Love Letter, A Day Late - Month 7

The day I found out I was pregnant was the scariest, most surreal day of my life. Well, up until that point. And it was happy and fun, too, after I told Jay, but that didn't come until later. I found out right before I had to go to work, or my externship, rather, and I cried the entire way there, wondering how I was ever going to 1. Tell my mom and 2. Take care of a baby. And the fears actually went IN THAT ORDER. Not because my mom is a scary person, I knew she would support me. But I also knew she would wonder how I could take care of a baby seeing as me and Jay were living in her basement. With the goal of paying our bills off.
Through my pregnancy I fell in love with the idea of being pregnant, but still couldn't imagine how a baby would affect me and my marriage. I looked forward to it, but still kinda dreaded it at the same time.
Now, I don't know how I ever lived without my sweet Kameryn. She's the one person that can make me smile NO MATTER WHAT, and it breaks my heart every time I walk in the door and I see the grin. You guys know the grin. The "you're the only person in the world I care about" grin. I've been getting the grin for awhile now, but in the last month or so she's added the kisses (which get kinda violent and VERY wet, depending on how long I've been away) and now I even get the reach. The "Come over here and pick me up so I can saturate your cheeks and nose with my slobber" reach. It makes coming home an awesome experience, no matter how my day has gone, how the traffic was on the way home or how messy my apartment is. Kameryn is the ultimate lover. You almost can't help but get swept away by her.
In the last month she has almost mastered sleeping in her crib by herself. She usually still cries when I first turn off her light, but the more it's becoming routine, the better she handles it. Sometimes (rare, blessed times) she even has a hard time keeping herself awake to listen to her bedtime stories. There have even been a few times when I lay her down and she seems relieved, like I have FINALLY brought her to her crib, she can FINALLY sleep now. The whole process is amazing to me because it was something I didn't think we could do; her OR me, and now we're doing it and I think we're both so much happier. And that's another thing I've learned about Kameryn: I shouldn't underestimate her, because she exceeds my expectations time and time again. She's smart and she learns things quickly. Which means I need to get to baby-proofing my house SOON. Because I know before long she's going to be ZOOMING around here.
This month has been the month for "Mama's" and "Dada's." We got her saying "Dada," and then tried to also get her to say "Mama." When she's learning to say something new she starts by watching your mouth while you say it, and she studies it SO closely. Jay and I kept saying "Mama" slowly so she could see how to move her mouth, and she succeeded in humming an "M" sound, which we praised her for, thinking it was good work for the day, a ton of progress.
Then we got in the car, and she was in the backseat by herself, and she started babbling to herself. And then we heard her start humming the "M" sound again. We both looked at each other and just listened. She worked on it harder and harder, and got herself a little closer, then would start saying "Nana" again, which she's known for awhile now. Then she'd switch back again, and by the end of the car ride she was saying "Mama." She had rememebered and taught herself.
I was completely amazed by it, and I think she should win something for it. I'm not kidding.
I'm also continuously impressed by how much she understands. I'll say, "Kameryn, give me a kiss." And she will. It amazes me that she can understand at least some of what I'm saying, especially when she's also learning so much else at the same time, like rolling over each way and reaching for things. She's also mastered sitting up to the point that she can sit by herself in a shopping cart or a highchair.
One thing I think we're going to see a lot more of as she gets older is her love for dancing. I think we've all seen her dissolve into laughter when we're dancing with her, but I think it's more than just the attention or even funny dancing. She loves the beat. She likes listening to music, and she gets a really sweet smile when she hears music that she likes. I think as soon as she's old enough I'm going to put her into Allison's Amanda's gymnastics class. Hopefully she'll still be doing it by then. I think it's something Kameryn will really have a passion for.
I made up a song, a really simple song about her mommy and daddy loving her, and I've been singing it to her since she was about 7 weeks old. Recently when I get to the part about her Daddy loving her, Jay will sing the last line himself, which is "Yes I do." I sang it to her this morning and when it came to that part, she started looking around for her dad, wondering where he was and why he was slacking on his lines. Even that is amazing to me. And I love to see her smile when I start the song. I can hardly get through it without her covering me in kisses. It's been fun to have her show me that the feeling is mutual.
I could brag about her all night long. I could talk about a million things about her that I find amazing. I think what touches me the most is how she can light up a room and make people happy. She does it to my family, but I've seen her do it to strangers in a store, too. Something about her smile and her enthusiasm. It's something I never want her to lose. I always want her to maintain her self confidence because people respond to it. I respond to it. And it makes the world more beautiful.
I love you beautiful girl. So much more than I can even put into words or tell in stories.

Sweet Moments

So the holiday sickness that's been going around left me alone for the holidays, but now that I should be working again it's come at me full swing. I went to bed last night with a headache, and woke up this morning with the same headache and nausea. I called in sick for work, but have been feeling achy all day, and my skin hurts. I hate being sick so much, I get so frustrated with it. I just wish there was something I could do or say or buy so that I can get out of bed and do something productive, instead of lying there wishing it didn't hurt to be touching the bed.
I've always been really clingy when I'm sick. I like to cuddle up with Jay, but today was my first time being sick since Kameryn was born and he had his hands full today taking care of her. So I ended up just sleeping a lot. In the bed. By myself.
Jay had left me so I could get some more sleep, and him and Kameryn went and watched House in the other room, where she apparently fell asleep. I woke up from her crying, though, and Jay said she woke up, started looking around and when she couldn't see me started hysterically crying. He even sang her the song I sing to her, and he said it made her crying worse.
So he brought her in to me, and I sat up to hold her. She cuddled up with me, stopped crying, and just sat there like that. She cuddles a lot, but always only for a minute or two because there's so much going on and she doesn't want to miss a thing. But tonight she just layed there with her head on my shoulder, like I was the answer to her problems.
And really, it was exactly what I wanted, too. I was so surprised and pleased that I didn't want to move at all. So we sat there, Mom and baby, just loving each other and happy we were together.
Sometimes I don't like to write about stories like this because so much of it is the feeling I get knowing that she's mine and being so proud of her, and I don't know how well it translates. I can see someone reading the story and thinking, "So she wanted to be held, big deal."
I guess I write about it because it's the small moments like this that help me understand that I really am her mom, and the way I feel about my mom is the way she feels about me; that I can make her better just by being there.
But something I didn't expect and I hope never fades is that she's also my friend. She's fun to be around and loving her is so easy for me.
Kameryn turns 7 months old tomorrow, and I can't believe how fast she's grown. And believe me, if you thought tonight's blog was sappy then get ready for over-the-top sappiness tomorrow. I could (and probably will) brag and love on her ALL DAY LONG!

Cheating Blog, Night #2:

I tried to start about 3 different blogs, but they weren't working out for me and now I'm too tired to make anything sound good. So here's the picture I tried to attach the other night and couldn't. Tonight is yet another night when I lean on the cuteness of my baby to get me through until tomorrow.

A Quick Cheater Blog

So I intended to cheat a little on my blog tonight, but it looks like even if I do a quick post it won't go unnoticed since the date has changed on blogger and it says I'm blogging on Monday. Kinda frustrating, but that's alright, I'm still here, still getting in my blogging for the night.
There's something really fun about this month and reaching this goal I've set. It's become a sort of routine, but one I really enjoy, and I think it's really helped with the goal of putting Kameryn to bed as well. I lay her down and come in here to blog, and it's nice to have something else I know I have to do because working on it makes it so I'm not sitting listening to her cry some nights biting my fingernails off. And I'm not one to bite my fingernails when I'm anxious, but sometimes the tone of her scream or the little ear piercing yell will get me there fast.
More than that, even, I've enjoyed giving myself the opportunity to take a little while every night to create something, to say something or come up with something even when I don't have too much to say. During my poetry writing time I ultimately wanted to publish some of the poems I wrote, and I think this taps into that desire a little bit, just getting some of my writing out there for anyone who wants to read it.
But that's it for tonight. Danae is bringing baby Isaac over in the morning since she's decided to go back to work a little bit early, and I need to get to sleep in case he's ready to be awake for me by the time he gets here. I'm really excited and apprehensive about getting to watch him, but most of all I feel really honored that she trusts Jay and me enough to leave her sweet son with us.

Maybe It's Not So Bad...

A large part of my day today was spent in stores searching for the perfect presents, spending money I don't really have and getting in the way of people I don't know. Today was fun, though, because we got presents for Kameryn and our nephew Xander, and Danae was with us so she helped keep things fun and interesting. Despite traffic getting worse, parking spots becoming harder to find, the weather getting colder and the Y winning in the last 3 seconds of the freaking game, I have to admit that there are some things about winter I like.

I like sitting in Danae's apartment talking to her and watching shows about mediums and MTV while also trying to keep the babies happy. And during this ordeal Jay is completely asleep on a nearby chair.

I like buying hot cocoa from the grocery store. The thought of being cold but going home and drinking it with my family and warming up while having good conversations almost makes it worth being cold in the first place.

I like getting kisses from Kameryn. She's so interesting and I can tell so much by how she kisses me, and ultimately how much slobber ends up on my face afterward.

I liked putting up the Christmas tree tonight. Kameryn stayed completely enchanted with it and just wanted to reach out and touch it for the longest time. And it was fun to pull out the ornaments and remember how much fun it was to buy the one of our first Christmas together, and then add the one for "Baby's First Christmas, 2006."

Jay wrapped my presents that he's been secretly gathering and put them under the tree. This is a particularly huge surprise because Jay isn't too good at keeping secrets. And I've completely regressed to how I felt as a kid, wanting to open them early or at least shake them a bit. I thought I was past that stage, at least until we got up to Mom's house on Christmas morning and I saw the size of my pile. That gets me every year. But I'm surprised that it's started early this year.

Putting up the tree tonight was something out of an old movie or a Christmas painting. I was holding and trying to entertain the baby while Jay put up the tree and hung lights around the window, and every once in awhile Jay had to stop what he was doing and come over to praise Kameryn because she was talking and throwing in the occassional "Dada" here and there. This is the one we've been trying to get her to say for a long time now, and she finally figured it out tonight. It was impressive that she said it, but what was almost better, for me, was that we would praise her for it and she would get such a look of pride on her face. She would smile and laugh, and make the sound she makes closest to saying "Yeah!" and clap her hands. The more she learns to express herself, the more I want to hear what she's thinking. Until then, I'm really proud of "Dada." And we'll work now on a few "Mama's."

Early Resolutions

I can always think of a million things to blog about during the day. I make mental lists, but then when I sit in front of the computer with the blank screen, most the time I can't remember anything, and if I can, I think, "Well, that idea was lame."
I'm a constant blog-checker. I have a list in my favorites of ones I check every day, but tonight I needed extra help so I just clicked on some that popped up, and of course I had a special connection to any of them with "Coffee" in the title.
One thing I've found about blogs is most people write the most amazing things. I don't know what it is about me that loves reading other people's thoughts, especially from one day to the next, but people are all so interesting. Even from the total outside looking in I feel priviledged to be reading someone else's thoughts and learning a little about their back story.
And maybe that makes me a little bit of a blog-stalker, which I guess could scare people. But my intentions are good.

Tonight I want to skip past thinking about Christmas and the money I don't have, and go right to thinking about New Years and the opportunity to make goals about things in my life I'd like to change.
One of my first goals for next year is that I would love to live in a way that is healthy for myself. I hate thinking about it in terms of "I have to lose 15 pounds by my birthday" for example, I'm not sure why but that form of goal setting has a lot of negativity associated with it for me, probably because there's such a large chance of failure. What I would like to do is live in a way that is just more respectful to myself. I've found that a lot of my habits (and yes, especially eating habits) are things that work, but not really the things that make me feel good. I've found since having my baby that I have a large amount of respect for my body and what it's capable of. In addition to making and feeding a baby, I also rarely get sick, even when surrounded by disease at work all day. That's not something I want to lose.
I also would like to read more. I've always loved to read but usually don't make time for it during the day. And as Kameryn gets older I'm not exactly sure how I'll be able to accomplish it, but I still think it's important.
I'd also like to continue writing. I've found writing on my blog every day that I get less comments on what I do write, but it's such a rewarding routine because I can go back and read what I've written and remind myself of stories and things that might've been brushed aside and forgotten otherwise. The risk in that is the same as keeping a journal; most times I find that I wait a year and when I go back and read what I wrote before I'm almost embarassed by myself. The difference now, I think, is I'm not writing about high school drama or which boys I like and wished like me, I get to write about my daughter and watching her grow up. It goes by so fast, SO FAST, that even if I'm embarassed by this in a year, at least I'll have the stories about her mixed in. I can't imagine I'll ever get sick of those.
The last thing I'll say is that I want to go on a vacation with my family this coming year. My sweet husband works SO HARD for us it will be so fun to take a chance and just get away from everything. Him and I have always enjoyed our time together, but there's almost something magical about being together as a family. I'm so grateful for him and for Kameryn. Plus, it will be nice to get out and show her things as she gets older. And yes, I suppose that means we'll have to do some camping. In a tent. On the GROUND. But the experiences will be worth it.
When I'm at work and I have to do something I don't want to do or something that scares me, what I'll say is, "Let's do this." Somehow just in saying it I feel more powerful and less afraid. So bring on the rest of the year which usually has me depressed and anxious. Bring on next year, too, because I have some work I need to do. Let's do this.

Thanksgiving #1:

Today was the Thanksgiving with the Ertmann side of the family. That is to say, today at dinner it was Jay's parents, Jay, Kameryn and myself. Time spent with the Ertmann side of the family might as well be the polar opposite of time spent with my family: In my family there's a bit of chaos when we all get together because there's so many of us, and so much is over the top. We play games loudly, we talk about crazy things, we have TONS of food, and we always have a lot of fun.

(Kameryn cheating and getting her nap in BEFORE the Thanksgiving dinner.)
Jay's side of the family is fun, too, but in such a different, subtle way. Things are more quiet and concise, and conversation isn't as easilly come by.
However, we did get Kameryn to try some cranberries which, I'm ashamed to say, she seemed to like. And possibly my favorite part was that Kameryn was lying on the floor, and her Grandpa Ertmann got down with her to kiss her and give her zerbots on her belly. He's a total sucker for her, and it think it's completely sweet and endearing.

(Me standing by to take a picture of the grimace that would follow being spoonfed the cranberry sauce. This grimace never happened.)
It does make me even more excited for the chaos that will be the Hanna Thanksgiving tomorrow.

(At this point you may have noticed that I said a total of 5 people were at this Thanksgiving dinner. I sucessfully got pictures of two, the same ones I could get pictures of any day of the year. So I'm smitten with my own kid! So what?! I'm not ashamed!)

I PROMISE I Didn't Teach Her This:

CRAZY. Just like her Dad.

Life's Little Pleasant Surprises

1. Discovering that the pants I bought- the 3 new pairs -that I thought were one size were actually marked wrong and they're a size smaller.
2. Finding out last night that Jay got Friday off, so he'll have three days off of work this week, and we won't have to cut our Thanksgivings short so he can come home and sleep.
3. Being told that instead of waiting until Monday, I'm getting paid tomorrow since I don't have to work on Friday.
4. Having Jay say, "No, I'll stay up tonight and help you clean." And then having him ACTUALLY get enough sleep during the day so he CAN!
5. Knowing that we're cleaning up because we're having the family over on Friday. Even Allie and Steve.
6. Having tomorrow be the last day of work for the week.
7. And maybe the best one of all for tonight: Having such a hard time with Kameryn the past couple nights, but tonight when I laid her in her crib she seemed relieved, she could hardly keep her eyes open when I read her bedtime stories, and only having her cry as long as it took me to take her bottle to the kitchen. Now she's fast asleep.

There are some days when I come home from work, and it might sound crazy, but when I look at Kameryn, she looks older than when I left.
And tonight when I was trying to take pictures of her to show it, I kept thinking she looked exactly like baby pictures of Allison.
It's funny, but Jay and I are both so excited for Christmas this year because of Kameryn. And sometimes when she's on the floor playing on Saturday mornings I leave the TV on cartoons so that she can listen to them, and anytime we can find Sesame Street we watch it. After having a baby we probably SHOULD be acting more grown up, but instead I've found we delight more in the things we loved when we were kids. It's like with her we're discovering everything all over again.

Some Childhood Memories

Here's a list of meaningful things from my childhood:

Having mom make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day cut into 4 squares that I ate while watching Sesame Street. I know it's been Elmo that hit it big off of that show, but truthfully I think my favortie character might have been Grover.

Tuna Helper Tetrazini. And fresh-made chocolate chip cookies. And by fresh, I mean made DAILY.

My friend Kim, who has been my friend so long that I honestly don't remember meeting her. And of course Abby and Linds and Katie and Jocie and Lauren. My friends have been my friends forever, and one thing I don't think I'll ever forget is that it was my friends in the bathroom with me helping me get ready for my wedding. There was something really fitting about that.

Singing in the car when the family went on trips. I remember singing the Little Mermaid and the "Oh no bee-staw eh may dominea" song a lot. And Mom and Dad taking turns telling all of his kids things they like about us.

Coming home after church and smelling the roast or whatever Mom was making for dinner and all of us pretending to die in the family room because it smelled so good.

Going up to Great Grandma Hanna's house for Christmas and Santa Claus always stopping by.

Sitting on Grandma and Grandpa Turner's steps eating watermelon. And once I went over to Rebecca's house and she gave me American cheese to eat as a snack and since I don't like it I fed it to her cat.

Family dinners when Dad would always stack things and put one grain of rice on our plates and tell us when we had finished it we could have some more. And I don't know if it was just me or all of us, but I remember that the blessing on the food was always the same.

I remember doing the same puzzles EVERY DAY. And playing with my Little Ponies while listening to Saturday's warrior. ON A RECORD. Ahh, Saturday's Warrior, a film almost anyone can relate to, where the good guys just want to have their nine kids in peace, and the bad guys want....dun dun dun...population control.

I remember dancing with Allison and Danae in the family room, but they would always dance together so I would dance by myself holding my hands with my fingers entertwined and looking at them, pretending it was me and someone else. Yeah, that might have been where the psychosis started...

I remember how hard it was to live with 6 kids all in the same house, and I remember fights we got into, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I say it again and again but I love the relationships I have with everyone in my family. You guys are my best friends. I love you so much.

And my friends feel like family. No matter how much time has passed when we get together we can talk and have fun without it being uncomfortable at all.

I'm really thankful for all you guys.

Dreams

I'm totally jealous of Katie Holmes right now. I wouldn't want to be married to Tom Cruise, but come on. Who isn't jealous of a wedding in an Italian castle?! Just having all the money you need to get married anywhere in the world. I made the decision today that I have to go to Europe before I die. I want to see the Louvre and some Scottish castles and I want to see Loch Ness. I think just the age of Europe is so enticing, and the architecture is so beautiful. If I had my way I'd see the places previously listed, and also go to Egypt and see the pyraminds, I'd want to see Stonehenge, and if Allie came with me we'd go see the Eiffle Tower, just to find out once and for all if it's real or not.

Good Things

Tonight I saw the Da Vinci Code for the first time and I really liked it. I thought the acting was really good in it and the music was brilliant. My favortie line from it was "We are what we protect, I think. What we stand up for."

On a different note all together I had a patient pay me a huge compliment today. She came in to get her flu shot and also to get one for her daughter who was almost 3. For some reason she had her daughter go first, so I got her thigh ready and gave her the shot, and she didn't cry. She didn't make any sound at all or pull away, she just sat there! I was impressed, and the mom says, "Oh great! I'm scared and I just got shown up by my baby!" So I gave her the flu shot, and when I was done she said, "I want you to know you give a much better shot than (co-worker's name.) Any time I bring my daughter in and you give her her shots, they don't seem to bother her too much, and when (co-worker) gives her the shots she bruises for weeks! You just seem more gentle, both in the way you do things and how you handle your patients, and I want you to know I appreciate it."
No, you don't need to send Grandma Hanna out to get me, I'm not trying to brag. It's just nice when things I do are appreciated, and even more so when my bedside manner is complimented. The other MA she was referring to is one that has senoirity over me and prides herself on it. She'll tell a patient straight out, even when I'm in the room with her, "Oh, you don't need to worry because I'm giving the shot, and I give shots the best." Well, co-worker, I guess not everyone thinks so. And I don't need everyone to think I'M the best, either, but it was a huge compliment.
And some more good things I'm looking forward to are THANKSGIVING and Allie and Steve coming up and Kim and Caleb coming down! I honestly have had a countdown in my mind for this, I'm so excited to see everyone! My favorite times are when the family can get all together.

Medicine

Tonight a co-worker was talking to a patient on the phone, and she said something about making sure they got the right medicine, and I'm not sure what it was about it, but it reminded me of something. It made me think of when Allison would make up her little sugar water concoction and tell us it was medicine. I think it may have worked on me once or twice, but if I remember right it worked wonders with Geoff for a little while. Allie, am I remembering this right?
Also, I remember when I had the chicken pox I would ask Chelsee to get me medicine when I was itching, and of course the medicine was none other than those cherry cough drops that tasted like candy.
Now I think the medicine I like the most is mom and mom's bed. Even still when I'm sick, I want to call and tell mom about it, mostly because just her KNOWING makes it a little bit easier. And there's still something really healing about mom's bed- It really does make you feel better.
I remember when I was little we came home from somewhere and I had a terrible sunburn. I can still remember how badly I was burned on my shoulders and back. We had gotten home at around 2 or 3 in the morning, and one of the first things mom did was go to the store and buy aloe vera to help me feel better. Even then I was really touched that she would do that to help me when we were all so tired.
I think that might be why it helps just to tell mom when I'm not feeling well, because I know that if there was ANYTHING she could do to make me feel better, she would do it.
I hope I can be a mom like that to my sweet Kami.

For Chelsee and Allison

Is it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Maybe just for me, because these pictures were taken at 9:30 this morning again. My baby is a champion sleeper.

Allie, I'm sorry this picture is blurry, but I thought you had to see the coat in all it's majesty. It's a little bit dangerous, though. We had Kameryn in it yesterday while we ran errands, and she was perfectly content despite the snow on the ground. But then we brought her home and didn't take it off her right away, and she started to get fussy. When I finally did take it off her, the back of her head was covered in sweat. The Scotty Dog coat means business, dude. You don't wanna mess with it.

Disaster Avoided

So, today would've been the day we would've heard from American Baby if Kameryn had gotten chosen for the top 5 babies in the nation. Thankfully, they didn't call. I know, I acted like I thought it was such a great idea, but really, let's be honest with ourselves here. With a baby as cute as mine, all I need is for pictures of her to get leaked into the press. Then I'd have reporters here trying to interview us to find out how we made the perfect baby, and there would be photographers hiding in the bushes just trying to get a good shot of her, people asking to touch her and people always recognising us everywhere we go, "Oh look, there's Kameryn! Can she drool on something of mine? PLEASE?!" Who wants all that pressure? Of course she's a beautiful baby but she still deserves a normal childhood, people.
I'm also happy to report that Kameryn cried for about a total of 45 seconds when I put her in her crib tonight. She's been sleeping so well lately that I rush in there in the middle of the night to make sure she's okay! Last night she slept from 11:30 until WE woke HER up at 9:30. She's a pro. I'm so proud of you, baby!

Things I'm Thankful For:

This afternoon I had to write the date on a paper the doctor handed me, and I honestly couldn't believe it when I saw that it's the 13th of November. Time goes by so fast I can't believe it. I kinda feel like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption after he gets out of prison and he says, "The whole world went and got itself in a damn hurry." That's probably not the actual quote. But that is how I feel.
Since it's November I thought I might just pepper my little blog with things I'm thankful for. My first one tonight is something I referenced in another blog awhile ago, but since then I got a picture which, to me, is pretty priceless.

This is Kameryn with her great grandpa Ertmann.

We had gone over to his house for dinner, and he said the blessing on the food. In it, he said that Kameryn "was a beautiful little girl" and asked that she grow up healthy and strong and that she have a good life.

I don't have adequate words to describe the feeling I got listening to him talk about her. Even though what he was saying was simple, it was beautiful. I'm thankful they got to meet each other. He's a great man.

Doctor's Office Sayings That Have To Go:

1. When I take your temprature, please don't ask: "Did you see the light on the wall?" Meaning that the light from the thermometer went through your head and since you don't have a brain, I could see the light on the wall next to us. Here is a fact: There isn't a light on the end of my thermometer. Here's a tip: Only REALLY cute OLD men can pull this one off. And even then, it's not funny.

2. When I weigh you, please don't say, "And then you have to take off 30 pounds for clothes." Some people who say it are joking, and then it's alright, but when you start listing everything your wearing that will make you weigh more, I wish I could mute you.

3. People who get mad because I've blown up the air pressure cuff too tight. Well, that's kinda the name of the game, isn't it? I hate to tell you, but if I need your blood I have to poke you, if I'm checking for strep I have to swab your throat, which will gag you, and I can't GENTLY take your blood pressure. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could be more gentle, it's me.

4. Please don't say ANYTHING when I put my stethoscope in my ears. Here's the trick: They PLUG my ears so I can hear your heartbeat. So I can see your mouth moving, and most the time that's it. The exception to this rule is the people who are still listing all the things I need to subtract from their weight. You guys can talk the whole time.

5. Other people in the room (or other MAs) who tell me I can be "Extra mean to you." I once even had a girl telling me where her boyfriend was tickleish while I was doing an EKG on him. I don't know that I can properly explain how awkward that made things for him and me, so I'll move on.

6. This next one isn't a saying, but it's worth ending on. PLEASE DO NOT FLEX WHEN I'M PUTTING ON THE BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF. I know you're trying to be sexy and manly, and to each his own. The problem is it is so hard to keep myself from laughing. Please don't do it. Trust me on this one.

Her Gift To Me

One of the things I know about myself and I'm trying to work on is the fact that I want everyone to like me. At least, I don't like to be offensive to anybody. At times growing up it almost seems like I spent my days trying to fade into the background because I was so uncomfortable being in any kind of spotlight.
At one point I really got over my fear, though, and it's a time I remember really fondly except for one aspect of it; I wasn't afraid to be myself or offend people because I was so mad and hurt by my circumstances that I lashed out at everything. I was constantly writing poetry, which makes it sound like it should be beautiful, but it was angry. It was the one outlet I could find for everything that was going on inside me. As such, going back and reading what I wrote during that time leaves me feeling a little embarassed or really angry and upset.
An example:

If it's the truth that sets you free

Than lies put you in chains

We try to open, but eyes stay closed

They've brainwashed all our brains.

It sounds morbid cuz in truth, IT IS

A cold Christ rules them all

They say they listen, they say they love

But one by one they fall.

It's more than death, it's more than life

It's more than choice and sin.

It's opening a pit called "God"

And watching them fall in.

I've been a lot happier since then, which is good, but the trade off was that I started to hide again, to clean up whatever it is that I feel so it looked neat to anyone looking in. When I feel something strongly I have these voices in my head that tell me "I don't have all the facts" or "I would feel differently if I knew more." Worst of all, I feel like I need someone to validate what I feel before I can say it as my own.

I think this is why I like writing about Kameryn so much. What I feel for her is so strong and so unwavering that I feel confident writing it down so anyone who wants to can read it. I don't feel like it needs to be validated, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. The love I have for her makes me stronger. I want to be a better person for her.

And slowly, I feel like I'm able to take that commitment to myself and use it in other places, especially at work where I feel intimidated by the things I don't know. My love for her is my motivation to show up and commit to whatever it is that needs to get done. At the end of the day I'm learning that it feels better to put myself out there in a confident way and be wrong than to disrespect myself by not saying anything at all.

That has been one of the many gifts that she has given me just by being herself.

Cinematic Genius

It's interesting because there are some movies that I watch once, and every once in awhile will think about but aren't of any consequence at all. And then there are movies that I can't get out of my DVD player, after I watch them I watch the special features, I watch the movie again with the commentary on, I watch the making of the movie, and for awhile I'm completely consumed with them. Another thing to talk to my shrink about? Probably. But here's the list. Maybe if you add it up just right it will tell you all my secrets. Because honestly, this is the list of movies that I would defend if picked on, almost like protecting a sibling.

The List Of Movies I Am Now or Have Formally Been Obsessed With:
The first one I can remeber is Dirty Dancing.

More Recently:
Good Will Hunting
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Chicago
Lost in Translation
Garden State
Down With Love
Finding Neverland
Fever Pitch
The Notebook
V for Vendetta

And to put a capital I on the insanity:

Saw.