Friday Night Love Fest

I'm not usually a big fan of Friday nights. Lately when I get home from work Jay just needs to sleep, and it's hard to spend Friday nights without him and still have fun. Tonight was that kind of night, when I got home Jay made dinner, but then went to bed shortly afterwards and it was just me and Kami.

We watched "The Pursuit of Happyness," and I really loved it. The best part to some people might be how the main character achieves his goal, but for me the fun of it was watching the Dad and son. I felt really in touch with their relationship and with the dad's protectiveness. I identified with how he was always trying to keep his son safe and distract him from the obvious problems while he tried to make their lives better.

All in all, I don't think there's anything better than watching parents with their kids. I remember back when I was in 5th or 6th grade, me and some friends of mine had walked up to Oak Hills Elementary to play. When we got there we found a mom with her son, and they were playing baseball. I remember feeling a huge amount of jealousy and an aching in my stomach, missing something I didn't have. I remember thinking that I wanted to be that kind of Mom.

I've found that my realtionship with Kameryn is something that is really powerful. So much, in fact, that I really try not to let myself live through her. It's hard, though, because I'm so proud of almost everything she does and I love her spirit. I try not to live THROUGH her, but I think that she has taught me a lot about how I want to live. I also try not to let her define me, I don't want to get caught in the trap of JUST being Kameryn's mom. But in a way she has defined me in a way I can't really change, and wouldn't want to. I love being her mom and I would do anything for her.

One of the best and scariest parts of being with Kameryn is when she's sick or hurting and all she wants is for me to hold her. I love that I can GIVE that feeling that I get from my mom, healing her a bit by just being there. It's also a time that I feel helpless, I hate when Kameryn is hurt or sick and I would take it away from her in a second if I knew I could.

One thing I want for us is I don't ever want to take Kameryn for granted, or think of her as a burden. Sometimes, I will admit, that is easier said than done, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't want to be without her.

And nights like tonight end up being perfect because she's around. When she's drinking her bottle with her head in my lap and I can sit and stroke her hair, I'm glad that we can sit and keep each other company on Friday nights.