I recently finished a book by Jonathan Safran Foer called Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud. Or Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close. As you can see, I have a problem matching adjective to verb. Or adverb to verb? Let's move on with the blog. And yes, I do know that my mom read that first part and cringed while reminding herself that I am my father's daughter.
I've read two of Mr. Foer's books, the other one being Everything Is Illuminated. Now I can say with a comfortable amount of confidence that these books aren't feel good books, and they don't have a happy ending, or even explain themselves for that matter. They're like a little slice of life, unapoligetic and not neat, clean or rounded off at the end to make the reader feel better. The message you get in the end is what you choose to derive from the context, and I wouldn't be suprised if everyone who reads his book comes out with something a little bit different.
The Loud and Close book is about a boy who's father died in the Twin Towers. I'll interrupt this to say that it proves how much I love this author to read a book with this plotline, not only because it's hard to read but also because I don't feel like this incident should be commercialized now or ever. No more movies or books. In my opinion, that isn't a day we celebrate and look back on over and over.
So Oskar's dad dies in the Twin Towers, which obviously Oskar struggles with. One day he accidently breaks a vase and finds a key inside, and he devotes his extra time to finding out who the key belongs to. He sees it as a way of finishing his dad's unfinished business and keeping him close at the same time.
The main message I took away from the book was simply that it's important to let people know how you feel about them, because sometimes only the lucky get second chances.
At the risk of getting cheesy, I want to tell you all how much I really love and care about you. I look forward to time with my family more than anything else. I personally think we're a great group of people who love to have fun and intelligent conversations.
I love my friends enough that I don't really have a strict line between my close friends and my family. If I had one wish for my baby it would be that she finds friends like I had growing up. We went through struggles but were and are constantly there to support each other and help each other out.
Thank you all for your love and support. Thank you for being in my life. It wouldn't be worth it without you.

And He Calls ME Crazy!

The other night Jay got startled out of his sleep, and automatically stood up out of bed and said, "Hairy Tree Gnome."

"What?"

"Hairy Tree Gnome."

"Why are you saying that?"

"I don't know. It's just the first thing that popped into my head."

And The Baby Rolls....

I know it isn't a huge shock, but this is another blog about Kameryn. :)

My baby is getting SO BIG SO FAST! And since I last blogged she has had her first laugh, brought about by her Uncle Gary, gone swimming for the first time, which she loved, and she rolled over! Jay and I put her on her belly and were encouraging her to do it, not really thinking she would. She kept kind-of getting up the momentum, but then she'd stop. So Jay said, "This is how you do it, baby" and walked her through it. "You put your arm up here, push off with your legs..." And then after he put her back on her belly, she did exactly what he told her to. We were both shocked and so excited, patting her and praising her, and she just kinda sat there, wondering what all the excitement was about.

Then, I brought her up to show Mom and she did it three times in a row. But when I tried to show Danae, NOTHING. I told my mom that she's starting to get a bit of an attitude, and she just said sarcastically, "I wonder where she gets that from." :)

I'm getting to the point where I just want to tell everyone to have babies. I think she's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

Dreams

The other night I had a dream about my Grandma Turner. In my dream my grandma was dying, and my family was all in the room with her, not too much unlike reality not too long ago. We knew she was dying, and she was talking, but every time she talked to my mom she called her by the wrong name, usually her sister's names. But in my dream, it didn't frustrate my mom at all. She would just gently correct my grandma.
I know the dream doesn't really sound like much, but I woke up completely awed, because the dream was saturated with the feeling of my mom's unconditional love and acceptance for her mom and for all of us. And it seemed bigger then just those two women, it was more about relationships everywhere and how beautiful they can be.

Jay and I have been lucky because his grandpa lived long enough to meet Kameryn. That's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget because she just stared at him for awhile as he held her, and then she started to cry and he started to sing to her. A song he sang with his wife before she died a few months before.
I wish she had a chance to meet my Grandma Turner. We weren't that lucky. I'll have to tell Kameryn everything I know about her, because she missed meeting a sweet, thoughtful, wonderful woman.
But in some ways I feel like she must already know her, since they're a part of each other. You can see it in her hands. She got my grandma's hands.

My Curse

Tonight I find myself in a situation I hate; my baby is sleeping and try as I might, I can't fall asleep with her. This happens about once a week, and it's the most nerve-wracking thing because every time Kameryn falls asleep it's like a timer counting down until she wakes up again and I never know how long the timer is set for. So I catch myself thinking, "I have to get to sleep, I may only have an hour left, or 15 minutes left, or maybe she'll sleep through the night..." And because I'm unsure and trying to force myself to sleep, I can't. And, if tonight is anything like last night, her timer will go off about 20 minutes after I fall asleep. That's always a fun scenerio.

New evidence that I'm a new, nervous, overprotective mother is always emerging. I started to feel sick earlier this week and Kameryn came down with a runny nose on Monday. I hadn't ever used one of the baby-nose-suction-outty things before, and I found that I pretty much hate it. While Kameryn was crying I thought to myself, "Hey, it's okay. No baby has ever died of a runny nose before....but since her doctor's appointment is tomorrow, maybe I should ask him, JUST to double check."

What It's About

My baby is almost two months old! It's so hard to believe, time FLIES by lately. It's been fun, though, because she learns something new every day it seems. We've mastered drinking from a bottle and she's getting a lot better at holding her head up and being able to lift it up and move it from one side to another when she's on her stomach. Every little advancement makes me so proud of her. My favorite development has been since she's started to smile. Sometimes when I walk in the door right after work I get a huge, toothless smile. Sometimes when I'm out of the room for a minute and then walk back in she'll break into another smile. I'm a total sucker for it. I think it's got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen and such a huge compliment. My baby saying, "Hey, I recognise you! Welcome back!"
Sometimes Kameryn will be fussing or crying and she'll stop when I pick her up. Then we can walk around, and she seems to cuddle up to me. It's one of the times I actually realize that I'm her mom. It sounds crazy, I know, but there's so much going on from day to day that it really is still shocking when I take a step back and think, "This is my baby and I'm her mom." It's fun because I can already tell how much she loves me, and it makes me realize how much I love MY mom.
I'm so lucky because Jay is so great with her, and she loves him so much. They often fall asleep together and I must drive them crazy by taking pictures of them all the time. He'll walk through the door in the morning after he's gotten off work and when she sees or hears him her eyes get so wide and she smiles and wiggles, she's so excited that he's back.
I love the place I'm at right now with my husband and our baby. My own little family.

Sweet Babies!

This is Georgia Noel Bills, Katie Isom Bills sweet daughter. She was born on June 10 at about 2:30 in the morning. Katie said her labor went relatively well up until the end when her epidural wore off. Georgia was 7 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches. Katie and Josh are so cute with her, both really sweet attentive parents. I wish I could spend some more time with them so we can share crazy baby stories, but we'll have to do it over the internet; Josh leaves this week for Arizonia and then Katie follows next Wednesday. Georgia's a lucky little beautiful girl, and of course Katie looks like nothing even happened to her, as sweet and beautiful as ever.

The In-law Problem

I have a small problem that I would like to consult my family about. The whole thing could be very sensitive to some people and so I will describe my problem as carefully as I can to avoid any hurt feelings. The problem is with my daughter, my mother-in-law, and my overprotection. Family-wise, I trust any of you to hold or watch my daughter. I don't even think twice about handing her off to someone who would like to hold her. At my in-law's house, it's a bit of a different story. And part of my frustration with myself is that I don't have any problem with Jay's dad holding Kameryn. I think he's so sweet to her and I know he really loves her and she holds a special place with him. My mother in law loves her too and wants to hold her. And when she does, I pretty much hold my breath until I get her back. I think all of you know the problems that Jay's mom has, and in addition to her mental problems she also takes medication that makes her shake really badly. And logically, I KNOW that mental illness is exactly that, an ILLNESS. I know she can't control it anymore than she can control the shaking as a side effect of the medication she takes. So that part of my fear I know is a little bit founded on some fact and I know I shouldn't hold any of it against her.
My biggest concern is the grudge I seem to hold against her. She called today wondering what plans she should make for Monday since I'm going back to work and said she's "looking forward to watching the baby." To this I admit thinking something like, "Um, no, NEVER." When we go over there sometimes I find myself thinking things such as, "This baby is in no way a part of her, she has no claim on Kameryn at all." And biologically it's true, but I should know better than to think things like that! She raised Jay and saved him from what could've otherwise been a really awful life for him. Yet I see the pain that she causes people, albeit out of her control, and I want to save Kameryn from that.
Does anyone have any suggestions on this? I know it's something I need to deal with as Mary Jane will be in Kameryn's life for as long as she lives. Plus, it's a constant problem since we live so close. Can anyone help me reframe this so I can get over it? I try to think that it's one more person in Kameryn's life that loves her and I should be grateful for that, but even that thought doesn't help.

The Slow Runner

So yesterday I heard the saying "A man running a race who finds he is in last place has two choices. He can either quit, or he can run faster." I know it's kinda lame but I really liked it. I think it's something I'm gonna have to keep in mind on Monday when I go back to work. I said during my pregnancy that I didn't want having a baby to keep me from the job I had gone to school for, but I still find myself HATING the thought of going back just because when Kameryn's not around I miss her. So I guess I have to be like the guy in the race and make the best of my situation and think of it in the best way I can. At least I'm willing to sacrifice to provide for my daughter, and maybe I can stay home with her when she's a little bit older and I have my next baby. Though, to be perfectly honest, the thought of getting pregnant again right now is even a little bit more horrible than the thought of going back to work. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!!

Jay's birthday is Monday, June 5th, and I'm writing this blog early because my life right now is pretty much determined by when my daughter sleeps and I have a minute tonight that I don't dare pass up. My husband is turning 23, and at the risk of sounding completely sappy I just want to tell him that I love him so much. We always have a lot of fun together and he's always looking out for me and helping me stay sane. Plus, I think we make perfect kids, but that's just my opinion. :) I love you, Crazy, happy birthday. I'm glad you stick around even though Paul doesn't approve. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Memorial Day

One thing I'm really grateful for is the fact that my dad instilled in me a love and appreciation for people who are willing to put everything on the line for this country. I've been to Arlington Cemetery, I've seen the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soilder, and I've spent entire days with my dad in different cemeteries looking for Medal of Honor winners so that we can listen to their story after we find them. It amazes me how brave some people can be, and I'm touched by the selflessness of the people who are willing to do anything for what they believe in.
On Memorial Day this year I found myself thinking about two people specifically. The first was Allison's friend Heidi. She was in Iraq for over a year and missed important parts of her baby girl's life because of it. Being in the same situation now, I can imagine a bit better how hard it must've been for her to be so far away from her baby. I imagine it was hard to get through the day and she must've been counting the days until she could come home.
Secondly I think of Chris Kilpack. I think he's amazing because he joined the Army AFTER the war started. He knew what he was getting himself into and still wanted to go to defend the country and do what he believed in. I admire him, but I also admire the rest of the Kilpack family for supporting him. I've seen how much they've gone through, I can only imagine how hard it must be to worry about him.
I'm one of the people who doesn't support this war. I don't support the President who sent these people off to war and is leaving it up to a different President to bring them home. But I do support the troops.
The point of my post is that I know better than to think you have to give your life to sacrifice for this war. These people sacrifice their time, their safety, memories with their families that they'll never get back. I don't envy them, but I do admire them and their families. I hope this war ends soon, and I hope our soilders can come home safely.

I know I've arrived because....

They say some of the less glamorous parts of being a mom is when you get peed, pooped and puked on. Kameryn peed on me a couple weeks ago, and that one wasn't so bad. This morning, though, she managed to poo ALL OVER ME. I won't go into too much detail, but I have to say if there were a contest for projectile pooping or one for completely saturating your victim, I would enter her. And instead of getting mad, I was like, "Aww Kameryn!" But then I caught myself saying, "But good job! You didn't get ANY on the couch!"

The First Pancake

The first time I heard the theory of "the first pancake" was in the movie Pieces of April. Katie Holmes, April in the movie, is explaining the awful relationship she has with her mother, and says simply, "I'm the first pancake." The woman she's talking to doesn't seem to understand, and the woman's husband explains, "She's the one you should be able to throw out." It's pretty mortifying to think that people could feel this way about their children. It was even more mortifying when I had someone actually say it to me about MY daughter. I won't say who it was since the person is "sick of offending people when she doesn't mean to" and probably was just talking without thinking as usual, but she did say, while watching me and Jay with Kameryn, "Man, isn't it sad that your first baby can't just be like the first pancake? You know so much more with the second one." I don't even think I responded at all. What do you say to someone that just told you it's too bad you can't throw away your firstborn?
I don't fool myself into thinking that my life with Kameryn is going to be perfect. I know I won't be a perfect mom, and I don't expect the perfect child. I hope she knows that no matter what mistakes are made, I would never give her up or regret her.
And thankfully, even though I am new at this and awkward with all the new responsibility, I have a bunch of people around me to help me and who love my baby. My mom has been so amazing. She takes Kameryn for walks and always calls her "the little sweetheart." She takes her when I just need to give her to someone and sleep for an hour, and she's always incredibly patient, even when Kameryn is crying. When I get frustrated I go to my mom and watch how she is with the baby and try and copy that.

Our Daughter

Kameryn Lee Ertmann was born April 29, 2006 at 7:41 pm. She was 7 pounds, 13 ounces and 20 inches long. She has dark hair, dark blue eyes and some dark hair. I went to the hospital Saturday morning at around 10, was dialated to a 4 or 5, got my epidural, and got to relax for the rest of the day! I started pushing about an hour before she was born, and overall it was an awesome experience. Plus, she's so beautiful and Jay and I both are so addicted to her since she's been born. She's such an awesome and fun addition to our family.
She's got such a sweet personality, and she always makes us smile. The other day Jay was taking a band-aid off of her foot, and she didn't cry at all. I was praising her, and said, "Kameryn, you did so good! You didn't even cry!" And she raised both of her hands straight up in the air and then brought them down again, as if to say, "I know it, I'm the champion."
I already know she's going to grow up too fast...I can't believe she's already a week old. But she's such a delightful person to be around. Thanks to my family and friends. Everyone has been so supportive.

The New Place

Both Jay and I LOVE our new apartment. Several times the past week we've just sat back and remarked to each other how much we like it and how nice it is to be on our own again. One of the perks for me is the bathroom being so close, I don't even really have to wake up to stumble there several times a night. I know, I know, more than any of you wanted to know.
It's fun that Kameryn has her own room now. We have a crib and a dresser for her and a glider, a whole room just waiting to be used. It makes me miss her, which I know souns crazy, but I'm so excited for her that having it all ready but waiting for her to get here is torture.
Speaking of her dresser, I got so spoiled at my baby shower that her dresser is completely full. And part of her closet. I don't think I'm going to need to buy her clothes until she's 6 months old. And she'll be styling.
Two more weeks, guys. Or less, if I can have it my way. Then I'll be a mom. I can't pretend I'm anywhere NEAR ready for it, but I'm so excited.
And if we have her this weekend, you all should know it's because Danae gave her permission! As soon as my baby shower was over Danae talked into my belly and said, "KAMERYN! This is your Aunt Danae! You can come out now!"

THE BIG MOVE

So, we got our own new place. Thanks to some help from Danae and Gary we were able to get a deposit in quickly enough that no one stole this apartment. And it's a good thing, too, because they would've stolen it! It's two bedroom and one bath, but it's HUGE! It's over 1,000 square feet. It's across the street (almost) from Arctic Cirlce on Orchard Drive in Bountiful. It's privately owned so we don't have a bunch of ammenities, but that's alright because otherwise we'd probably have to pay for them and never use them. Whoever built the apartments was big on SPACE, there's tons of room and a bunch of closets and cupboards. Which is good, we like that.
The funny things about it are the kictchen and the bathroom. The kitchen is pretty much orange and brown, it's halarious, with this funky 70's tile. And the bathroom had flower-patterned wallpaper and a robin's egg blue toilet and sink. They're a little bit tacky, but just tacky enough to be cool and give the place personality.
One of my favorite parts will be setting up Kameryn's new room (even though it's probably wishful thinking to hope she'll spend any time in there for the first few months.) Plus it will be nice to be on our own again. We've both really loved living with my mom because of everything the experience has taught us, and we like spending time with Chelsee and Geoff. But it's like Jay said tonight to Danae, "I love your mom, but I'm ready to move out."
To which Danae replied, "Well Jay, I'm sure my Mom loves you, too. And she's ready for you to move out!"
So, by this time next week we will be comfortably set up in our new place. And even though it was frustrating at first that the apartment in West Jordan didn't work out and then annoying that we got turned down in North Salt Lake for bad credit, I think this is gonna be better than any of those places. Even with the blue toilet.

About ME

THINGS I LIKE: Slurpees from 7-11, warm summer nights, turning on the radio and hearing the very beginnning of a song I like, a full tank of gas, my cats, Tracy Chapman, Tori Amos and Ani Difranco, seeing ultrasounds of Kameryn Lee, reading blogs, Austrailian accents, waking up with Jay, reading Celebrity Gossip magazines, knowing a piece of Celebrity Gossip before Danae, the words "headspace" and "intuitition", Trent Reznor, re-living the Nine Inch Nails concert in my head when a song comes on the radio, the smell of coffee and the way walking into a coffee shop makes me feel (though it's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy that one), Prince, art from local artists, having a Rent shirt that we bought in New York long before the movie came out, cracking jokes with my mom.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE: When people call the clinic and they only speak Spanish, President Bush or anyone on his administration, looking up a "Britney Spears" song or video on Limewire and all that pops up is porn, the sound of cats fighting, anything having to do with "The Traditional Family", the song "Golddigger," when people's cell phones go off in the clinic and their ringtone is the song "Golddigger," when people call the clinic wanting to talk to a specific person with a question only they can really answer and then saying, "Well, maybe you can help me", having the phone ring at home and having it be Toll Free or Discover Card, Styx, and thinking I have more candy when I've actually already eaten it all.

My Favorite Part...

We went to childbirth classes today, and I have to say my favorite part was when our teacher, Maja, (said Maya) passed out what looked like crochet needles. She said, "This is for breaking your water. They'll stick this up there and just nick your water sac. The purpose of this part is to get the doctor as wet as possible."

No Sense of Rhythm, Just Like Her Dad

We went to our appointment today and I got a couple ultrasounds. First one was done by a sonographer, but she didn't really tell us what she was looking at or looking for, she just kept looking at baby's heart and turning the sound on and off so we could hear baby's heartbeat. She did do measurements again and she told us that Kameryn is right on track as far as growth, which everybody likes to tell us but we don't mind because we never really get tired of hearing it.
Then the doctor came in and did pretty much the same thing. She said, "Yeah, it looks like baby's heart is just doing more of those early beats...which is fine with us." An odd way to finish the sentence if you ask me. But she found Kameryn's heart again and listened to it and says that she just needs to mature a little.
She had just found the right spot and was watching Kameryn's heart and Kameryn just moved right out of the way, which is another thing that she always does but doesn't get any less funny. Jay said, "Yeah, she's kinda stubborn like that." And the doctor started talking to my stomach about how Kameryn shouldn't worry her parents and make them drive out to the hospital in the snow, and that she was glad that we took good care of her even though she was a stubborn little baby.
So they think that my baby, though stubborn, will be fine. Which I met with mixed emotions, because I'm almost ready for them to say, "Alright, head over to the hospital, let's get this baby out." It's good, though, I want her to be healthy.
And we might have to start doing ultrasounds every week if the Non-Stress Tests don't work, but that's alright with me too. She's a funny baby to watch, and I love when we get to see her face. Jay and I keep debating about whose nose she got. I guess we'll find out for sure here pretty soon.

Baby's Heart

So despite them telling me that baby's heart condiditon was "benign" a week ago, at my check-up today they found that it's beating even more irregularly than it was a week ago. Which means I'm back off to the specialist in the morning to see what's going on. They say the whole thing increases my chances of a C-section, and if for some reason they find that the baby is hurting herself and needs help they'll deliver her early. I told my doctor to bring it on. We'll see what the specialist says tomorrow, though. I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.