you throw fits when we take things away from you or you don't get what you want, it's also fun to see you walk and hear your expanding vocabulary.Our biggest news from the last month is that YOU LEARNED TO WALK!!! You took a few steps that first day, and you've been practicing and concentrating so hard on it ever since then. Now you can walk a good distance and a good speed without falling down. You still have your feet pretty far apart, it's obvious that you're new at it, but every day you're getting better. And you LOVE to learn. You love walking with us holding your hands or your fingers, as soon as you have a couple hands reassuring you, you practically run around. It's fun to see something that seems so simple make you so proud.You're learning to say more and more and to speak fairly clearly, and sometimes I wonder what the words you've learned to say mean about us as parents. This month you've learned to yell, "BOO!" Your dad and me always run around the house with you, one of us hiding and the other jumping out to scare the other two, so I know where you got it from and that you have a lot of fun with it. The other night Aunt Chelsee was over and you would crawl around the coffee table until you could see her and shout "Boo!" She would act like it scared her, and you would laugh and crawl around the coffee table to do it again.

Your other addition is "Belly" and you can say "Button" with it, but not with the same clarity. You surprised us one night when you stuck your finger in your dad's belly button and proudly declared "Belly!" And you've done it a lot since then, wanting to lift up shirts to find belly buttons and the quickly put them back down again.

I love you, baby girl. I especially love how you make everything more fun. Yesterday we were sitting on the couch and you came over and put your head on my shoulder. It was such a simple gesture, but it meant a lot to me. I'm so proud of you, and so happy with who you are and who you're becoming.

Giving Cake to a Baby

Though I completely intended to, I never ended up posting about Kameryn's party of her birthday, and slowly I've been using the pictures we took during those times for other things. Because I'm impatient.

Her birthday party was a total success, even though when we got to Muller Park that night there was a baseball game going on, so there was no where to park. I had to come from work, and I got there a little bit early but not much, and when I got there it was Jay and his parents and Kami. And that was all. I knew other people were coming, but I couldn't help but wonder what we would do with all the food if no one else showed up.

It turned out that wasn't a problem we had. My mom came with Allison and Chelsee, Danae Gary and Isaac came, even though Gary was supposed to be working and had to switch shifts to make it, Alan and Nolana and their kids all came, even though Alan was supposed to be at a conference in Las Vegas which was a good surprise, and then my dad came and brought my Grandma Hanna, who came even though she'd had her foot operated on. And it turned out the food went well, and the problem was it started getting dark before we were done partying and taking pictures.

The part I was really excited about was Kami with her first birthday cake. We got one for her that was all her own, and I knew she wouldn't know what to do with it in terms of blowing out the candle, but I wanted her to enjoy eating it. I wasn't disappointed.

She started out a little bit dainty with it, notice the two finger pincher grasp. But as time went on, and with a little help from Jay, she started to dig in.

And before long she decided that this was too good to leave sitting on the table, and she tried to pick it up and get it as close to her mouth as possible, which led to this:

Luckilly we still had presents to open after dinner, which was enough of a distraction that Kami didn't get too upset about the cake. She got some really cool presents, including books and clothes, new stuffed animals and a handmade rocking chair from her Ertmann Grandparents, and a stitched pillow from my mom that says, "Grandma Loves Kameryn." She got spoiled, and it meant a lot to me how thoughtful everyone was with her birthday.

Her actual birthday was like Christmas morning for me, I was so excited to spend the day with her doing fun things. I was ready to party. She was a bit more casual about things:

We decided since she had so much fun at the zoo, we were going to take her to Tracy Aviary to see the birds. Chelsee wanted to come with us, and we talked Geoff into it by telling him about the "awesome bird show." The bird show turned out to be a bit of a flop, and most disappointing, Kameryn was completely UNinterested in the birds. Yeah yeah, whatever, she wanted to WALK. She wanted us to hold her hand so she could walk around, and THAT WAS ALL.

The part that ended up being the most fun for her, I think, was getting ice cream. Her own scoop of chocolate ice cream, which we let her eat herself, mess notwithstanding.

(Proof that at one point her shirt was clean.)

Every instinct Geoffrey has was telling him we should stop her, it was hard for him to watch the ice cream chaos going on right in front of us. But we let her do it all her way, and spent the time cleaning up afterwards. The main thing I learned from her birthday was that it's a good idea to keep it simple. I tend to over-do things, and this was definatly no exception. We had the most fun when I was able to sit back and let her be.

I think she'll be proud of how her first birthday turned out. I am.

The First of Many...

Kami has a set way of doing things. When she's introduced to something new, she usually studies it from many different angles, tastes it, and most recently, puts it on her head. This happens most often with food. At a Chinese restaraunt she put Won Tons on her head. While I was making Rice Krispie treats we gave her a marshmellow, which went on her head AFTER she got it nice and sticky. And this is what happened when we gave her carrots.
I have no doubt there will be more where this came from.

CREEPY

Last Saturday both Kami and Jay fell asleep in the afternoon, so I got some time to myself, which I spent looking at things on the Internet. There's a show that Jay listens to at night at work called Coast to Coast, which is basically the opposite of NPR; they talk about conspiracy theories and supernatural goings-on and such. On the website they have pictures that people have sent in of ghosts and UFOs and things, and I was getting a kick out of looking at them. So I happen upon a picture that someone has sent in from Salt Lake, and it freaked me out a little bit. It was this:

I couldn't really believe it since it was something so odd and I hadn't ever heard about it before. The next night I was out with Jay and Chelsee and Geoff, and I was telling Chelsee about it. She said she didn't completely believe that it was there because pictures are so easily manipulated, so we set out to find it. We found a site on the Internet that gave directions, thankfully, because it's in the Salt Lake Cemetery and we wouldn't have ever found it otherwise. And we drove almost directly to it, and the picture above is one that I took. It is, in fact, there.
I'm completely embarrassed by how scared I was driving into the cemetery. A bird cawed right outside my window that was rolled down, and I jumped so high it made Jay jump also. Chelsee and Geoffrey were totally making fun of me. And then, to make matters worse, I woke up in the middle of the night afterwards and was thinking about it. I was so scared I couldn't get back to sleep until I brought Kami into bed with me. She had been crying, I didn't actually go wake her up, but I'll admit I was grateful to have her with me.
I was more scared of the cemetery than I was of the gravestone; I find them so creepy that I think I might want to be cremated after I die. What I would like better is to not die at all, that's my first choice, and so being around it freaked me out.
ANYWAY, I'm posting about it because I'm wondering if anyone else has heard any stories or urban legends about this grave, or if it really is overlooked. I would imagine it would be one of the popular "ghost stories" you hear about in high school and go visit on Friday nights, but I didn't know anything about it. Anyone?

Fun at Grandma's House

Kameryn got a huge kick out of the fact that you could hit ANYWHERE and it would still make noise.

The best part of this was that Kameryn would try to dial the phone and then babble like she was talking, but her tone would go from serious to really high, as if the person on the other end was telling her something REALLY exciting. Then she threw her head back and started laughing. With any luck she won't inherit my "insessant talking on the phone while growing up" gene, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Happy 26, Gary!

To Gary, the former King of Coldstone who would give me and my friends ice cream when we'd ditch school and come visit you: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It was fun conspiring with you while you were on your mission to get Danae's ring size, and I'm glad you guys are together because you're a good husband, always patient and fun, and you're a great Dad. It meant a lot to me that you got work off to come to Kami's birthday barbeque, thank you for that. You've always been someone I can count on. Call us when you decide to break out the Mah Jong!

Influential Influences

It's interesting when I think of all the ways that Jay and I have affected each other's lives. There's obviously the big things, like we have a kid together for example, but then there's also other more subtle changes we've made that we may not have if we hadn't met.

For example, before Jay met me he was convinced that he HATED Chinese food. I would suggest it for dinner and he would flat out refuse. But I kept pushing until he tried it, because honestly, how can you not like an entire GENRE of food?! Come on, there's got to be SOMETHING tolerable. (Pay close attention, Chelsee. You like rice, you like cheese, so chances are there is SOME Mexican food you like.) Now, Jay is an addict. Any time he goes to lunch by himself, he goes to Panda Express. Often even if he's had it for lunch and we're going to dinner, he will suggest Panda. My mom got him a gift card to Panda for Christmas last year, and I think he had it spend by, say, Jan. 1.
Jay also hadn't discovered his love for Pink Floyd until he met me, and now he can sing along with Roger Waters with the best of them.

Jay has influenced me in a lot of ways, one of which is him helping me with my sense of direction. I'm not proud of it, but I'm directionally challenged. A lot of times after walking into a building I've never been in before, I don't know how to find my way back out. Jay, on the other hand, is the type that if he goes somewhere once, chances are he can get back. Even if it's miles away and three years later. So, after lots of patience and a lot of laughing at my expense, I can at least say I'm a LITTLE bit better at directions. Which basically translates to I've gone from the sense of a first grader to a third. And sometimes I know which way is North.
Also, I've grown an appreciation for The Smashing Pumpkins which I don't think I would have otherwise. Thanks to Jay they've completely grown on me. Even "Bullet with Butterfly Wings."

One thing that I haven't been sold on yet is camping. His parents think I'm crazy because I don't get immediate thrill out of the thought of setting up a tent and building a fire. I can't believe anyone would look forward to sleeping on the ground and peeing in a hole. Give me a hotel or a motel ANYWHERE and I'll be more content than spending the night on the cold ground.

That said, we currently have plans to go CAMPING the first week of June. We're going to South Dakota, which is the part that makes it tolerable for me, but in the back of my mind I'm also dreading the point in time where Kameryn realizes, No, there is no crib. But that sleeping bag?! It's all yours.

I'll be very interested to see if during my marriage I warm to the idea of camping, or if it turns into something that we just can't compromise on.

No Laughing Matter

I was working late tonight, walking past a room where a patient was waiting to be seen for a cough. As I passed he started coughing, the dry, horrible cough that doesn't produce anything but won't go away, and it reminded me of a time I went to the doctor when I was little. I had gone in for a cough, and it must've been pretty bad because my family isn't the "run into the doctor after the first sniffle" type, we wait a week. Or two.

So I had gone into the doctor, and he asked me to cough for him, and I did, which of course lead to a bout of coughing that I couldn't help and couldn't stop. And afterward he looked at me and said, "Wow, that's quite a cough. You don't smoke, do you?"

I must've been 7 or so, maybe younger, but I fired back a "NO!" that really said, "HOW DARE YOU?! SMOKING IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!" And I remember thinking about it later, and hearing my mom laugh when he asked it, and I realized it was a joke, but I decided not to be embarassed because I had told him very stongly how I felt about it. Plus, I'd always had a sneaking suspicion that he asked in a joking manner, but was really being serious.

It wasn't until today when I was reminded of the whole situation that I realized how rediculous that thought was.

I don't know what it is, but sometimes jokes doctors tell just get lost on me. Jay and I took Kami in for her two week check-up, and her stats were all good except her head was a little bit small. The doctor commented on it, and Jay asked, "Well, what happens if it stays small?" To which the doctor replied, without skipping a beat, "We'll have to do head-expansion therapy." I'm sure he was expecting a laugh, but instead me and Jay sat there silent, imagining it until Jay said, "Will it hurt?" He walke out of the room and just said to himself, "Don't joke with first time parents."

Working Girl

On Monday I started working full time, with my current shift being from 11-7, and so far it's been pretty miserable, mostly because over the weekend I've developed a cold, cough and runny nose. It's pretty sad because my doctor is sick as well, even though he hides it better than I do, so patients coming in get to be taken back by an MA who's obviously sick since the corners of her nose are red from all the wiping, and then get to be treated by a doctor who's voice is just a little lower than usual.

If I were the kind of person who believed that I've MADE myself sick to teach myself something (which I'm not, I pretty much figure I work in a doctor's office and we catch things sometimes) I would say that I'm sick because what I REALLY want is to be home with Kami. She's so fun, she's getting so verbal and she's practicing walking more every day. Honestly, while I'm at work I can't wait to go home because when I walk in the door she comes and gives me the biggest, longest hug. Then she pulls back, looks at me, laughs and hugs me again. I don't think there's anything better in the world.

But hopefully the bigger paycheck might make things a little nicer.

Incredible Women

She's the best mom, and also an amazing Grandma.

I think my life is full of incredible women, people I really admire and look up to. Aside from just being proud to have you in my life, I'm grateful that you're around to be in Kami's life and that you care so much about her. I think it's impossible to fail with so many strong examples to follow.

Obviously this picture isn't of incredible women, but I couldn't resist. Isaac is the cutest baby boy ever, and Danae is such a good mom to him. Happy first Mother's Day, Danae!

In No Hurry

One funny thing about me is that I'm in no rush to buy a house. I know all the perks, like getting equity and not throwing your money away by stuffing it into a landlord's pockets. Even knowing that, it's not a current strong desire for me, I'm happy to wait.

I think the reason is that I can only take so much permanence at a time. Getting married took some getting used to, and having a baby has taken away any more desire I have to completely define myself. I'd rather keep that aspect of my life open for now, not deciding on where I want to permanently be.

However, the one thing that makes me re-think it all is my upstairs neighbors. We received a nasty note one morning about how they have to listen to Jay's alarm go off at night, sometimes for minutes at a time, and they didn't say anything to us about it for over a year because they didn't want to cause problems, but if it happens again where they have to listen to it longer than they deem necessary, they won't hesitate to call the police.

I hate to admit how much the letter got to me, but it did. I'm constantly thinking now about how loud we're being, and if I'm in Kami's room when Jay's alarm goes off, I wait in agony until he turns it off. They were trying to bully me, and I took it, and still do.

The hardest part of all of it is when Kami cries in the middle of the night. Her doctor said I should let her be so she'll learn to sleep in bed by herself, but when it happens I bring her into bed with me to keep her quiet. The worst was when she was teething. She would cry and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it, and the whole time I would imagine what was going on upstairs.

That part of it would make getting a house a huge improvment, and until then, I need to figure out how to handle the upstairs neighbors.

HAPPY 7 MONTHS, BUDDY!

Isaac is the greatest baby boy ever! He's got such a sweet personality, giving huge smiles, especially lately. Then a lot of time he's really calm and patient, especially with Kameryn who likes to climb on him, put things on his head and saturate him with slimy kisses. I can't believe you're already 7 months old, buddy, but I'm glad to have you around. You make me so happy!

Red Flags

If any of you are worried about it, I just want to let you know that my secret still hasn't been published on Postsecret.com, so you can rest assured that the secret about being afraid the Second Coming would happen before they could read the last Harry Potter book isn't mine.

However, everyone besides Allison should be worried about me for another reason: I went into work on Friday and saw that we had gotten a new shot in, TwinRix which is both Hep A and Hep B, and my first thought was, "HEY, I WANT THAT!" So I went and put myself on the schedule so that I could get the shot, and worst of all, I was making a list in my head of all the other shots I wanted. I used to think Allison was totally nuts, but look at me now.

First Steps

Kami took her first steps today on two different occasions. I know I should be really excited, and I am, but I also feel bad because Jay didn't see them either time. They were completely unprovoked. We've been trying to coax them out of her in the typical way, trying to get her to walk back and forth between us, but she refused. Then this afternoon she was holding her toys and I think she figured it would be easier to walk with them than get down and crawl. So she took a couple steps before she fell.
It was the same story later on tonight, except Jay had already gone in to bed. Same situation: Her hands were full with Quackers and her Glow worm and it just seemed an easier way to get around.
Seeing such a huge advancement being done in such a casual way makes me realize how fast she's growing up. I'm so grateful to have her around and to have such a healthy, happy baby.
Now all I want is for her to walk tomorrow while her dad can watch.

A Slow Start

I made the goal for myself to get back into the habit of writing, and I wanted to start writing every day again in May. That lasted for the first day. But I'll start slowly if I have to because it's a habit I like to embrace, writing something at the end of every day.

Things at work have changed a little bit. Aside from Allison leaving, which TOTALLY sucks, one of my doctors also left to go work in another clinic, and so I've been working for one doctor with extended hours. I normally work from noon until close, which was at 5, but they've extended my shift until 7. I don't mind it, we've been so busy that it goes by really quickly. The only hard part is coming home and Jay needing to go straight to bed.

Kami had her one year appointment yesterday. She's 22 lbs and 30.5 inches. Not too surprisingly, she's in the 90th percentile for height. I decided to give her the 4 shots myself, even though I was dreading it. It's hard, as a mom, not to stand back and critique the other MAs while they're giving shots, and I don't like how they do it as much. Kami was tough and seemed to forgive me quickly. She cried, mostly because we were holding her down, and when I was finished and I picked her up she stopped.

So there's a May update for everyone, and I pronise to be better about writing, mostly for myself.

Love Letter, Month 12

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KAMI!!! I can't believe my sweetest girl is a year old. When I sit and rock you to sleep at night in the rocker in your room, it's so easy to remember the first few days after we brought you home from the hospital. Some of my clearest memories are cuddling up to you when both of us started to fall asleep. I don't think there's anything sweeter than cuddling up with your baby to fall asleep. I also remember sitting in that room, watching the clock anxiously to make sure you breastfed for 15 minutes on each side. I know that's probably not the funnest thing to muse about, but it's funny what having a baby will do to you. When you're pregnant you get to worry about your backache and making it to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Then your baby is born and you're faced with making sure she's warm/cool enough and has enough to eat and her diaper is clean and getting shots every couple months.

And I think maybe I've presented it making it sound like a hassle, but I don't think of it that way at all. Having you in my life has been so rewarding from the very beginning, from that first ultrasound. When you were first born you were so amazing to me, and my little love. As you grow older you just add to that, and now at a year old you're so fun to be with and completely entertaining. And you still keep me on my toes and are constantly teaching me new things, and I love that. Sometimes not while it's happening, but always in retrospect.Some months go by and you happilly spend them perfecting what you've already learned. This last month wasn't one of those. You seemed to keep learning new things and the long awaited tooth FINALLY arrived. It gave us a lot of trouble and we didn't get a lot of sleep some nights, but now it's there, white and crooked and alone for now, and it might be the cutest thing ever.

You also learned to stand up, which I think you may have taught yourself because you wanted the attention. Unlike a lot of babies, you didn't teach yourself to stand up on the furniture and then let go. Your expectations were higher than that. You would go into the middle of the room, put your feet and hand on the floor, and then push up on your thighs until you were standing. At first you would grunt from the effort of it all as you righted yourself, but you've praticed so much now that you've even added to it: You'll stand up and dance, or bend down to pick up your toys and then stand up again. Even now I'm really impressed by it, and I know that your first step isn't too far off.

Allie was in town this month, and at first you weren't quite sure what to make of her. You would let her hold you for a minute or two, and then you wanted us to take you back. However, we know your weakness: You LOVE hair. It's a fascination of yours I don't quite understand and don't know what to credit to, but it's almost fool-proof, and when we wanted you to give Allie a second chance, all we had to do was show you her long, luxiourious hair, and you were won over. Sometimes you were so overcome you wanted to lick her hair, and yes, sometimes you did before we could stop you. By the end of the month there were times that you wanted Allie to hold you, and even if I came over to take you back, you wouldn't come to me.

This past month you've gotten really good at trying different foods, and you seem to like most of what you try. We've given you rice, eggs, a bagel, fruit, chocolate, chips, pickles, fries, noodles, and most recently ice cream and cake. You happilly gum what we give you and leave a trail of food behind you, so I'm not sure how much you actually eat, but it amazes me that you're old enough now that when we go out, we usually order something small for you.

Lately you've become a master at imitation. You laugh when we laugh, throwing your head back, and you'll copy words we say to you, including "Mama," "Dada" and most recently "BA!" while pointing to your belly button. This, of course, means that we'll have to be a lot more careful in talking around you, but it also has been positive, like the other morning when you watched your dad and me brushing our teeth and you decided you needed to do it, too.

As for your birthday, we celebrated twice. We had a barbeque on Friday night with your family, and then we went out on Sunday to do some things we thought that you'd enjoy. Both were a lot of fun and deserve their own posts, but I have to say that your party turned out really well, and a lot of your family came, including Aunt Nolana and Uncle Alan and your cousins, your Grandpa up from Provo and your Great Grandma Hanna. I was touched by how many people came because they love you. You're so lucky to have so many people aroun you who support you, and I hope that's something that you don't forget as you grow up. We had a lot of fun, took a ton of pictures and we found out how much you like chocolate cake.

For your actual birthday on Sunday we went to breakfast and then we tried to take you to Tracy Avairy. You liked the zoo so much that we thought you would like the birds, but we were wrong. All you wanted to do was walk around on the grass with help from me or your dad or Aunt Chelsee. Anytime we tried to show you the birds you would glance over, take it in, and then get back to walking around, which was much more important.

After we walked around Tracy Avairy we decided to go get some birthday ice cream, and since it was your birthday we let you try to eat it yourself, no holds barred. It turned into a classic example of how you can take something ordinary and make it into something really fun. First, you decided that three spoons were better than one, followed by deciding that the more there was on the table, the better.

By the end you, the table, the floor and my shirt were all covered in ice cream, which you loved. You would break into a huge smile, and then throw your head back and laugh, which made all of us do the same. I think you probably ate one spoonful of ice cream, but it was completely worth it.

I know I always end these posts telling you how much I love you, but tonight I left it up to my good friend, Dooce (because I'm SURE we could be good friends if she would ever write me back!), because she eloquently writes the thoughts I have but stumble over in trying to verbalize them. She wrote this to her daughter, Leta:

Leta, I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, a life through the magic of your eyes, a life that I am finally able to appreciate fully since I got the help I needed for my disease. The world has more color in it because you are looking at it, music is a bit louder because you are hearing it. I never knew how funny a noise could be until you laughed at it, or just how excruciatingly handsome your father was until I saw your profile next to his. I thought that there was meaning in my life before you came along, but Hell if I even knew the meaning of meaning. For the majority of my life I thought I had religion, but never has there been a more reverent moment in my life than walking into your room late at night to watch you breathe, to hear your life in the air. If there is a God, you’d certainly be proof that he or she exists.

And that sums it up pretty well. I love you baby girl.