Reagan is A Year Old!

I get nervous when I only want to write about one of my girls. I worry that it's not fair, and I wonder if I did the same thing for the other girl on her birthday/special occasion. Do I say nicer things about Reagan then I do about Kameryn? Are there more pictures of Kameryn than there are of Reagan? Sometimes worrying about it prevents me from writing anything at all because I don't want to seem like I prefer one or the other, or like I love one more than the other. It seems like a silly thing to worry about when I write it out like this, but it's true.

All that said, I want to let it all go for tonight. I want to write about Reagan since it's her first birthday today.

The other part of my problem is that writing about Reagan is so emotional for me that I can't find the right words. The phrases aren't big enough. I don't know how to write in a way that actually honors how I feel; it all falls so short.

If I had known during the hard parts of my life that later on I would have a friend like Reagan, it would've helped me hold on.

Despite all the mistakes I've made in my life, and there have been so, SO many, I wouldn't take any of it back because I wouldn't want changing them to take her out of my life. There's something so special about walking into her room every morning. Every morning I look forward to it, and I never get sick of it. I can't wait to see my sweet girl with her ragmuffin hair, and hear her say, "Hi!" And before I walk in every morning, I love hearing her babble to herself. Contented babbling, excited to start another day.

I love the way she plays during the day. She already has such a funny sense of humor. She'll throw herself onto blankets and smile up at you through the fabric. She loves making people laugh.

I love showing her things she hasn't seen before and seeing her point at them and say, "There!" I love when she points to things that I'm not showing her, like the day Chelsee and I were walking up the street together and she pointed out anything yellow. She gets so happy about such simple things, and it's easy to get excited about it all over again when I see how excited she is.

I anticipated that having kids would teach me a lot about being a mom. I knew it would enrich my life that way. But I didn't know that my kids would re-invent the world for me and make me appreciate the little things again. I didn't know that they would become my best friends.

I know that having kids has made my life a lot more messy, both literally and figuratively. But now, seeing environments without the chaos seem too sterile, and I wonder how people can live with so much quiet. I still envy how much sleep they must get, but I wonder if they can live as richly without tiny voices all around them and tiny fingers discovering new things all the time.

It's so cliche to say that it's the best thing I've ever done, or that it's the best job I'll ever have. Even though both of those are true.

So I'll leave it by saying that despite the crying and teething and screaming and stains, despite all the temper tantrums and missed conversations with friends, despite changing dirty diapers and getting soaking wet while giving them baths and never getting enough sleep, I'd rather be with these two crazy girls then with anyone else in the world.

So maybe this did end up being about both my girls instead of just Reagan, but this year of my life has been the best so far because she's been in it. I love you so much, sweet girl, and I'm so happy to be your momma.

The First, Probably the Last

Kameryn's hair is coming in on it's own schedule. I know some people wonder if we keep it short on purpose, the answer is no. That's as much as has grown in her 3+ years. However, her bangs do grow so that they get into her eyes. So, today I decided to cut her bangs. Myself.

Turns out it's harder than it looks. I may leave it to the professionals from here on out. Here's to hoping her hair grows fast so my handiwork can be fixed soon.


Also, the other night Reagan's hair looked like this:
I swear I've seen someone with hair that crazy before. Hmm. Who could that have been?

20

MeL did this meme on her blog, and when I saw it I fell in love with it. What an awesome experience to say exactly what you mean to someone, and in a way end up saying it to everyone? I've been thinking of what my 20 phrases would be, and which 20 people they would be to, and in doing so I've realized that some of them, though unintentional, could actually apply to more than one person. And sometimes, both in compliments and complaints, they could just as easily be directed at myself. So, with that in mind, I'm going to do the list of 20 things I haven't said before.

1. I think people, including yourself sometimes, misunderstand you and thinks that you're weak. You're not. I'm constantly reminded that you have a real power inside you that you don't always tap into. I wish you would.

2. It's been interesting watching your journey. I haven't always loved where you've been, but I'm excited about where you are now. I'm glad that I'm more of a player at this point instead of just a spectator. And for all the mistakes you've made, we've both learned a lot.

3. I envy your dedication and stubbornness. If I had a wish for you it would be that you always stay that true to yourself. My second wish would be that you try harder to let people in. But if, at the end of the day, you're happy with yourself and your decisions, then I will always support you.

4. You're so talented. I love seeing the ways you express yourself, and in a way I even love waiting during the quiet times in between, because when you do what you do, it's magic. And you make it seem effortless.

5. Even though I might not ever say it this clearly in person, I am glad to have you in my life. You've taught me that the way to accomplish something is to jump in, and what seems daunting from the outside may be easy once you're in it.

6. There are so many things I love about you. There are so many things about you that make me crazy. You should know that I'll always be here, no matter what happens, no matter what mistakes you make. And I appreciate that you always listen to me, and can make me laugh.

7. I feel like you see the me that I want to be in addition to the me that I am. Sometimes I'm intimidated because I know I'm not living up to everything that I could be, but most the time I feel reassured that you believe in me, sometimes even when I don't.

8. You make me happy. I'm ecstatic that you're in my life. Even though we're new friends, I feel like our souls have known each other a long time.

9. I love that you don't fear being misunderstood. You're not afraid of standing alone or venturing away from the safety net. I wish I could be more like that.

10. You have a quiet stubbornness about you that I don't always agree with, but that I admire. I think I could learn a lot from you, and I'm sure there are ways that I already have, and I wouldn't be the same person if you weren't in my life.

11. You say it like it is for you. Sometimes you're right, sometimes not, but I love that you lay it out there for people to see. It's refreshing to see the games you aren't willing to play.

12. I am amazed by your humility. Though sometimes it has been detrimental, overall I'm impressed with your quiet strength. I think the people in your life are better off and willing to try harder because we know that even if we fail, you will be there.

13. You seem to take things as they come and make the most of the hand you're dealt. And though I think that's a good quality to have, I wish that you would speak out more often when things aren't going the way you'd like. Sometimes you might be wrong in voicing your opinion, but right or wrong, we'd still like to know what you think.

14. I'm proud of you. I really like having you around. You've always been someone I respect and even though I don't like to admit it, your criticism is the hardest to hear because of that.

15. Don't put yourself down. Don't pretend that you play second fiddle and it's okay for you to stay in the shadows. It's what people expect, and it's the one thing standing between you and all you hope to accomplish.

16. I appreciate your support. You picked up where she left off, and she would be proud of you. I love that you always remember what others often forget.

17. You're a force to be reckoned with. You always have been. You make things adjust to you, rather than changing to fit in. Don't let that go out in you. Don't let go of it.

18. You're beautiful and powerful and smart. Please don't downplay it because when you don't recognize it in yourself, it's harder for me to see it in myself.

19. You listen to me. You let me tell you my truth even when it isn't pretty or polished. I've been able to accomplish a lot because I know I have you on my side.

20. When I'm trying to decide if I should take a risk I think about things you've said to me and they always encourage me to do it. Thank you for your support and friendship.

Showing Off

So excited to see Aunt Chelsee!

Plus, it might be the only video or picture I've posted lately when the apartment is still clean. Which means it was within 5 minutes of cleaning up....

True Story

Some girls sleep with dolls.

Some kids sleep with a blankie.

Isaac sleeps with his green monkey.

Kami sleeps with her love, too.

With A Little Help

She's cheating in this video, but you can tell how excited she is!

Breaking in the New Pool

Qualifications

Me, to Kameryn: "Hey baby."

Kameryn: "Mom, I'm not a baby."

Me: "That's right, you're a big girl."

Kameryn: "Yeah, I'm a big girl because I drink a sippy cup and I drink soda."

Figuring It Out

I don't know about you guys, but after eating ice cream there's nothing better than taking your dress off and putting on some long socks. At least, that's what Kameryn does.


Meanwhile in the living room, Reagan had run into a problem. The PlayDough that she wanted was on the back of the chair, and she couldn't reach it. But she REALLY wanted it. So what should a baby do? Well, find something to stand on, of course!

Smart kids. They make me so happy.

Lovin' Lemon

We got Reagan a little lemon sorbet ice cream (dairy free, I promise!) and she really seemed to love it.
Maybe not the first bite, but she loved it after that.

The Petting Zoo; Or Gus the Hungry Kid

Kameryn loves horses. She is constantly playing with horses in many forms: We have a plush horse, a rocking horse, big plastic horses that go in a stable, smaller horses that are also hard plastic, and my little ponies for bathtime. She also watches "Spirit" which in our house is referred to as "The Horse Movie." And my least favorite: often Kameryn will pretend she's a horse, which means that when I ask her questions I get a high pitched "whinny" instead of an answer. Overall I can understand the horse obsession since I went through a horse phase of my own, and so I like to encourage Kameryn and let her know that if she loves horses so much, there's a way that she can be around them. This is how the idea came of taking her to the petting zoo that also has horse rides for $3.

Meet Charlie.
Charlie was the horse that Kameryn got to ride, and she absolutely loved it.
The petting zoo was also really cool. Most of the animals were just out walking around instead of being in separate cages, and the goats especially would come right up to you.
As soon as we walked in and Reagan saw all the animals, she started laughing. It was a sweet, contagious little belly laugh.One goat was especially ambitious. And hungry. He was over at the chicken coop trying to get leaves. And the wind was blowing, so it was no easy task. But he wasn't about to give up.And there, by the chicken coop was where we first saw Gus. Or course he was irresistible because he was so small and cute, but we would soon find out three things about Gus:
The first was that him and Kameryn were destined to be friends.
The second thing we would learn about Gus is that he liked to climb on the other animals. And none of them really seemed to mind.And the third thing about Gus was that he was always hungry, and open to trying new things.This handsome devil was Gandolf. He was the most respected and revered animal in the petting zoo. He is the local medicine man/shaman, and even Gus knew to leave him alone. And that says a lot.
We went about our business, looking at the animals and we knew that Gus was following Kameryn around. All the while Gus was forming a secret plan we didn't know about:
As soon as Kameryn sat down Gus had his chance. He came up to her, playing sweet and innocent....And then, before we knew it, he attacked. He was after one thing: Kameryn hair.By then it was time to go, so Kameryn rode Charlie one last time, and that concluded our petting zoo adventure. Kameryn, as you can imagine, is eager to go back. Sneaky goat and all.

Momma Mia

It's really fun, MOST of the time, to hear things that Kameryn has picked up from us that we weren't intentionally trying to teach her. This is one of those examples. I listen to the Momma Mia soundtrack in the car, and Kameryn apparently learned the words to this one.

Sorry that it's sideways. I still don't know how to turn it.

Moments I Would've Missed #1, #2 and #3

The week before I was officially off work I had a day off that I spent cleaning and making dinner and watching my girls. And it was kinda awful. The rooms I cleaned were dirty again within minutes, the dishes I washed were used for dinner and then just sitting there, waiting to be washed again. And my girls. Reagan is at a stage right now where she wants to be held CONSTANTLY. But Kameryn doesn't want to be ignored, so she wants me to hold HER constantly. So when I'm not holding them, they're both at my feet, begging to be held. And if I'm holding one, the other is at my feet crying at the injustice of it all.

At the end of the day I couldn't help but think I had made a terrible mistake quitting my job. How could I handle that all day, every day?

I came up with the idea of taking pictures of things during the day that I would've missed if I was at work. The little, sweet things that aren't particularly newsworthy, but that make you smile. And they started immediately.

#1: I was trying to get the three of us out the door. It's no small task, and if I'm trying to do it in a hurry it can be really frustrating. So I'm telling Kameryn that "We need to hurry! It's time to go!" And I go into the bathroom to get myself ready. And when I come out Kameryn has put her own socks on in an effort to help me out. Trouble is, she looks like this:It was perfect because it made me stop and realize that I was making something into a big deal that really didn't matter.

#2. No story behind this one, except that Reagan has been getting up at about 7, so I do as well, and we hang out for an hour or two while Kameryn sleeps. I was going in and out of the room cleaning up, and once I came in and found Kami like this:#3. I was hanging laundry in my bedroom and the kids were playing in the doorway. Kami would open the door, come run around the room, and then go out the door and slam it behind her. Reagan was getting really close to the door and once her fingers were so close to getting slammed that I told Kameryn she needed to stop slamming the door. Which of course, she didn't. So I told her if she did it again she was going to time out. And she did it again. So I put her in time out and told her to stay there until I told her she could get out. And then I went back to folding laundry, Reagan still playing happily on the floor, and Kami wasn't seeming too upset about being in time out. And things were SO quiet, but I didn't think much of it because I figured Kami was watching a movie. I didn't realize that I hadn't ever let her out of time out. And so I walked in the other room and saw:I'd say my chances of winning "Best Stay at Home Mom EVER!" are pretty much shot.

They Say It's Your Birthday...

Kameryn's 3 year birthday started out the way all birthdays should, with a "coffee." Obviously it's not REALLY a coffee, who would give a 3 year old coffee? That would be crazy! But a vanilla steamer in a Starbucks cup is just as good.

Kameryn's very first birthday present was actually something Jay and I got her the night before so we could set it up and have it ready. Kameryn could hardly wait, and everything we pulled out of the bag HAD to be the fish, right? Pink rocks? Were the fish in there? A heater? With fish, right? We didn't know if fish were going to be a good idea, we thought Kami might ignore them or not get too excited about them. Instead we got the total opposite reaction, of "You mean to tell me we have a fish tank with no fish?! And we have to go to bed and wake up tomorrow before we can get the fish?! What is WRONG with you people?!" (Jay was the one who bought the tank and everything that goes with it. If I had been the one picking things out I definitely would've gotten a little plastic castle for it. I added that for the 2 people who read my blog and will get the reference.)Chelsee came over when she got off work and we went to the store to find a present for Kami. We would hand her something and then ask if we should put it back, thinking once we found the PERFECT present she wouldn't want us to put it back anymore. We gave her barbies, stuffed animals, princesses on horses....but every time we asked her if we should put it back she said yes. Until we got to some figures. Of horses. She found 2, and after that didn't even want to see anything else. A baby horse? "Please put it back." The way she said it sounds polite, but she said it in a way that meant, "Morons, stop wasting my time." She did it with dinosaurs, an entire tiger family, even movies. Sometimes she would switch it up and tell us that the present we were showing her was "Too small for her." And sometimes "She was too little" for it.

Eating M&Ms with her Superman balloon. I'm so proud.
Pondering the life of a 3 year old. Surrounded by various treats and the card from Aunt Nolana.
We had planned to have a barbeque with Jay's parents for Kami's birthday, but Jay's mom was diagnosed with pneumonia earlier in the day, so that plan was nixed at the last minute. So after Jay got home we went to dinner, got some fish! Finally! And we had her blow out her candles. Not wanting to use the sheet cake we bought for just the three of us we used a red velvet cake we already had in the fridge. Kami blew her candles out, asked to do it again, did it a second and a third time, and then we went to bed without actually eating any cake.Our new fish. Or at least an abstract picture of what our fish might look like.

On Saturday we had a BBQ at Allie's house to celebrate. I attempted to do Kameryn's hair, and when I finished and she looked in the mirror she exclaimed, "I look like a mouse!" I did take pictures of her hair with a shirt on, but I chose this one because her face in this looks EXACTLY like a picture of Chelsee when she was younger. EXACTLY.

Opening a present from Danae.More Horses! Does it get any better than that?!

Paintbrushes!
Paint! And play dough! And more paint to paint a cow bank! Crayons! And a coloring book!
Pumpkin quizzing Kami on colors.
Thank you to everyone! Kami had a great time and got totally spoiled!