The Slow Runner

So yesterday I heard the saying "A man running a race who finds he is in last place has two choices. He can either quit, or he can run faster." I know it's kinda lame but I really liked it. I think it's something I'm gonna have to keep in mind on Monday when I go back to work. I said during my pregnancy that I didn't want having a baby to keep me from the job I had gone to school for, but I still find myself HATING the thought of going back just because when Kameryn's not around I miss her. So I guess I have to be like the guy in the race and make the best of my situation and think of it in the best way I can. At least I'm willing to sacrifice to provide for my daughter, and maybe I can stay home with her when she's a little bit older and I have my next baby. Though, to be perfectly honest, the thought of getting pregnant again right now is even a little bit more horrible than the thought of going back to work. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!!

Jay's birthday is Monday, June 5th, and I'm writing this blog early because my life right now is pretty much determined by when my daughter sleeps and I have a minute tonight that I don't dare pass up. My husband is turning 23, and at the risk of sounding completely sappy I just want to tell him that I love him so much. We always have a lot of fun together and he's always looking out for me and helping me stay sane. Plus, I think we make perfect kids, but that's just my opinion. :) I love you, Crazy, happy birthday. I'm glad you stick around even though Paul doesn't approve. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Memorial Day

One thing I'm really grateful for is the fact that my dad instilled in me a love and appreciation for people who are willing to put everything on the line for this country. I've been to Arlington Cemetery, I've seen the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soilder, and I've spent entire days with my dad in different cemeteries looking for Medal of Honor winners so that we can listen to their story after we find them. It amazes me how brave some people can be, and I'm touched by the selflessness of the people who are willing to do anything for what they believe in.
On Memorial Day this year I found myself thinking about two people specifically. The first was Allison's friend Heidi. She was in Iraq for over a year and missed important parts of her baby girl's life because of it. Being in the same situation now, I can imagine a bit better how hard it must've been for her to be so far away from her baby. I imagine it was hard to get through the day and she must've been counting the days until she could come home.
Secondly I think of Chris Kilpack. I think he's amazing because he joined the Army AFTER the war started. He knew what he was getting himself into and still wanted to go to defend the country and do what he believed in. I admire him, but I also admire the rest of the Kilpack family for supporting him. I've seen how much they've gone through, I can only imagine how hard it must be to worry about him.
I'm one of the people who doesn't support this war. I don't support the President who sent these people off to war and is leaving it up to a different President to bring them home. But I do support the troops.
The point of my post is that I know better than to think you have to give your life to sacrifice for this war. These people sacrifice their time, their safety, memories with their families that they'll never get back. I don't envy them, but I do admire them and their families. I hope this war ends soon, and I hope our soilders can come home safely.

I know I've arrived because....

They say some of the less glamorous parts of being a mom is when you get peed, pooped and puked on. Kameryn peed on me a couple weeks ago, and that one wasn't so bad. This morning, though, she managed to poo ALL OVER ME. I won't go into too much detail, but I have to say if there were a contest for projectile pooping or one for completely saturating your victim, I would enter her. And instead of getting mad, I was like, "Aww Kameryn!" But then I caught myself saying, "But good job! You didn't get ANY on the couch!"

The First Pancake

The first time I heard the theory of "the first pancake" was in the movie Pieces of April. Katie Holmes, April in the movie, is explaining the awful relationship she has with her mother, and says simply, "I'm the first pancake." The woman she's talking to doesn't seem to understand, and the woman's husband explains, "She's the one you should be able to throw out." It's pretty mortifying to think that people could feel this way about their children. It was even more mortifying when I had someone actually say it to me about MY daughter. I won't say who it was since the person is "sick of offending people when she doesn't mean to" and probably was just talking without thinking as usual, but she did say, while watching me and Jay with Kameryn, "Man, isn't it sad that your first baby can't just be like the first pancake? You know so much more with the second one." I don't even think I responded at all. What do you say to someone that just told you it's too bad you can't throw away your firstborn?
I don't fool myself into thinking that my life with Kameryn is going to be perfect. I know I won't be a perfect mom, and I don't expect the perfect child. I hope she knows that no matter what mistakes are made, I would never give her up or regret her.
And thankfully, even though I am new at this and awkward with all the new responsibility, I have a bunch of people around me to help me and who love my baby. My mom has been so amazing. She takes Kameryn for walks and always calls her "the little sweetheart." She takes her when I just need to give her to someone and sleep for an hour, and she's always incredibly patient, even when Kameryn is crying. When I get frustrated I go to my mom and watch how she is with the baby and try and copy that.

Our Daughter

Kameryn Lee Ertmann was born April 29, 2006 at 7:41 pm. She was 7 pounds, 13 ounces and 20 inches long. She has dark hair, dark blue eyes and some dark hair. I went to the hospital Saturday morning at around 10, was dialated to a 4 or 5, got my epidural, and got to relax for the rest of the day! I started pushing about an hour before she was born, and overall it was an awesome experience. Plus, she's so beautiful and Jay and I both are so addicted to her since she's been born. She's such an awesome and fun addition to our family.
She's got such a sweet personality, and she always makes us smile. The other day Jay was taking a band-aid off of her foot, and she didn't cry at all. I was praising her, and said, "Kameryn, you did so good! You didn't even cry!" And she raised both of her hands straight up in the air and then brought them down again, as if to say, "I know it, I'm the champion."
I already know she's going to grow up too fast...I can't believe she's already a week old. But she's such a delightful person to be around. Thanks to my family and friends. Everyone has been so supportive.

The New Place

Both Jay and I LOVE our new apartment. Several times the past week we've just sat back and remarked to each other how much we like it and how nice it is to be on our own again. One of the perks for me is the bathroom being so close, I don't even really have to wake up to stumble there several times a night. I know, I know, more than any of you wanted to know.
It's fun that Kameryn has her own room now. We have a crib and a dresser for her and a glider, a whole room just waiting to be used. It makes me miss her, which I know souns crazy, but I'm so excited for her that having it all ready but waiting for her to get here is torture.
Speaking of her dresser, I got so spoiled at my baby shower that her dresser is completely full. And part of her closet. I don't think I'm going to need to buy her clothes until she's 6 months old. And she'll be styling.
Two more weeks, guys. Or less, if I can have it my way. Then I'll be a mom. I can't pretend I'm anywhere NEAR ready for it, but I'm so excited.
And if we have her this weekend, you all should know it's because Danae gave her permission! As soon as my baby shower was over Danae talked into my belly and said, "KAMERYN! This is your Aunt Danae! You can come out now!"

THE BIG MOVE

So, we got our own new place. Thanks to some help from Danae and Gary we were able to get a deposit in quickly enough that no one stole this apartment. And it's a good thing, too, because they would've stolen it! It's two bedroom and one bath, but it's HUGE! It's over 1,000 square feet. It's across the street (almost) from Arctic Cirlce on Orchard Drive in Bountiful. It's privately owned so we don't have a bunch of ammenities, but that's alright because otherwise we'd probably have to pay for them and never use them. Whoever built the apartments was big on SPACE, there's tons of room and a bunch of closets and cupboards. Which is good, we like that.
The funny things about it are the kictchen and the bathroom. The kitchen is pretty much orange and brown, it's halarious, with this funky 70's tile. And the bathroom had flower-patterned wallpaper and a robin's egg blue toilet and sink. They're a little bit tacky, but just tacky enough to be cool and give the place personality.
One of my favorite parts will be setting up Kameryn's new room (even though it's probably wishful thinking to hope she'll spend any time in there for the first few months.) Plus it will be nice to be on our own again. We've both really loved living with my mom because of everything the experience has taught us, and we like spending time with Chelsee and Geoff. But it's like Jay said tonight to Danae, "I love your mom, but I'm ready to move out."
To which Danae replied, "Well Jay, I'm sure my Mom loves you, too. And she's ready for you to move out!"
So, by this time next week we will be comfortably set up in our new place. And even though it was frustrating at first that the apartment in West Jordan didn't work out and then annoying that we got turned down in North Salt Lake for bad credit, I think this is gonna be better than any of those places. Even with the blue toilet.

About ME

THINGS I LIKE: Slurpees from 7-11, warm summer nights, turning on the radio and hearing the very beginnning of a song I like, a full tank of gas, my cats, Tracy Chapman, Tori Amos and Ani Difranco, seeing ultrasounds of Kameryn Lee, reading blogs, Austrailian accents, waking up with Jay, reading Celebrity Gossip magazines, knowing a piece of Celebrity Gossip before Danae, the words "headspace" and "intuitition", Trent Reznor, re-living the Nine Inch Nails concert in my head when a song comes on the radio, the smell of coffee and the way walking into a coffee shop makes me feel (though it's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy that one), Prince, art from local artists, having a Rent shirt that we bought in New York long before the movie came out, cracking jokes with my mom.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE: When people call the clinic and they only speak Spanish, President Bush or anyone on his administration, looking up a "Britney Spears" song or video on Limewire and all that pops up is porn, the sound of cats fighting, anything having to do with "The Traditional Family", the song "Golddigger," when people's cell phones go off in the clinic and their ringtone is the song "Golddigger," when people call the clinic wanting to talk to a specific person with a question only they can really answer and then saying, "Well, maybe you can help me", having the phone ring at home and having it be Toll Free or Discover Card, Styx, and thinking I have more candy when I've actually already eaten it all.

My Favorite Part...

We went to childbirth classes today, and I have to say my favorite part was when our teacher, Maja, (said Maya) passed out what looked like crochet needles. She said, "This is for breaking your water. They'll stick this up there and just nick your water sac. The purpose of this part is to get the doctor as wet as possible."

No Sense of Rhythm, Just Like Her Dad

We went to our appointment today and I got a couple ultrasounds. First one was done by a sonographer, but she didn't really tell us what she was looking at or looking for, she just kept looking at baby's heart and turning the sound on and off so we could hear baby's heartbeat. She did do measurements again and she told us that Kameryn is right on track as far as growth, which everybody likes to tell us but we don't mind because we never really get tired of hearing it.
Then the doctor came in and did pretty much the same thing. She said, "Yeah, it looks like baby's heart is just doing more of those early beats...which is fine with us." An odd way to finish the sentence if you ask me. But she found Kameryn's heart again and listened to it and says that she just needs to mature a little.
She had just found the right spot and was watching Kameryn's heart and Kameryn just moved right out of the way, which is another thing that she always does but doesn't get any less funny. Jay said, "Yeah, she's kinda stubborn like that." And the doctor started talking to my stomach about how Kameryn shouldn't worry her parents and make them drive out to the hospital in the snow, and that she was glad that we took good care of her even though she was a stubborn little baby.
So they think that my baby, though stubborn, will be fine. Which I met with mixed emotions, because I'm almost ready for them to say, "Alright, head over to the hospital, let's get this baby out." It's good, though, I want her to be healthy.
And we might have to start doing ultrasounds every week if the Non-Stress Tests don't work, but that's alright with me too. She's a funny baby to watch, and I love when we get to see her face. Jay and I keep debating about whose nose she got. I guess we'll find out for sure here pretty soon.

Baby's Heart

So despite them telling me that baby's heart condiditon was "benign" a week ago, at my check-up today they found that it's beating even more irregularly than it was a week ago. Which means I'm back off to the specialist in the morning to see what's going on. They say the whole thing increases my chances of a C-section, and if for some reason they find that the baby is hurting herself and needs help they'll deliver her early. I told my doctor to bring it on. We'll see what the specialist says tomorrow, though. I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.

REJECTED

Credit-schmedit. FINE. So we're not going to move into the apartments we were looking at because our credit score isn't high enough. So, back to the drawing board, I guess. It's alright, we didn't have our hearts set on it, the only real problem is that we're running out of time. In fact, you may notice we only have ONE month left today....

The Countdown....

And for those of you who aren't keeping track at home, we're currently to 4 weeks and 5 days until our daughter is born.

The Big Move

I am happy to report that Jay and I turned in an application to an apartment yesterday and we are thinking we can be moved out by April 14. It's a place in North Salt Lake called the Peachtree Apartments, and we looked at them and really liked them yesterday. They even have two bedrooms so we can set Kameryn up with her own room, which I know at first she'll never be in, but it's the thought that counts, right?! So we find out about everything on Monday. Please wish us luck. It will be so nice to finally be in a place of our own again.

The One Baby Trap I Never Want to Fall Into....

The other day at work one of the MAs was walking through the front office area where I was sitting and she saw our office manager. The office manager had picked up her jacket and purse and was getting out her keys, and the question the MA asked her was, "Are you going bye-bye?" I think I visably cringed. I'm the youngest one there. Do you still "go bye bye" when you're 50 years old? I think not.
So my friends, you have to do me this favor. If I ever ask you a baby question in public thinking I'm actually communicating in a way that is appropiate, I hope you will sit me down and send me to some therapy. "Going bye bye?" Come on now.

AND THEN TO TOP IT OFF

To add insult to injury, the doctor also said that until Kameryn's born I shouldn't have any soda or chocolate because the caffeine will speed up her heart. And it's harder than you think to quit! I told my mom about it this morning and then had a big ol' glass of chocolate milk, not even thinking! Plus we have my birthday pies still, and it's just so mean to say I can't have a slice when they're just sitting there in all their seducing chocolate-y goodness.

Checking Baby's Heart

Last time we went to my regular Dr.'s appointment, Dr. Mears was listening to Kameryn's heart and noticed that it skipped a beat. She gave me an ultrasound and set me up to a monitor, which for those of you who don't know is basically them velcro-ing a microphone to your stomach and listening to the baby's heartbeat, but it also prints out a paper like an EKG machine. She said that from what she could tell Kameryn Lee looked okay, her heart had great fluctuations and she could tell by the ultrasound that she was swallowing the ambiotic fluid like she should, but she still wanted to send me to a specialist.
So this Friday I went to the Woman's Pavillion at St. Mark's hospital to have a specialist look at her heart. We didn't geta doctor right away, we hada sonographer come in and look at her first, and despite it being a nerve-racking visit to see if my baby was in distress, he made it kind-of fun. He measured Kameryn's head and brain, her abdomen and checked her kidneys, stomach, liver and bladder, checked her legs, verified that she was a girl, looked at my placenta which is perfectly placed, and also looked at the blood flow coming in from the umbilical cord, which also looks good. My favorite part was when he showed us her face. She's got big ol' chubby cheeks! We couldn't see down past her top lip because she had her arm up over her face sucking on her wrist. She looked so sweet, it was fun to see her move, but she definatly had an attitude as well. She kept kicking when the sonographer would press on her. I couldn't help lauhging. She's always been an active baby. She seems to catch doctors off guard with her attentiveness and reactions.
They did have to have another doctor come in and do another ultrasound, but they've determined that her heart is okay. It beats normally, and then after about 6 normal beats it gets ahead of itself and wants to fire off a beat before it should. Then it sounds like it skips the beat, but it's the heart catching itself back up, and then she beats normally again. They say it's something we should watch, but she'll probably be fine, we just need to make sure that her heart doesn't continue to get faster. He says he wants me on the baby monitor at my regular doctors office every week and for 30 minutes each time, but he's not too worried about it.
So, luckilly she's doing well and we don't have to worry about her coming early. Which is good, because I still can't completely grasp the fact that I'm having a baby and I only have 5 weeks and 6 days left! I already can't believe how fast it goes by, I see Danae sick in her first trimester and Jay will tell me, "You were the same way!" And I don't remember it. Hopefully that will be true of labor, too. Danae will be like, "Oh man, it was awful! It hurt so much!" And I'll be like, "Did it?" Maybe that's why you're so sleep deprived after having a baby, they need to wipe away your memories of labor if they want any brothers or sisters!

Despite Myself

Last night we went and saw "V for Vendetta" and at one point V holds up a needle and syringe, and for the rest of the scene I was completely distracted wondering where he was going to throw it away since there wasn't a Sharp's container anywhere.

Today was my birthday and once again my family has spoiled me rotten. Dad came up for dinner despite his car troubles, Mom made me the best beef stroganoff ever and bought me birthday pies, Wesley called and talked to me from Alaska, Allison also called and talked to me a couple times and made an excellent "Top 10" list that cracked me up. Danae gave me Dead Poets Society which absolutely rocks because of how upset I was the other day when I wanted to watch it and couldn't find it anywhere, Chelsee went above and beyond with buying me baby outfits, blankets and burp cloths, and Geoffrey taught us all an important birthday lesson: The holy land is in Africa.
I love all you guys, thank you so much for everything. I appreciate all of you remembering and everything you do for me.