At one point I really got over my fear, though, and it's a time I remember really fondly except for one aspect of it; I wasn't afraid to be myself or offend people because I was so mad and hurt by my circumstances that I lashed out at everything. I was constantly writing poetry, which makes it sound like it should be beautiful, but it was angry. It was the one outlet I could find for everything that was going on inside me. As such, going back and reading what I wrote during that time leaves me feeling a little embarassed or really angry and upset.
An example:
If it's the truth that sets you free
Than lies put you in chains
We try to open, but eyes stay closed
They've brainwashed all our brains.
It sounds morbid cuz in truth, IT IS
A cold Christ rules them all
They say they listen, they say they love
But one by one they fall.
It's more than death, it's more than life
It's more than choice and sin.
It's opening a pit called "God"
And watching them fall in.
I've been a lot happier since then, which is good, but the trade off was that I started to hide again, to clean up whatever it is that I feel so it looked neat to anyone looking in. When I feel something strongly I have these voices in my head that tell me "I don't have all the facts" or "I would feel differently if I knew more." Worst of all, I feel like I need someone to validate what I feel before I can say it as my own.
I think this is why I like writing about Kameryn so much. What I feel for her is so strong and so unwavering that I feel confident writing it down so anyone who wants to can read it. I don't feel like it needs to be validated, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. The love I have for her makes me stronger. I want to be a better person for her.
And slowly, I feel like I'm able to take that commitment to myself and use it in other places, especially at work where I feel intimidated by the things I don't know. My love for her is my motivation to show up and commit to whatever it is that needs to get done. At the end of the day I'm learning that it feels better to put myself out there in a confident way and be wrong than to disrespect myself by not saying anything at all.
That has been one of the many gifts that she has given me just by being herself.
1 comment:
I always loved your poetry. It was actually some of that poetry that made me want to write some of my own. After the raw emotion that I saw in your poetry, forever after that, I always tried to express what I was feeling whenever we had to write a poem for school, etc... That was a gift to me. Thank you.
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