I've always been really emotional. Even before I had Kameryn. I remember a co-worker at Einsteins making fun of how quickly I sympathized with people and was upset by sad circumstances, even when they had nothing to do with me.
The shooting at Trolley Square is really upsetting to me, which suprises me a bit because I try to not let things I see on the news get to me. I'm so sick of the news, by the way. I know "If it bleeds, it leads," but can we get a break? I don't need to hear about every child abuse case and fatal car accident and house fire and accidental death. And just so you know, an American Idol recap IS NOT NEWS.
But anyway, back to the Trolley Square topic: I think the worst part may be the son who lost his dad and the mom who lost her daughter. I won't let myself imagine myself in their places, that's too heartbreaking to even think about. Possibly bothers me the most about it is the pure randomness of the whole thing; if someone had gotten caught in traffic, or decided on Rumbi's instead of The Old Spaghetti Factory, things might be different.
When Kameryn was born I would sit and hold her and stare at her, and as much as I instantly loved her I also couldn't help but think that "This was a person who would out-live me. Here, in my arms." I think I was trying to come to terms with the huge responsibilty in front of me: My WHOLE LIFE. But it also weirded me out in a way and reminded me of my mortality.
As I've thought more about it I have completely lost the fear in thinking that Kameryn will out-live me. In fact, the only thing that I'm afraid of now is that she won't. I want her to bury me, and I refuse to think about it the other way around.
So it's hard for me to think about the mom who lost her 15 year old, not knowing that a trip to the mall would be the last time they would ever spend together, and that everything that was unsaid would remain unsaid forever because they were in the wrong place during a horrific time when an 18 year old would have the adacity to change their lives forever in the worst possible way.
I think I've said it, but if anything were to happen to me I wouldn't want this left unsaid: I love my family more than anything. I delight in being around you and I love to learn from you guys. Even the lame things that we've been through don't seem as bad because you're around. I really admire so many things about all of you, and I'm happy with the way we were raised and how we all turned out.
I think my mom and dad are the best and I appreciate what you've done for us and how you treated us growing up. I have so many fun memories of singing in the car during road trips and eating dinner all together and Sunday mornings on the bed. Honestly, the one thing (right now) that even makes me consider having more kids is I don't want Kameryn to miss out on all the fun I had growing up with my brothers and sisters. It was hard sometimes, but we got a loyalty to each other out of it that makes it all worth it.
I love my husband. I wonder sometimes about some of the choices we made (read: DEBT) and I don't think we fully understood everything we were getting into when we got married and then got pregnant, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. Despite all the work and worry and sometimes just getting by, I love you and I think we'll be the type that stays together until we're old and gray and finishing each other's sentences.
I love my daughter in an almost consuming way. I never would want her to doubt how much I love her and how I would do anything for her. I get excited to be around her, I can't wait to play with her after she wakes up or after I get home from work. I love to see how big she's growing and I think she has the most incredible, loving personality.
In a way I apoligise if this entry is completely depressing or redundant. It's been therapeutic for me to write it out and get the thoughts onto the screen and out of my head.
As lame as it might sound, my heart goes out to the people who are suffering because of the shooting. I hope you have faith in something that can help get you through, or people who are close to you that you can lean on until you heal. It's hard to accept that people can be so heartless to each other, and the only comfort I can take in the situation is that times like this show us how awful we can be to each other, but also the people who will selflessly protect each other. If possible, focus on that.
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4 comments:
I agree with you Kjersti, I think it's so terrible. It would be hard to be living there right now, and seeing it on the news all the time. It's been hard to be away, watching the news HERE, and seeing your home town painted in that light. Not knowing if it is someone you know. I feel terrible for all the victims and their families, and hope that they will be comforted. For me, it's times like these that I am SO grateful for what I believe and know to be true. I can't imagine being able to deal with it otherwise.
I can't handle hearing about this. Every time it is on the radio or the news, I turn it off. It sounds harsh, but I'm the same way. If I were to listen to a radio report before work, I would have gotten here an emotional wreck and then I can't work. Things like this hit me really hard, too. I can't imagine losing a loved one that way.
Part of me is also really angry. If you hate your life so much, why not kill yourself? Why kill total strangers!? There is a place for people like that, and I hope that the shooter is there.
I love you too Kjersti! Thanks for being a great sister! :)
Your feelings mirror my own. Whenever I imagine any of my children in that situation, I have to force myself to think of something else. I remember when the Columbine shootings happened, I was struck by the monumental tragedy of it all. Perhaps some mother insisted that her son or daughter go to school that day -- never to see him or her again. Like Danae, I think if the killers hated life so much, they should have just killed themselves. That would be bad enough, but to take innocent lives with you is unforgiveable.
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