Christmas and Crawling

There's one reason that I'm grateful that Kameryn probably won't remember Christmas this year, and it's simply this: If she expected to get as many presents every year as she did this year, Jay and I would have to take out a mortgage on our house. Or, more realistically, get a loan because we wouldn't HAVE a house from being in debt from all the Christmas presents the previous year.

Honestly, I think we all went a little bit crazy. There were more presents under our tree than I think I've ever seen anywhere. And I don't think I'll ever forget Christmas morning, walking in and seeing the high chairs Grandma got for the babies, and even THEY were saturated in presents!

Honestly, joking aside, I am overwheled with everyone's generosity and the material manifestation of how much we're loved. I think this year is my favorite Christmas ever, and it's because it was so fun to get gifts people couldn't WAIT for us to open. I love that my baby is so loved, but everyone in my family was spoiled rotten.

Mom, there's no way to thank you for all that you do. You're so selfless and you have such a huge heart. I don't know how to put it into words, but I'm really touched by it. I think all of us are.

And, as if trying to make the date easy to remember because I'm getting so far behind on my scrapbooking, Kameryn chose Christmas as the day to start crawling. It first started in Chelsee's room, but I passed it off as a fluke, and then she did it while I was on the phone with Wes, but then wouldn't do it again afterward, so again I got to sleep in the comfort of my own denial. But tonight I don't have the luxury, because not only was she doing it again today, she's picking up ability and speed. Yesterday it was more of a cautious, wobbly crawl over to an orange, and tonight Chelsee put her keys down and Kameryn was on them in a minute flat. I'm still really excited about it and so proud of her, but I know in a week I'll be begging her to go back to sitting in one spot and scooting herself around the carpet. Needless to say, things are going to be interesting.

And, as an update to my last blog, the washer and dryer ended up being fine, just loaded too full by an overzealous husband who wanted to clean all the laundry in one load. The car, however, wouldn't give up the drama queen act and had to be taken into the shop. We have to pay for labor, but they're replacing our alternator without charging us for the part because 3 years ago we bought a lifetime warranty, and they've had to fix it every winter since. I think they may be cursing the warranty under their breath, but I'm good with it.

Alright, that's all for tonight. I love you all, thank you so much for everything.

It Always Comes in Three's

So they say that bad news comes in three's, and I've heard that, of course, but today is the day I got to see it in action. It went like this. This morning when I left for work I was driving down Orchard Drive listening to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake, and no I'm not ashamed to admit that. But while I was driving, the radio shut off all by itself. Fortunately, (I guess) this is something that has happened to me before, and so I knew that radio shutting itself off = car breaking down in about 10 minutes. So I turned around and made it home, luckilly. When Jay went out to check on the car, it wouldn't start at all. Bad luck item #1.
Well, Jay and I had both Kameryn and Isaac today, and it was kinda nice because they were both so good I got the dishes done while Jay folded laundry. I asked him at one point to put in another load, which he did, and I was amazed at how quickly it ran through the cycle. Well, I opened the lid to find that it hadn't completed the cycle, it had just decided to take a break. Leaving the clothes rinsed, but still in the water. So we don't know what's wrong with the washer, but it's not working either.
So we thought that was pretty bad luck but we were almost able to laugh about it, until our self-inflicted #3. Self-inflicted by ME. I was thinking to myself, "I've got to get those clothes out of the water so they don't get mildew-y. Because then in order to get rid of the smell we'd have to wash them, which we now cannot do." So I spent 25 minutes pulling the clothes out of the washer, ringing them out and throwing them into the dryer. After I was done I pulled out a dryer sheet and turned the dryer on. I knew we'd have to dry the load a couple times since they were so much wetter than usual, but hey, at least the dryer worked.
Well, the dryer turned about 3 times, and it was almost like it went in slow motion, because I was listening to it, I realized the soaking wet clothes were WAY too heavy for the dryer to handle and I was reaching out to turn it off again when it shut itself off. And it won't start again. Probably blew a fuse. So that's my number 3.

We have less than a week until Christmas and Jay and I had been stressing about money a bit anyway, before today.

But thinking about it tonight I really can't help but think about how fortunate I am because of everything I have. My baby is beautiful and smart and HEALTHY, which is something I am so deeply grateful for. I have a husband that I love and he's an awesome father to our baby. I have an incredibly entertaining family who are healthy and getting together soon, which always makes for an interesting time. And I have Allison who is going to come home, and together with her and our singing we'll be able to make everyone around us feel the Christmas spirit.

So instead of repeatedly kicking things, I think I'm going to focus on the positives in this situation. And hey, what's the worst that can happen? Jay and I will turn into hippies and walk everywhere we go, (no offence Wes!) we can grow our hair out into dreadlocks and our clothes will smell a little bit funny. Even then, I think as long as we know deep down in our hearts that the ox and lamb are keeping time, we'll be fine.

A Quick Thought

I think my family is the most important thing to me. I love being around you guys. I just wanted you all to know that, that my happiest times are times when we're all together, and tell you that being close to you is something I value above anything else. In addition to loving the relationships I have with you, I'm also happy that Kameryn gets to grow up so close to so many people who love her so much, and family that's NOT as close but still loves her so much. (Word that you're spoiling the babies HARDCORE this year has gotten out, Allison!) So thank you guys for everything, and for helping me remember what is most important in life.

Baby Genius

Jay and I went to dinner tonight. We were talking while we were eating, and Kameryn was on a chair next to me, close enough that she kept kicking me to get my attention, which worked really well for awhile and then lost it's effect. Not easilly deterred, she decided to play a little game with me in order to get my attention again. When I finally looked over at her she held the blanket up over her face for a minute, and then pulled it down and smiled a huge, toothless smile! Then, sure that both Jay and I were watching, she pulled the blanket over her face again, and this time when she pulled it down, she growled at us a little bit, and then laughed.
That's right. In order to get my attention, Kameryn was playing peek-a-boo with me.
The best part of the story, though, is that Jay and I don't play peek-a-boo with Kameryn often at all because she doesn't (or didn't, I should say) seem to understand it. When we covered up our faces she would get bored and look somewhere else.
But gees, she had to do something. Parents these days. Always have to keep coming up with new things just to keep their attention. Keeps a baby on her toes.

Ramblings

I worry about my blog always being about the same thing, or more specifically, the same two babies and their latest goings-on. I'd love to get that book that gives a bunch of blogging ideas, but I'm currently so poor that I can't buy it, even if I DID want to go out and brave all the craziness of shopping and parking, which I honestly don't. So tonight will be one of the same type of blogs, probably a rambling, state of the union type blog, and even though I prefer to write when I have an idea to start with of what I should write about, I think maybe a rambling blog is better than nothing.

Right now, I think my favorite part of the day is when Jay gets home from work and the three of us sit on my bed, talking and enjoying being together. Kameryn is at such a fun age right now, she's able to express so much of her personality and she's so funny. She loves to play, she loves to talk, and she's so close to learning to crawl I think she can taste it. Sitting on the bed she'll mauver her way over to Jay, sit with him for a few minutes, and then manuver her way back to me. It's not crawling, but it's definatly awareness in her body that she's developing more and more. It's probably because of my family's "Sunday mornings on the bed" that make this time so meaningful to me. It helps us all slow down for a little bit and just enjoy being a family.

Work right now is a little bit strange. I think it's probably true of everyone that when you've worked at a place long enough it's easy to tell just from walking into the office what mood the office is in, and if it's been a hectic day, if tensions are high, that sort of thing. Lately at work, the office has been sad. Sad and secretive, and I don't know if those things are connected or not. One of my doctors lost a patient a couple weeks ago and he's been really hard on himself, blaming himself, but I don't know if it's completely that or not. So I'm just waiting until I can find out what's going on, or until the office goes back to normal.

Needless to say, after getting through my day at work I'm tripping over myself to get back home to my family. Which includes all my surrounding family as well. Chelsee took us to see "The Holiday" this weekend, which was SO GOOD! I thought it looked good on the preview, and it didn't disappoint, which is saying a lot. That's all I'll say about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but I'm with Chelsee in saying that anyone who wants to go see it, invite me. I'll do what I can to come with you!

The other night we were up at Danae and Gary's and Kameryn ended up needing a bath. Instead of sending us home, though, Danae took her right upstairs and gave her a bath, and offered some of Isaac's pajamas to dress her in afterwards. We gladly accepted, and Kameryn showed her appreciation by peeing all over the floor. AFTER her bath. It's a good thing her aunt and uncle love her so much.

I have so much fun with my family, though, and I love that everyone is so good to my baby. I can't wait until we can ALL get together for Christmas and for Wes to come down in January. It's gonna be fun. And Wes, Isaac is getting to be a pro at holding a pen by himself. He will not disappoint.

Alright, now I must get to bed. Isaac is coming in the morning! I know this blog is neither here nor there, so let's all hope that the library has the blog-idea book. And that I can come up with the money to pay off my late fees.

Cousins

Tonight, just to mix things up, I'm not just going to rant about Kameryn. I'm going to rant about Kameryn AND Isaac. I know, it's a bit of a change, but we'll make it through.

The last two weeks I've been watching Isaac in the morning when Danae goes to work, and I have to admit that at first I was really scared. The first day he slept the whole time he was here, as did Kameryn, and that was a relief. A couple days in, though, Kameryn woke up before Danae even got here, and I had them both. Two hungry babies first thing in the morning. I thought it would be impossible, and when both of them started crying it was a little difficult, but I quickly learned that it's all about timing, and once you have the timing down, it's pretty fun.
I know I've been afraid that if I have another baby there would be no way I could love it as much as Kameryn. This experience has shown me that I couldn't be more wrong. It's SO easy to love them both, and even more fun when they interact with each other. Now what I don't understand is how anyone could get ANYTHING done with two babies around! It's hard to make bottles, let alone do dishes or laundry! I think the new rule is we'll wait until Kameryn can hold her own bottle. And walk and talk. And is potty trained. Then we'll think about having another baby.

It's fun to see Kameryn react when she realizes Isaac is here. She gets so excited and wants to touch him, and she likes to scream. Because her cousin is here and HOW CAN I POSSIBLY CONTAIN THIS EXCITEMENT?! But my favorite was tonight when Danae came over, because Kameryn saw Isaac and started "talking" to him, which was just her saying "Nanana" but she said it in a high, slow voice. Because she seems to understand that is how we should talk to babies.
And Danae agreed to let Kameryn touch his head, and when she did she would leave her hand on him for a second, and then pull it away and laugh. It looked a lot like she was petting one of the cats. She was so delighted, and gave him several kisses.
Which means that she's one of us, because we all have that reaction to Danae's sweet baby. And dang, he's getting cuter every day. I would trade eyelashes with him in a second if I could, he's going to have such beautiful eyes. He amazes me with how strong he is, and you can tell just by looking at him how much more aware of his surroundings he's becoming. And his smiles make my day. He's the best boy ever.

So yes, this is yet another post of me ranting about the babies. It's hard not to, though. They make things so interesting and make my life so fun.

Faith

Danae and Gary blessed Isaac on Sunday, and I was really happy that I was there to support them. About halfway through, though, I started getting a little bit jealous. I almost wish that there was a way for me to get everyone together to appreciate Kameryn, and then make everyone sit down and listen quietly while I list off all the things I want for her in her life. (I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful to the blessing, I'm not trying to be sacreligious. I'm serious.)
As for what I want Kameryn to believe in, I don't have one particular thing in mind. The disadvantage to the position I have myself in is that what I believe in is so personal that I have trouble explaining it to anyone else. I don't even necesarilly need her to believe in the same things I do. I want her to find things she feels strongly about and build her own beliefs. I don't ever want her to feel alone, but I also don't want her to only be good out of fear or guilt. And I always want her to know I love her. I want her to love herself as much as I love her and not grow up doubting herself or settling for less than she's worth or less than what I know she can achieve.
I also feel bad that by not teaching her everything about one religion or even something about a lot of religions, I'm doing her a disservice. At the same time I like that it can be open for her to choose. And no matter what she chooses, I think I'll be happy for her as long as it's something she loves and feels comfortable with.
I'm really thankful that Kameryn will have such a diverse group of people around her who can all teach her and support her. I think the places I fall short can be made up with other people's input and examples.

Proof, In Case You Were Wondering

This is an actual conversation. I'm in the kitchen doing dishes while Geoff and Jay are "watching the baby" aka playing Playstation in the other room. I have the radio on.

Jay, overhearing the song I'm listening to: "You know you're gay if you listen to Coldplay."
Me: "Is this Coldplay?"
Jay: "Yeah."
Me: "Well, you know you're gay if you KNOW it's Coldplay!"

I go in to kiss him and he says he can't kiss me because now he's gay and gay men don't kiss straight women. I counter that I have, in fact, kissed a gay guy, one of Allie's friends who kisses hello. Then I go back into the kitchen to finish the dishes.

Radio Announcer (This will be Wesley's favorite part.) "That was the latest from U2!"

Me: "JAY! GOOD NEWS! YOU'RE NOT GAY AFTER ALL!"

The Beep

One of my main jobs at work is refills. I get the voicemails and the faxes that people and pharmacies send us asking for prescription refills, I put them into the computer and send them to the doctors for approval, and then once they're approved the doctors send them BACK to me, I call the pharmacies to let them know to refill the meds and I also call the patients to say, "Hey, I just called in your refill." It doesn't sound all that fun, and most days it's probably a little less fun than it sounds. But hey, someone has to get zoloft, ritalin, viagra, crestor and hydrochlorothiazide out to the masses, and in this case, that person is me.
Which leads me to yet another work-related pet peeve:
When I call the patient to let them know their prescription is ready, I don't mind getting the answering machine, except for in the following situations:

"You have reached (phone number, area code first, is read off very slowly)
We are unavailable. (Or screening your calls, who are we kidding here.)
Please leave your name, number and a brief message." (Um, yeah, trust me, this isn't my first rodeo. I think I've got this leaving a message thing down. But thanks for the refreshing reminder.)
Then, another automated voice kicks in which starts with, "If you'd like to leave a call back number, press 5 now. If you'd like to page this person, press 7 now. Otherwise, please wait for the beep."
BEEP.

I, for one, vote AGAINST rambling answering machines. I know there are some people who would honestly be lost without the prompts, though. It's like the stupid caution warnings on everything now. "You mean this little white package that came with my new pair of shoes ISN'T something I should eat?" I can see the chaos that could ensue if phones were just randomly beeping at people without first explaining what to do and how to handle said beep.

That said, I personally am a big fan of, "Hey, it's me. Do your thing." BEEP. I guess that's just how I roll.

Love Letter, A Day Late - Month 7

The day I found out I was pregnant was the scariest, most surreal day of my life. Well, up until that point. And it was happy and fun, too, after I told Jay, but that didn't come until later. I found out right before I had to go to work, or my externship, rather, and I cried the entire way there, wondering how I was ever going to 1. Tell my mom and 2. Take care of a baby. And the fears actually went IN THAT ORDER. Not because my mom is a scary person, I knew she would support me. But I also knew she would wonder how I could take care of a baby seeing as me and Jay were living in her basement. With the goal of paying our bills off.
Through my pregnancy I fell in love with the idea of being pregnant, but still couldn't imagine how a baby would affect me and my marriage. I looked forward to it, but still kinda dreaded it at the same time.
Now, I don't know how I ever lived without my sweet Kameryn. She's the one person that can make me smile NO MATTER WHAT, and it breaks my heart every time I walk in the door and I see the grin. You guys know the grin. The "you're the only person in the world I care about" grin. I've been getting the grin for awhile now, but in the last month or so she's added the kisses (which get kinda violent and VERY wet, depending on how long I've been away) and now I even get the reach. The "Come over here and pick me up so I can saturate your cheeks and nose with my slobber" reach. It makes coming home an awesome experience, no matter how my day has gone, how the traffic was on the way home or how messy my apartment is. Kameryn is the ultimate lover. You almost can't help but get swept away by her.
In the last month she has almost mastered sleeping in her crib by herself. She usually still cries when I first turn off her light, but the more it's becoming routine, the better she handles it. Sometimes (rare, blessed times) she even has a hard time keeping herself awake to listen to her bedtime stories. There have even been a few times when I lay her down and she seems relieved, like I have FINALLY brought her to her crib, she can FINALLY sleep now. The whole process is amazing to me because it was something I didn't think we could do; her OR me, and now we're doing it and I think we're both so much happier. And that's another thing I've learned about Kameryn: I shouldn't underestimate her, because she exceeds my expectations time and time again. She's smart and she learns things quickly. Which means I need to get to baby-proofing my house SOON. Because I know before long she's going to be ZOOMING around here.
This month has been the month for "Mama's" and "Dada's." We got her saying "Dada," and then tried to also get her to say "Mama." When she's learning to say something new she starts by watching your mouth while you say it, and she studies it SO closely. Jay and I kept saying "Mama" slowly so she could see how to move her mouth, and she succeeded in humming an "M" sound, which we praised her for, thinking it was good work for the day, a ton of progress.
Then we got in the car, and she was in the backseat by herself, and she started babbling to herself. And then we heard her start humming the "M" sound again. We both looked at each other and just listened. She worked on it harder and harder, and got herself a little closer, then would start saying "Nana" again, which she's known for awhile now. Then she'd switch back again, and by the end of the car ride she was saying "Mama." She had rememebered and taught herself.
I was completely amazed by it, and I think she should win something for it. I'm not kidding.
I'm also continuously impressed by how much she understands. I'll say, "Kameryn, give me a kiss." And she will. It amazes me that she can understand at least some of what I'm saying, especially when she's also learning so much else at the same time, like rolling over each way and reaching for things. She's also mastered sitting up to the point that she can sit by herself in a shopping cart or a highchair.
One thing I think we're going to see a lot more of as she gets older is her love for dancing. I think we've all seen her dissolve into laughter when we're dancing with her, but I think it's more than just the attention or even funny dancing. She loves the beat. She likes listening to music, and she gets a really sweet smile when she hears music that she likes. I think as soon as she's old enough I'm going to put her into Allison's Amanda's gymnastics class. Hopefully she'll still be doing it by then. I think it's something Kameryn will really have a passion for.
I made up a song, a really simple song about her mommy and daddy loving her, and I've been singing it to her since she was about 7 weeks old. Recently when I get to the part about her Daddy loving her, Jay will sing the last line himself, which is "Yes I do." I sang it to her this morning and when it came to that part, she started looking around for her dad, wondering where he was and why he was slacking on his lines. Even that is amazing to me. And I love to see her smile when I start the song. I can hardly get through it without her covering me in kisses. It's been fun to have her show me that the feeling is mutual.
I could brag about her all night long. I could talk about a million things about her that I find amazing. I think what touches me the most is how she can light up a room and make people happy. She does it to my family, but I've seen her do it to strangers in a store, too. Something about her smile and her enthusiasm. It's something I never want her to lose. I always want her to maintain her self confidence because people respond to it. I respond to it. And it makes the world more beautiful.
I love you beautiful girl. So much more than I can even put into words or tell in stories.

Sweet Moments

So the holiday sickness that's been going around left me alone for the holidays, but now that I should be working again it's come at me full swing. I went to bed last night with a headache, and woke up this morning with the same headache and nausea. I called in sick for work, but have been feeling achy all day, and my skin hurts. I hate being sick so much, I get so frustrated with it. I just wish there was something I could do or say or buy so that I can get out of bed and do something productive, instead of lying there wishing it didn't hurt to be touching the bed.
I've always been really clingy when I'm sick. I like to cuddle up with Jay, but today was my first time being sick since Kameryn was born and he had his hands full today taking care of her. So I ended up just sleeping a lot. In the bed. By myself.
Jay had left me so I could get some more sleep, and him and Kameryn went and watched House in the other room, where she apparently fell asleep. I woke up from her crying, though, and Jay said she woke up, started looking around and when she couldn't see me started hysterically crying. He even sang her the song I sing to her, and he said it made her crying worse.
So he brought her in to me, and I sat up to hold her. She cuddled up with me, stopped crying, and just sat there like that. She cuddles a lot, but always only for a minute or two because there's so much going on and she doesn't want to miss a thing. But tonight she just layed there with her head on my shoulder, like I was the answer to her problems.
And really, it was exactly what I wanted, too. I was so surprised and pleased that I didn't want to move at all. So we sat there, Mom and baby, just loving each other and happy we were together.
Sometimes I don't like to write about stories like this because so much of it is the feeling I get knowing that she's mine and being so proud of her, and I don't know how well it translates. I can see someone reading the story and thinking, "So she wanted to be held, big deal."
I guess I write about it because it's the small moments like this that help me understand that I really am her mom, and the way I feel about my mom is the way she feels about me; that I can make her better just by being there.
But something I didn't expect and I hope never fades is that she's also my friend. She's fun to be around and loving her is so easy for me.
Kameryn turns 7 months old tomorrow, and I can't believe how fast she's grown. And believe me, if you thought tonight's blog was sappy then get ready for over-the-top sappiness tomorrow. I could (and probably will) brag and love on her ALL DAY LONG!

Cheating Blog, Night #2:

I tried to start about 3 different blogs, but they weren't working out for me and now I'm too tired to make anything sound good. So here's the picture I tried to attach the other night and couldn't. Tonight is yet another night when I lean on the cuteness of my baby to get me through until tomorrow.

A Quick Cheater Blog

So I intended to cheat a little on my blog tonight, but it looks like even if I do a quick post it won't go unnoticed since the date has changed on blogger and it says I'm blogging on Monday. Kinda frustrating, but that's alright, I'm still here, still getting in my blogging for the night.
There's something really fun about this month and reaching this goal I've set. It's become a sort of routine, but one I really enjoy, and I think it's really helped with the goal of putting Kameryn to bed as well. I lay her down and come in here to blog, and it's nice to have something else I know I have to do because working on it makes it so I'm not sitting listening to her cry some nights biting my fingernails off. And I'm not one to bite my fingernails when I'm anxious, but sometimes the tone of her scream or the little ear piercing yell will get me there fast.
More than that, even, I've enjoyed giving myself the opportunity to take a little while every night to create something, to say something or come up with something even when I don't have too much to say. During my poetry writing time I ultimately wanted to publish some of the poems I wrote, and I think this taps into that desire a little bit, just getting some of my writing out there for anyone who wants to read it.
But that's it for tonight. Danae is bringing baby Isaac over in the morning since she's decided to go back to work a little bit early, and I need to get to sleep in case he's ready to be awake for me by the time he gets here. I'm really excited and apprehensive about getting to watch him, but most of all I feel really honored that she trusts Jay and me enough to leave her sweet son with us.

Maybe It's Not So Bad...

A large part of my day today was spent in stores searching for the perfect presents, spending money I don't really have and getting in the way of people I don't know. Today was fun, though, because we got presents for Kameryn and our nephew Xander, and Danae was with us so she helped keep things fun and interesting. Despite traffic getting worse, parking spots becoming harder to find, the weather getting colder and the Y winning in the last 3 seconds of the freaking game, I have to admit that there are some things about winter I like.

I like sitting in Danae's apartment talking to her and watching shows about mediums and MTV while also trying to keep the babies happy. And during this ordeal Jay is completely asleep on a nearby chair.

I like buying hot cocoa from the grocery store. The thought of being cold but going home and drinking it with my family and warming up while having good conversations almost makes it worth being cold in the first place.

I like getting kisses from Kameryn. She's so interesting and I can tell so much by how she kisses me, and ultimately how much slobber ends up on my face afterward.

I liked putting up the Christmas tree tonight. Kameryn stayed completely enchanted with it and just wanted to reach out and touch it for the longest time. And it was fun to pull out the ornaments and remember how much fun it was to buy the one of our first Christmas together, and then add the one for "Baby's First Christmas, 2006."

Jay wrapped my presents that he's been secretly gathering and put them under the tree. This is a particularly huge surprise because Jay isn't too good at keeping secrets. And I've completely regressed to how I felt as a kid, wanting to open them early or at least shake them a bit. I thought I was past that stage, at least until we got up to Mom's house on Christmas morning and I saw the size of my pile. That gets me every year. But I'm surprised that it's started early this year.

Putting up the tree tonight was something out of an old movie or a Christmas painting. I was holding and trying to entertain the baby while Jay put up the tree and hung lights around the window, and every once in awhile Jay had to stop what he was doing and come over to praise Kameryn because she was talking and throwing in the occassional "Dada" here and there. This is the one we've been trying to get her to say for a long time now, and she finally figured it out tonight. It was impressive that she said it, but what was almost better, for me, was that we would praise her for it and she would get such a look of pride on her face. She would smile and laugh, and make the sound she makes closest to saying "Yeah!" and clap her hands. The more she learns to express herself, the more I want to hear what she's thinking. Until then, I'm really proud of "Dada." And we'll work now on a few "Mama's."

Early Resolutions

I can always think of a million things to blog about during the day. I make mental lists, but then when I sit in front of the computer with the blank screen, most the time I can't remember anything, and if I can, I think, "Well, that idea was lame."
I'm a constant blog-checker. I have a list in my favorites of ones I check every day, but tonight I needed extra help so I just clicked on some that popped up, and of course I had a special connection to any of them with "Coffee" in the title.
One thing I've found about blogs is most people write the most amazing things. I don't know what it is about me that loves reading other people's thoughts, especially from one day to the next, but people are all so interesting. Even from the total outside looking in I feel priviledged to be reading someone else's thoughts and learning a little about their back story.
And maybe that makes me a little bit of a blog-stalker, which I guess could scare people. But my intentions are good.

Tonight I want to skip past thinking about Christmas and the money I don't have, and go right to thinking about New Years and the opportunity to make goals about things in my life I'd like to change.
One of my first goals for next year is that I would love to live in a way that is healthy for myself. I hate thinking about it in terms of "I have to lose 15 pounds by my birthday" for example, I'm not sure why but that form of goal setting has a lot of negativity associated with it for me, probably because there's such a large chance of failure. What I would like to do is live in a way that is just more respectful to myself. I've found that a lot of my habits (and yes, especially eating habits) are things that work, but not really the things that make me feel good. I've found since having my baby that I have a large amount of respect for my body and what it's capable of. In addition to making and feeding a baby, I also rarely get sick, even when surrounded by disease at work all day. That's not something I want to lose.
I also would like to read more. I've always loved to read but usually don't make time for it during the day. And as Kameryn gets older I'm not exactly sure how I'll be able to accomplish it, but I still think it's important.
I'd also like to continue writing. I've found writing on my blog every day that I get less comments on what I do write, but it's such a rewarding routine because I can go back and read what I've written and remind myself of stories and things that might've been brushed aside and forgotten otherwise. The risk in that is the same as keeping a journal; most times I find that I wait a year and when I go back and read what I wrote before I'm almost embarassed by myself. The difference now, I think, is I'm not writing about high school drama or which boys I like and wished like me, I get to write about my daughter and watching her grow up. It goes by so fast, SO FAST, that even if I'm embarassed by this in a year, at least I'll have the stories about her mixed in. I can't imagine I'll ever get sick of those.
The last thing I'll say is that I want to go on a vacation with my family this coming year. My sweet husband works SO HARD for us it will be so fun to take a chance and just get away from everything. Him and I have always enjoyed our time together, but there's almost something magical about being together as a family. I'm so grateful for him and for Kameryn. Plus, it will be nice to get out and show her things as she gets older. And yes, I suppose that means we'll have to do some camping. In a tent. On the GROUND. But the experiences will be worth it.
When I'm at work and I have to do something I don't want to do or something that scares me, what I'll say is, "Let's do this." Somehow just in saying it I feel more powerful and less afraid. So bring on the rest of the year which usually has me depressed and anxious. Bring on next year, too, because I have some work I need to do. Let's do this.

Thanksgiving #1:

Today was the Thanksgiving with the Ertmann side of the family. That is to say, today at dinner it was Jay's parents, Jay, Kameryn and myself. Time spent with the Ertmann side of the family might as well be the polar opposite of time spent with my family: In my family there's a bit of chaos when we all get together because there's so many of us, and so much is over the top. We play games loudly, we talk about crazy things, we have TONS of food, and we always have a lot of fun.

(Kameryn cheating and getting her nap in BEFORE the Thanksgiving dinner.)
Jay's side of the family is fun, too, but in such a different, subtle way. Things are more quiet and concise, and conversation isn't as easilly come by.
However, we did get Kameryn to try some cranberries which, I'm ashamed to say, she seemed to like. And possibly my favorite part was that Kameryn was lying on the floor, and her Grandpa Ertmann got down with her to kiss her and give her zerbots on her belly. He's a total sucker for her, and it think it's completely sweet and endearing.

(Me standing by to take a picture of the grimace that would follow being spoonfed the cranberry sauce. This grimace never happened.)
It does make me even more excited for the chaos that will be the Hanna Thanksgiving tomorrow.

(At this point you may have noticed that I said a total of 5 people were at this Thanksgiving dinner. I sucessfully got pictures of two, the same ones I could get pictures of any day of the year. So I'm smitten with my own kid! So what?! I'm not ashamed!)

I PROMISE I Didn't Teach Her This:

CRAZY. Just like her Dad.

Life's Little Pleasant Surprises

1. Discovering that the pants I bought- the 3 new pairs -that I thought were one size were actually marked wrong and they're a size smaller.
2. Finding out last night that Jay got Friday off, so he'll have three days off of work this week, and we won't have to cut our Thanksgivings short so he can come home and sleep.
3. Being told that instead of waiting until Monday, I'm getting paid tomorrow since I don't have to work on Friday.
4. Having Jay say, "No, I'll stay up tonight and help you clean." And then having him ACTUALLY get enough sleep during the day so he CAN!
5. Knowing that we're cleaning up because we're having the family over on Friday. Even Allie and Steve.
6. Having tomorrow be the last day of work for the week.
7. And maybe the best one of all for tonight: Having such a hard time with Kameryn the past couple nights, but tonight when I laid her in her crib she seemed relieved, she could hardly keep her eyes open when I read her bedtime stories, and only having her cry as long as it took me to take her bottle to the kitchen. Now she's fast asleep.

There are some days when I come home from work, and it might sound crazy, but when I look at Kameryn, she looks older than when I left.
And tonight when I was trying to take pictures of her to show it, I kept thinking she looked exactly like baby pictures of Allison.
It's funny, but Jay and I are both so excited for Christmas this year because of Kameryn. And sometimes when she's on the floor playing on Saturday mornings I leave the TV on cartoons so that she can listen to them, and anytime we can find Sesame Street we watch it. After having a baby we probably SHOULD be acting more grown up, but instead I've found we delight more in the things we loved when we were kids. It's like with her we're discovering everything all over again.

Some Childhood Memories

Here's a list of meaningful things from my childhood:

Having mom make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day cut into 4 squares that I ate while watching Sesame Street. I know it's been Elmo that hit it big off of that show, but truthfully I think my favortie character might have been Grover.

Tuna Helper Tetrazini. And fresh-made chocolate chip cookies. And by fresh, I mean made DAILY.

My friend Kim, who has been my friend so long that I honestly don't remember meeting her. And of course Abby and Linds and Katie and Jocie and Lauren. My friends have been my friends forever, and one thing I don't think I'll ever forget is that it was my friends in the bathroom with me helping me get ready for my wedding. There was something really fitting about that.

Singing in the car when the family went on trips. I remember singing the Little Mermaid and the "Oh no bee-staw eh may dominea" song a lot. And Mom and Dad taking turns telling all of his kids things they like about us.

Coming home after church and smelling the roast or whatever Mom was making for dinner and all of us pretending to die in the family room because it smelled so good.

Going up to Great Grandma Hanna's house for Christmas and Santa Claus always stopping by.

Sitting on Grandma and Grandpa Turner's steps eating watermelon. And once I went over to Rebecca's house and she gave me American cheese to eat as a snack and since I don't like it I fed it to her cat.

Family dinners when Dad would always stack things and put one grain of rice on our plates and tell us when we had finished it we could have some more. And I don't know if it was just me or all of us, but I remember that the blessing on the food was always the same.

I remember doing the same puzzles EVERY DAY. And playing with my Little Ponies while listening to Saturday's warrior. ON A RECORD. Ahh, Saturday's Warrior, a film almost anyone can relate to, where the good guys just want to have their nine kids in peace, and the bad guys want....dun dun dun...population control.

I remember dancing with Allison and Danae in the family room, but they would always dance together so I would dance by myself holding my hands with my fingers entertwined and looking at them, pretending it was me and someone else. Yeah, that might have been where the psychosis started...

I remember how hard it was to live with 6 kids all in the same house, and I remember fights we got into, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I say it again and again but I love the relationships I have with everyone in my family. You guys are my best friends. I love you so much.

And my friends feel like family. No matter how much time has passed when we get together we can talk and have fun without it being uncomfortable at all.

I'm really thankful for all you guys.