Maybe It's Not So Bad...

A large part of my day today was spent in stores searching for the perfect presents, spending money I don't really have and getting in the way of people I don't know. Today was fun, though, because we got presents for Kameryn and our nephew Xander, and Danae was with us so she helped keep things fun and interesting. Despite traffic getting worse, parking spots becoming harder to find, the weather getting colder and the Y winning in the last 3 seconds of the freaking game, I have to admit that there are some things about winter I like.

I like sitting in Danae's apartment talking to her and watching shows about mediums and MTV while also trying to keep the babies happy. And during this ordeal Jay is completely asleep on a nearby chair.

I like buying hot cocoa from the grocery store. The thought of being cold but going home and drinking it with my family and warming up while having good conversations almost makes it worth being cold in the first place.

I like getting kisses from Kameryn. She's so interesting and I can tell so much by how she kisses me, and ultimately how much slobber ends up on my face afterward.

I liked putting up the Christmas tree tonight. Kameryn stayed completely enchanted with it and just wanted to reach out and touch it for the longest time. And it was fun to pull out the ornaments and remember how much fun it was to buy the one of our first Christmas together, and then add the one for "Baby's First Christmas, 2006."

Jay wrapped my presents that he's been secretly gathering and put them under the tree. This is a particularly huge surprise because Jay isn't too good at keeping secrets. And I've completely regressed to how I felt as a kid, wanting to open them early or at least shake them a bit. I thought I was past that stage, at least until we got up to Mom's house on Christmas morning and I saw the size of my pile. That gets me every year. But I'm surprised that it's started early this year.

Putting up the tree tonight was something out of an old movie or a Christmas painting. I was holding and trying to entertain the baby while Jay put up the tree and hung lights around the window, and every once in awhile Jay had to stop what he was doing and come over to praise Kameryn because she was talking and throwing in the occassional "Dada" here and there. This is the one we've been trying to get her to say for a long time now, and she finally figured it out tonight. It was impressive that she said it, but what was almost better, for me, was that we would praise her for it and she would get such a look of pride on her face. She would smile and laugh, and make the sound she makes closest to saying "Yeah!" and clap her hands. The more she learns to express herself, the more I want to hear what she's thinking. Until then, I'm really proud of "Dada." And we'll work now on a few "Mama's."

Early Resolutions

I can always think of a million things to blog about during the day. I make mental lists, but then when I sit in front of the computer with the blank screen, most the time I can't remember anything, and if I can, I think, "Well, that idea was lame."
I'm a constant blog-checker. I have a list in my favorites of ones I check every day, but tonight I needed extra help so I just clicked on some that popped up, and of course I had a special connection to any of them with "Coffee" in the title.
One thing I've found about blogs is most people write the most amazing things. I don't know what it is about me that loves reading other people's thoughts, especially from one day to the next, but people are all so interesting. Even from the total outside looking in I feel priviledged to be reading someone else's thoughts and learning a little about their back story.
And maybe that makes me a little bit of a blog-stalker, which I guess could scare people. But my intentions are good.

Tonight I want to skip past thinking about Christmas and the money I don't have, and go right to thinking about New Years and the opportunity to make goals about things in my life I'd like to change.
One of my first goals for next year is that I would love to live in a way that is healthy for myself. I hate thinking about it in terms of "I have to lose 15 pounds by my birthday" for example, I'm not sure why but that form of goal setting has a lot of negativity associated with it for me, probably because there's such a large chance of failure. What I would like to do is live in a way that is just more respectful to myself. I've found that a lot of my habits (and yes, especially eating habits) are things that work, but not really the things that make me feel good. I've found since having my baby that I have a large amount of respect for my body and what it's capable of. In addition to making and feeding a baby, I also rarely get sick, even when surrounded by disease at work all day. That's not something I want to lose.
I also would like to read more. I've always loved to read but usually don't make time for it during the day. And as Kameryn gets older I'm not exactly sure how I'll be able to accomplish it, but I still think it's important.
I'd also like to continue writing. I've found writing on my blog every day that I get less comments on what I do write, but it's such a rewarding routine because I can go back and read what I've written and remind myself of stories and things that might've been brushed aside and forgotten otherwise. The risk in that is the same as keeping a journal; most times I find that I wait a year and when I go back and read what I wrote before I'm almost embarassed by myself. The difference now, I think, is I'm not writing about high school drama or which boys I like and wished like me, I get to write about my daughter and watching her grow up. It goes by so fast, SO FAST, that even if I'm embarassed by this in a year, at least I'll have the stories about her mixed in. I can't imagine I'll ever get sick of those.
The last thing I'll say is that I want to go on a vacation with my family this coming year. My sweet husband works SO HARD for us it will be so fun to take a chance and just get away from everything. Him and I have always enjoyed our time together, but there's almost something magical about being together as a family. I'm so grateful for him and for Kameryn. Plus, it will be nice to get out and show her things as she gets older. And yes, I suppose that means we'll have to do some camping. In a tent. On the GROUND. But the experiences will be worth it.
When I'm at work and I have to do something I don't want to do or something that scares me, what I'll say is, "Let's do this." Somehow just in saying it I feel more powerful and less afraid. So bring on the rest of the year which usually has me depressed and anxious. Bring on next year, too, because I have some work I need to do. Let's do this.

Thanksgiving #1:

Today was the Thanksgiving with the Ertmann side of the family. That is to say, today at dinner it was Jay's parents, Jay, Kameryn and myself. Time spent with the Ertmann side of the family might as well be the polar opposite of time spent with my family: In my family there's a bit of chaos when we all get together because there's so many of us, and so much is over the top. We play games loudly, we talk about crazy things, we have TONS of food, and we always have a lot of fun.

(Kameryn cheating and getting her nap in BEFORE the Thanksgiving dinner.)
Jay's side of the family is fun, too, but in such a different, subtle way. Things are more quiet and concise, and conversation isn't as easilly come by.
However, we did get Kameryn to try some cranberries which, I'm ashamed to say, she seemed to like. And possibly my favorite part was that Kameryn was lying on the floor, and her Grandpa Ertmann got down with her to kiss her and give her zerbots on her belly. He's a total sucker for her, and it think it's completely sweet and endearing.

(Me standing by to take a picture of the grimace that would follow being spoonfed the cranberry sauce. This grimace never happened.)
It does make me even more excited for the chaos that will be the Hanna Thanksgiving tomorrow.

(At this point you may have noticed that I said a total of 5 people were at this Thanksgiving dinner. I sucessfully got pictures of two, the same ones I could get pictures of any day of the year. So I'm smitten with my own kid! So what?! I'm not ashamed!)

I PROMISE I Didn't Teach Her This:

CRAZY. Just like her Dad.

Life's Little Pleasant Surprises

1. Discovering that the pants I bought- the 3 new pairs -that I thought were one size were actually marked wrong and they're a size smaller.
2. Finding out last night that Jay got Friday off, so he'll have three days off of work this week, and we won't have to cut our Thanksgivings short so he can come home and sleep.
3. Being told that instead of waiting until Monday, I'm getting paid tomorrow since I don't have to work on Friday.
4. Having Jay say, "No, I'll stay up tonight and help you clean." And then having him ACTUALLY get enough sleep during the day so he CAN!
5. Knowing that we're cleaning up because we're having the family over on Friday. Even Allie and Steve.
6. Having tomorrow be the last day of work for the week.
7. And maybe the best one of all for tonight: Having such a hard time with Kameryn the past couple nights, but tonight when I laid her in her crib she seemed relieved, she could hardly keep her eyes open when I read her bedtime stories, and only having her cry as long as it took me to take her bottle to the kitchen. Now she's fast asleep.

There are some days when I come home from work, and it might sound crazy, but when I look at Kameryn, she looks older than when I left.
And tonight when I was trying to take pictures of her to show it, I kept thinking she looked exactly like baby pictures of Allison.
It's funny, but Jay and I are both so excited for Christmas this year because of Kameryn. And sometimes when she's on the floor playing on Saturday mornings I leave the TV on cartoons so that she can listen to them, and anytime we can find Sesame Street we watch it. After having a baby we probably SHOULD be acting more grown up, but instead I've found we delight more in the things we loved when we were kids. It's like with her we're discovering everything all over again.

Some Childhood Memories

Here's a list of meaningful things from my childhood:

Having mom make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day cut into 4 squares that I ate while watching Sesame Street. I know it's been Elmo that hit it big off of that show, but truthfully I think my favortie character might have been Grover.

Tuna Helper Tetrazini. And fresh-made chocolate chip cookies. And by fresh, I mean made DAILY.

My friend Kim, who has been my friend so long that I honestly don't remember meeting her. And of course Abby and Linds and Katie and Jocie and Lauren. My friends have been my friends forever, and one thing I don't think I'll ever forget is that it was my friends in the bathroom with me helping me get ready for my wedding. There was something really fitting about that.

Singing in the car when the family went on trips. I remember singing the Little Mermaid and the "Oh no bee-staw eh may dominea" song a lot. And Mom and Dad taking turns telling all of his kids things they like about us.

Coming home after church and smelling the roast or whatever Mom was making for dinner and all of us pretending to die in the family room because it smelled so good.

Going up to Great Grandma Hanna's house for Christmas and Santa Claus always stopping by.

Sitting on Grandma and Grandpa Turner's steps eating watermelon. And once I went over to Rebecca's house and she gave me American cheese to eat as a snack and since I don't like it I fed it to her cat.

Family dinners when Dad would always stack things and put one grain of rice on our plates and tell us when we had finished it we could have some more. And I don't know if it was just me or all of us, but I remember that the blessing on the food was always the same.

I remember doing the same puzzles EVERY DAY. And playing with my Little Ponies while listening to Saturday's warrior. ON A RECORD. Ahh, Saturday's Warrior, a film almost anyone can relate to, where the good guys just want to have their nine kids in peace, and the bad guys want....dun dun dun...population control.

I remember dancing with Allison and Danae in the family room, but they would always dance together so I would dance by myself holding my hands with my fingers entertwined and looking at them, pretending it was me and someone else. Yeah, that might have been where the psychosis started...

I remember how hard it was to live with 6 kids all in the same house, and I remember fights we got into, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I say it again and again but I love the relationships I have with everyone in my family. You guys are my best friends. I love you so much.

And my friends feel like family. No matter how much time has passed when we get together we can talk and have fun without it being uncomfortable at all.

I'm really thankful for all you guys.

Dreams

I'm totally jealous of Katie Holmes right now. I wouldn't want to be married to Tom Cruise, but come on. Who isn't jealous of a wedding in an Italian castle?! Just having all the money you need to get married anywhere in the world. I made the decision today that I have to go to Europe before I die. I want to see the Louvre and some Scottish castles and I want to see Loch Ness. I think just the age of Europe is so enticing, and the architecture is so beautiful. If I had my way I'd see the places previously listed, and also go to Egypt and see the pyraminds, I'd want to see Stonehenge, and if Allie came with me we'd go see the Eiffle Tower, just to find out once and for all if it's real or not.

Good Things

Tonight I saw the Da Vinci Code for the first time and I really liked it. I thought the acting was really good in it and the music was brilliant. My favortie line from it was "We are what we protect, I think. What we stand up for."

On a different note all together I had a patient pay me a huge compliment today. She came in to get her flu shot and also to get one for her daughter who was almost 3. For some reason she had her daughter go first, so I got her thigh ready and gave her the shot, and she didn't cry. She didn't make any sound at all or pull away, she just sat there! I was impressed, and the mom says, "Oh great! I'm scared and I just got shown up by my baby!" So I gave her the flu shot, and when I was done she said, "I want you to know you give a much better shot than (co-worker's name.) Any time I bring my daughter in and you give her her shots, they don't seem to bother her too much, and when (co-worker) gives her the shots she bruises for weeks! You just seem more gentle, both in the way you do things and how you handle your patients, and I want you to know I appreciate it."
No, you don't need to send Grandma Hanna out to get me, I'm not trying to brag. It's just nice when things I do are appreciated, and even more so when my bedside manner is complimented. The other MA she was referring to is one that has senoirity over me and prides herself on it. She'll tell a patient straight out, even when I'm in the room with her, "Oh, you don't need to worry because I'm giving the shot, and I give shots the best." Well, co-worker, I guess not everyone thinks so. And I don't need everyone to think I'M the best, either, but it was a huge compliment.
And some more good things I'm looking forward to are THANKSGIVING and Allie and Steve coming up and Kim and Caleb coming down! I honestly have had a countdown in my mind for this, I'm so excited to see everyone! My favorite times are when the family can get all together.

Medicine

Tonight a co-worker was talking to a patient on the phone, and she said something about making sure they got the right medicine, and I'm not sure what it was about it, but it reminded me of something. It made me think of when Allison would make up her little sugar water concoction and tell us it was medicine. I think it may have worked on me once or twice, but if I remember right it worked wonders with Geoff for a little while. Allie, am I remembering this right?
Also, I remember when I had the chicken pox I would ask Chelsee to get me medicine when I was itching, and of course the medicine was none other than those cherry cough drops that tasted like candy.
Now I think the medicine I like the most is mom and mom's bed. Even still when I'm sick, I want to call and tell mom about it, mostly because just her KNOWING makes it a little bit easier. And there's still something really healing about mom's bed- It really does make you feel better.
I remember when I was little we came home from somewhere and I had a terrible sunburn. I can still remember how badly I was burned on my shoulders and back. We had gotten home at around 2 or 3 in the morning, and one of the first things mom did was go to the store and buy aloe vera to help me feel better. Even then I was really touched that she would do that to help me when we were all so tired.
I think that might be why it helps just to tell mom when I'm not feeling well, because I know that if there was ANYTHING she could do to make me feel better, she would do it.
I hope I can be a mom like that to my sweet Kami.

For Chelsee and Allison

Is it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Maybe just for me, because these pictures were taken at 9:30 this morning again. My baby is a champion sleeper.

Allie, I'm sorry this picture is blurry, but I thought you had to see the coat in all it's majesty. It's a little bit dangerous, though. We had Kameryn in it yesterday while we ran errands, and she was perfectly content despite the snow on the ground. But then we brought her home and didn't take it off her right away, and she started to get fussy. When I finally did take it off her, the back of her head was covered in sweat. The Scotty Dog coat means business, dude. You don't wanna mess with it.

Disaster Avoided

So, today would've been the day we would've heard from American Baby if Kameryn had gotten chosen for the top 5 babies in the nation. Thankfully, they didn't call. I know, I acted like I thought it was such a great idea, but really, let's be honest with ourselves here. With a baby as cute as mine, all I need is for pictures of her to get leaked into the press. Then I'd have reporters here trying to interview us to find out how we made the perfect baby, and there would be photographers hiding in the bushes just trying to get a good shot of her, people asking to touch her and people always recognising us everywhere we go, "Oh look, there's Kameryn! Can she drool on something of mine? PLEASE?!" Who wants all that pressure? Of course she's a beautiful baby but she still deserves a normal childhood, people.
I'm also happy to report that Kameryn cried for about a total of 45 seconds when I put her in her crib tonight. She's been sleeping so well lately that I rush in there in the middle of the night to make sure she's okay! Last night she slept from 11:30 until WE woke HER up at 9:30. She's a pro. I'm so proud of you, baby!

Things I'm Thankful For:

This afternoon I had to write the date on a paper the doctor handed me, and I honestly couldn't believe it when I saw that it's the 13th of November. Time goes by so fast I can't believe it. I kinda feel like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption after he gets out of prison and he says, "The whole world went and got itself in a damn hurry." That's probably not the actual quote. But that is how I feel.
Since it's November I thought I might just pepper my little blog with things I'm thankful for. My first one tonight is something I referenced in another blog awhile ago, but since then I got a picture which, to me, is pretty priceless.

This is Kameryn with her great grandpa Ertmann.

We had gone over to his house for dinner, and he said the blessing on the food. In it, he said that Kameryn "was a beautiful little girl" and asked that she grow up healthy and strong and that she have a good life.

I don't have adequate words to describe the feeling I got listening to him talk about her. Even though what he was saying was simple, it was beautiful. I'm thankful they got to meet each other. He's a great man.

Doctor's Office Sayings That Have To Go:

1. When I take your temprature, please don't ask: "Did you see the light on the wall?" Meaning that the light from the thermometer went through your head and since you don't have a brain, I could see the light on the wall next to us. Here is a fact: There isn't a light on the end of my thermometer. Here's a tip: Only REALLY cute OLD men can pull this one off. And even then, it's not funny.

2. When I weigh you, please don't say, "And then you have to take off 30 pounds for clothes." Some people who say it are joking, and then it's alright, but when you start listing everything your wearing that will make you weigh more, I wish I could mute you.

3. People who get mad because I've blown up the air pressure cuff too tight. Well, that's kinda the name of the game, isn't it? I hate to tell you, but if I need your blood I have to poke you, if I'm checking for strep I have to swab your throat, which will gag you, and I can't GENTLY take your blood pressure. Believe me, if anyone wishes I could be more gentle, it's me.

4. Please don't say ANYTHING when I put my stethoscope in my ears. Here's the trick: They PLUG my ears so I can hear your heartbeat. So I can see your mouth moving, and most the time that's it. The exception to this rule is the people who are still listing all the things I need to subtract from their weight. You guys can talk the whole time.

5. Other people in the room (or other MAs) who tell me I can be "Extra mean to you." I once even had a girl telling me where her boyfriend was tickleish while I was doing an EKG on him. I don't know that I can properly explain how awkward that made things for him and me, so I'll move on.

6. This next one isn't a saying, but it's worth ending on. PLEASE DO NOT FLEX WHEN I'M PUTTING ON THE BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF. I know you're trying to be sexy and manly, and to each his own. The problem is it is so hard to keep myself from laughing. Please don't do it. Trust me on this one.

Her Gift To Me

One of the things I know about myself and I'm trying to work on is the fact that I want everyone to like me. At least, I don't like to be offensive to anybody. At times growing up it almost seems like I spent my days trying to fade into the background because I was so uncomfortable being in any kind of spotlight.
At one point I really got over my fear, though, and it's a time I remember really fondly except for one aspect of it; I wasn't afraid to be myself or offend people because I was so mad and hurt by my circumstances that I lashed out at everything. I was constantly writing poetry, which makes it sound like it should be beautiful, but it was angry. It was the one outlet I could find for everything that was going on inside me. As such, going back and reading what I wrote during that time leaves me feeling a little embarassed or really angry and upset.
An example:

If it's the truth that sets you free

Than lies put you in chains

We try to open, but eyes stay closed

They've brainwashed all our brains.

It sounds morbid cuz in truth, IT IS

A cold Christ rules them all

They say they listen, they say they love

But one by one they fall.

It's more than death, it's more than life

It's more than choice and sin.

It's opening a pit called "God"

And watching them fall in.

I've been a lot happier since then, which is good, but the trade off was that I started to hide again, to clean up whatever it is that I feel so it looked neat to anyone looking in. When I feel something strongly I have these voices in my head that tell me "I don't have all the facts" or "I would feel differently if I knew more." Worst of all, I feel like I need someone to validate what I feel before I can say it as my own.

I think this is why I like writing about Kameryn so much. What I feel for her is so strong and so unwavering that I feel confident writing it down so anyone who wants to can read it. I don't feel like it needs to be validated, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. The love I have for her makes me stronger. I want to be a better person for her.

And slowly, I feel like I'm able to take that commitment to myself and use it in other places, especially at work where I feel intimidated by the things I don't know. My love for her is my motivation to show up and commit to whatever it is that needs to get done. At the end of the day I'm learning that it feels better to put myself out there in a confident way and be wrong than to disrespect myself by not saying anything at all.

That has been one of the many gifts that she has given me just by being herself.

Cinematic Genius

It's interesting because there are some movies that I watch once, and every once in awhile will think about but aren't of any consequence at all. And then there are movies that I can't get out of my DVD player, after I watch them I watch the special features, I watch the movie again with the commentary on, I watch the making of the movie, and for awhile I'm completely consumed with them. Another thing to talk to my shrink about? Probably. But here's the list. Maybe if you add it up just right it will tell you all my secrets. Because honestly, this is the list of movies that I would defend if picked on, almost like protecting a sibling.

The List Of Movies I Am Now or Have Formally Been Obsessed With:
The first one I can remeber is Dirty Dancing.

More Recently:
Good Will Hunting
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Chicago
Lost in Translation
Garden State
Down With Love
Finding Neverland
Fever Pitch
The Notebook
V for Vendetta

And to put a capital I on the insanity:

Saw.

Night #3

I'm happy to report that last night went well. After Kameryn got to sleep she stayed in her crib and barely cried for the rest of the night, and she slept until 8 this morning.

So we're to night three of operation "Kameryn Sleeps By Herself In Her Own Crib All Night Long." And honestly, tonight I started to wonder where I got the resolve to make it through Night 1. Tonight after I had to listen to her cry for 5 minutes I was in there holding her. I didn't talk to her at all, I just held her close and rocked her. I have her listen to Baby Einstein and we have Beethoven, and while I was in there the 5th Symphony came on. Every time it did the classic "bum bum bum BUM" she would lift her head up off my shoulder and look at me like, "Was that you?"

I think one thing (and sometimes the only thing) that keeps me going with this is that I can tell Kameryn has this stubborn independant streak in her that assures me she can do this. Sometimes when she was sleeping in bed with me she would wake up and cry, so I'd take her out on the couch and lay her down thinking I needed to feed her or change her, and as soon as she was lying down by herself she would be fast asleep. So I'd bring her back into bed, and she'd start crying again. Sometimes she wants to be by herself. When I hear her crying and I hear her start to settle down I can sense that she's got that in her, and slowly she's learning to enjoy being on her own, and it makes it worth it.

That's something I want for her. I want her to be independant and self-reliant and stubborn. I want her to be content with her own thoughts and feelings and comfortable with herself. I want her to know that I love her even when I'm not right next to her, and even if she's alone for a bit I want her to trust that I'll come back. I want her to be happy. And I want her to learn to be happy even when no one else is around.

Will she learn all that from sleeping in a crib instead of in bed with me? I don't know. But I want it bad enough for her that I'm willing to try.

A List of Thoughts

I've been thinking about what I should write about tonight and I can't seem to narrow it down to one thing. So I'm going to try to narrow it down to a couple short thoughts, and we'll see how that goes.

The first thing I should tell you is that (and I feel like I should be walking into a Confessional Booth at this point, even though I'm not Catholic) I didn't vote yesterday. It's actually something I'm really ashamed of. I strongly believe in voting. Even as a "Democratic Liberal" in a Republican state. I put that last title in quotation marks because I don't know for sure that it's a title that necessarily applies to me, but a friend told me that's what I was. And he said it like he had to spit out the words. And it was mostly because I didn't think someone should be tied to a fence and beaten to death just because they're gay. But, moving on...
So I didn't vote, and I'm ashamed of myself for forgetting.
But getting the news this morning about the Democrats taking over the Senate and the House, and hearing that the Speaker of the House is a woman, I almost hate to admit it, but it was the first time in about 5 years that I've actually been proud of my country. And then to hear that Rumsfield resigned was like icing on the cake for me. I was late for work because I couldn't break myself away from the newscast I was watching. It seems too good to be true.
It's time for change. A LOT of change. Hopefully, that's what we'll get.

So those are my feelings on national news. On a smaller scale, as in my home, I'm happy to report that Kameryn SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT IN HER CRIB last night. It took her about an hour and a half of crying and screaming before she fell asleep, but then once she did it was almost like she understood. She woke up at her usual times, which are 2 and 5 in the morning. I could hear her whine for a bit, but then she went back to sleep. Even when I got up with her at 7 thinking she was probably really hungry, I made her a bottle and she didn't want it, so I laid her in the crib again and she slept until 9:30.
The honest truth of it is that I am SO PROUD of her. I can't believe how big she's getting. And in that light, it makes me a little sad, too, just because I think I'll miss waking up with her and having her look over and smile at me with those big blue eyes.
Tonight she's already in there sleeping. She cried a bit, but nothing compared to last night, and I'm sure by next week she'll be a pro. She's such a fast learner, I can't see it going any other way.

I am constantly astounded by her. She already knows how to give a high five and she's started to learn to make clapping motions when she's happy. And nights like tonight when I get home from work she kisses me, 4 or 5 times. It's funny because I can remember my life without her, but I wonder what I thought the point was. And now that she's here I almost find it funny that I carried her for 9 months and would catch glimpses of her personality, but overall I was unaware of the sweet, charismatic girl I was taking care of. Every mom must feel this way, but I really think she's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm also really touched by how much she loves Isaac. She was kinda grumpy tonight, but anytime Danae showed Isaac to her she got a huge smile on her face and wanted to touch and kiss him. I'm so thrilled with the relationships she's going to have in her life; a family close by who will watch her grow up and love her so much. And I love to see her with Mom, wanting to go to her when she's tired and falling right asleep on her shoulder. Experiences like that are priceless to me.

A Long Night Ahead

So I think that part of my goal of blogging every day has to be altered a little bit...I promise to blog between when I wake up and when I go to sleep, so it will be a day for me, but the actual dates may show two on one day because some of them will be after midnight. Like tonight.
We took Kameryn for her 6 month check up today. She's 16 pounds 15.5 oz, and 27 inches long. She's healthy and right on track for where she should be. The only thing he recommended was that we start having her sleep by herself, in her own crib, all night long. He says to lay her down an go in every few minutes to comfort her, but the main goal is to let her figure out that she can comfort herself and she doesn't need me to be able to sleep.
So I started it tonight. I've heard it usually takes about three nights before the baby understands, sometimes more and hardly ever less. We've been doing it for about 40 minutes now and my poor baby is just so tired, every time I go in there to comfort her she starts rubbing her eyes and can barely keep herself awake, but when I leave she starts crying and screaming. I wish there was an easier way to do this, for both of us, because the fact that she's crying because she just wants me to pick her up kills me. I keep trying to think of the benefit, that she'll be so much easier to put to bed at night and it will be better for her AND us, but right now I really don't know if my resolve will last all night.
I just keep going in there and telling her that she's a big girl and we can do this, that this is easy. I'm trying to encourage her the best I can, but really I think I'm doing it for myself, standing over her saying the things that I need to hear to keep from picking her up.
One thing I did learn tonight is that she's completely comforted by me reading to her. She would stop crying and even look at the pictures of the book I read her tonight. It's one that Abby gave me after she was born and it's really simple. I think as this goes on I need to buy longer, Dr. Seuss type books. And yes, on Jay's nights I'm sure he'll read her Harry Potter chapters. Not bad for a six month old, she'll know how to Hop on Pop AND all about muggles and Hogwarts and Dumbledore.

I don't want to jinx it, but there's silence, only the sound of baby Einstein playing in her room. That only took about an hour. I know this is just phase one...
And I did jinx it, because now she's crying again.
Kameryn, when you read this later, I'm so proud of you. I love you more than I could say, I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it would help us both. You're so beautiful and easy to love and I would die for you without a second thought. I'm sorry that I'm making you miss me. I promise I'm still right here.

I Get It...

Originally I wanted to participate with the goal this month to update my blog every day. I had been doing well, but then on Saturday I updated my blog and when I did it erased the blog I wrote on Friday. I know it was there, I checked it at mom's house to see if anyone had commented, and no one had. Now it's no where to be found. No lie. My entire blog entry is gone. It was called "Never Ending Sappiness" and it was about how much I love Kameryn. Did anyone read it who can back me up?
Regardless, last night I got on and started on a blog with about ten minutes to go before midnight, and I thought I could at least post a little story from the night before, but Kameryn started crying in the "This cannot be overlooked or ignored" tone, also known as the teething tone, and she didn't stop until 3 in the morning.
So, it's November 6th and I've already failed, but the thing about it is that I'm seeing it as a challange instead of a failure. I'm the kind of person who likes things to be perfect. I buy blank books and write in them for a bit, then stop half way through because I'm afraid I'll ruin them. I once read that you have to do something 21 consecutive days in a row to make it a habit, and I always seem to get to day 6 or 7 before I forget for a day and then I don't bother after that since I've messed up.
But not with this. I'm going to try and finish out the month.
However, all the clever anecdotes are going to have to wait for another day, because Jay and Kameryn are asleep on the couch. It's 9:30. And I'm not totally stupid; I'm going to bed. So be ready for a month full of Kameryn-related, MA adventure-style blogging. Starting tomorrow.

The Miracle of Medicine

When I think about it, sometimes the work of a doctor strikes me as odd. We go to the doctor to tell us if we're well, to help us if we're not, and ultimately a doctor has this power because they know more about our bodies than we do. They've dedicated their lives to learning the bodies systems and how they can break down, the ins and outs of illnesses. It almost seems like they have so much information that it's a necessary evil- They know everything, and as such know all the ways things can go wrong.
I love being around knowledge like this, and I completely respect it more than I can say.
And to our sweet baby Isaac, I'm glad you're alright. You have a Mom and Dad who love you, and are supported by an entire family that loves you. We're all excited to see you grow up strong.

A Sunday Walk

I know, the thought that I'm actually blogging twice in two days has a lot of us wondering what's going on. I'll tell you. Jay's sucked in to Thursday night television and has been for almost TWO hours, AND he's holding the SLEEPING baby, so I've had some time to myself. It almost baffles the mind. What should I do with time not dedicated to keeping Kameryn from rolling off the couch?
POST MORE PICTURES ON THE BLOG, OF COURSE!
I realize that almost all of my pictures are Chelsee repeats, and worse than that, hers are better than mine. But I will not be deterred.
These pictures were taken last week when most of the family got together to go on a walk on a sunny fall afternoon. It was so nice. And for me, that says a lot, because the colder it gets, the more irritable I become.

This is my awesome action shot!

Stopping everything to cuddle- sedcutively- in the street- ON SUNDAY!

Jay demonstrating my never-ending love for those who pose next to trees...
Cute Mom and Danae...Next to a Tree...

And as you can tell, the babies were both totally enthralled.

October

I remember the beginning of October fairly well. Then Danae had Isaac on the 8th, and some other family issues happened around that time, and Jay worked two weeks straight through with only Sundays off, and at that point it all becomes a blur. And now it's November. Not that it was all bad, but it just seems to go by so quickly.

So, first in line for my October recap is the arrival of our friend Isaac. The funniest part of when Isaac was born, to me, is that the night before Jay and Danae and Gary and I all went to dinner, and I totally predicted it. I said, "Hey Danae, this might be your last night out before the baby is born, so enjoy it!" And then we went to her house to play cards afterward, and I don't think I'll ever forget one of her contractions. She was picking up her hand and organizing her cards, and then all the sudden the contraction hit and she grabbed onto the chair for dear life. All of us, including her, were laughing afterward. That next morning when they called me a little after 4am I can't really say I was too surprised. But I was excited. It was like Christmas morning.

The whole experience in the hospital with Danae is something I won't ever forget. I was honored to get to be there and help as much as I could. And now I have the cutest nephew ever. And I wonder if it's normal, I feel like he's mine a little bit. Kinda like I feel like Kameryn is Danae's a little bit. If it's not normal, we can add it to the list of things I should talk to a shrink about.

Kameryn turned six months old this month on the 29th. Sometime in the month we started feeding Kameryn baby food, starting with carrots and sweet potatoes. She likes the carrots, but she's not too sure about the sweet potatoes. And she doesn't love the squash. But she's getting so good at it, and I can't believe how fast she's growing up.

Also during the month she's mastered sitting up by herself.

We were sitting up on the couch one night and it just seemed to click, and she's been doing it ever since, even sitting up the whole time I fed her one night while Jay was sleeping. I worry a little bit about her being such a fast learner because I'm afraid soon I'll run out of things to teach her! I know that probably sounds crazy, but it's true! In addition to sitting up she also has pretty much mastered reaching out and grabbing things that are in front of her, she gets upset when you take something away that she's been playing with, and she's teething. The sooner those teeth come through, the happier the entire Ertmann household will be. And I'd like to find the person who invented Children's Tylenol and shake their hand, because some nights would be sleepless without it!

Probably my favorite development of Kameryn's is that she's learned to give kisses. Big, wet, drool covered kisses. I love to get them, it melts my heart, but I also love to see who else she kisses. One I don't think I'll forget is when she kissed her cousin Isaac. Danae took Isaac to get his picture taken recently, and she invited Kameryn and me to come along. Angela, the photographer, put Kami and Isaac in a bean bag together with Kameryn's arm around him. She was so excited to be close to the baby, she just kept kissing him. Sometimes the kisses involved her licking the side of his face a bit, but still. Kameryn loves her cousin.

Haloween was a lot of fun. I got off work and tried to get home as quickly as I could, so of course I got caught in a ton of traffic. I could barely contain how excited I was. When I walked through the front door, though, it quickly became apparent I was the one who was looking forward to the night the most:

(I know I post a bunch of pictures of Kameryn and Jay sleeping, and it's because I love it. It's something that I'll never get tired of.)

It took some coaxing, but I got the family up and out the door. We only had two places to go; my mom's house and Jay's parents, but I was still so excited because Kameryn really knew how to rock the costume we got for her. It made her really happy, and when Kameryn is happy, it's contagious.

Plus, we met up with Danae, Gary and Isaac at my mom's. And yeah, this isn't the costume Isaac was wearing, but my computer won't upload the other one. For full Haloween details, please see Chelsee's blog! What a great slideshow!

A Close Call

Today we had a patient come in who is employed as a funeral director. He told my Dr. the following story, which is true:

A man's wife died, and she had weighed over 600 pounds at the time of her death. The man was sad about his wife, but was sad about something else as well; he couldn't find the remote control to the TV anywhere. So when the funeral home came to take the body, he kindly asked that if they find the remote anywhere, they please return it.

Well, there's a happy ending to this tragic story: While preparing the body, the funeral home found the remote in between one of the woman's fat rolls, which they then returned.

A+

While flipping through the channels tonight I stopped on Channel 7, as they usually have some pretty interesting topics and I need something interesting to get me through until Kameryn FINALLY falls asleep. Tonight they were talking about teen suicide, which is obviously a pretty dark topic. Well, outside the place where doctors are discussing it, there's a protest going on. I think some people have a need to protest things in their blood, that's the only thing I can come up with for this one. And a woman is proudly holding up a sign that says, "SUICIDE IS SELF MURDER."
Thanks for helping me with that one, buddy. You don't want to mess with this woman's fire. You'll get burned.

Casting Call

We went this morning for Kameryn to have her picture taken for the American Baby contest. It wasn't at all what I expected, except there were REALLY cute kids everywhere you looked. We got there, filled out a paper and only had to wait about 10 minutes. When we were calle we handed them the paper we had filled out with Kameryn's information on it, and they snapped a Polaroid. Just like that. I think she was smiling at one of the other ladies that was taking pictures when they took the picture of her, but I don't know because you're pretty much dismissed after they press the button...we didn't even get to see what the picture looked like. I have to say, it will be such a huge compliment to be chosen, and I think the fun will be that we entered her. There were so many kids, and older ones than Kameryn with wild hair and other amazing features. If we don't get chosen, no hard feelings. It was just fun to do.
This is the dress we chose for her to wear. But of course, Kameryn had to taste it to tell if it was any good, so a lot of times it looked like this:
Crazy baby.

Dispelling Any Doubts

Tonight I was driving home from Danae's house, and at about Centerville, Kameryn started to cry. I had been listening to a CD Jay had made for me, and just to see what would happen I flipped to track number 8. Cookie Monster started in with, "Now what starts with the letter C? Cookie starts with C!" In the backseat, silence. I kept replaying it until we got home, figuring Kameryn had fallen asleep, but as soon as I pulled into our parking spot and turned the car off, she started crying again. My daughter likes Sesame Street. I don't think I've ever been more proud.

Rockstar

We saw this outfit while we were out shopping for our anniversary. We couldn't help ourselves.

Two Year Anniversary

I never saw my life turning out the way it is now. I think when I imagined life for myself, I imagined myself living alone in New York or as a Blanchard safely tucked away by now. Even two years ago when we got married on that PERFECT September day, I didn't know that two years later I would be an MA and we'd have a 4 and a half month old daughter. But I like how my life is progressing. Given the chance to change anything, I don't think I would. I love my life unfolding, and I love it being with my best friend. You can always make me laugh, I love being with you and really appreciate when I can be with you for long periods of time during the day. I also appreciate when I come home and you have to go straight to bed, because I know you put your energy into watching our daughter, and that means a lot to me.
I love you with Kameryn. I love how she reacts to you, always smiling when she hears or sees you and how she's so content just to sit and be with you. I knew when I married you that you would be a good dad, but you're better than I imagined. I love how much you love her. It touches me to see you guys together. I think you will have a long and awesome relationship that her friends will admire. And her boyfriends will hate. :)
I love you, Jay. I'm glad we're together. Thank you for always supporting me.

American Baby

The "American Baby" magazine is having a contest where babies from all over the country are photographed. The magazine will choose 5 and the babies and their parents will be flown to New York so the babies can be photographed for the magazine. I saw it and thought about it briefly, kinda dismissing it, but then Danae called because she had seen the article and thought I should do it. So we're going to try. We take Kameryn to the Midvale Toys R Us on Fri. Sept 22. I think she's beautiful, but I also think she's fun to be around, and I hope it will work out and they'll see her looks and her charm. We don't have our hopes set on it, only 5 Utah would be hard enough, let alone 5 from the whole NATION, but every parent thinks their baby is the best. We'd like to go to the Met because ours really is! :)

(I know this picture is blurry but it reminds me so much of one of Chelsee's baby pictures that I love it!)

Kameryn is at this really interesting period of discovering herself and she's starting to learn how to move her body intentionally. Her personality is starting to really show. Sometimes that fact is a little bit difficult because she'll fuss just because she wants to be held by someone walking around instead of someone sitting down, and it's not as easy to appease her when she really wants something. However, I love it, too, because she laughs A LOT. She smiles when she recognises people and she is so content to watch her hands or play with her feet.

Now that she's getting a bit older, I'm getting less paranoid about her. A little bit. I'm still over the top, but just not quite as bad as before. I've been slowly trying to get her to sleep in her crib more and more often, and she seems to allow it from bedtime till about 2 in the morning. At that point all she wants is to be with me, and I come get her and bring her to bed with me. I know that I should make her sleep in her crib the entire night, that my getting her out of bed when she cries is just re-inforcing that behavior, but the truth is, I'm just as bad as she is. Maybe worse. I like her with me. But we're still trying to do the crib thing. We just do it a little at a time.

Thankfully, as she gets older other people are getting more comfortable with her, too. Namely Steve who agreed to hold her not too long ago when they came up. Kameryn was really good for him, and now just watches him anytime they're in a room together, smiling at him when he looks at her. It's like she had been waiting for it as long as we had!
I've said it before, Kameryn is a total daddy's girl. Sometimes, despite his hair...
But I love it because she's also a mommy's girl. The smiles I get when I come home from work make it so fun to come home. And I love being with her because it makes me feel like a kid again, too. It's fun to delight in her little accomplishments and watch her become more and more aware of the world around her. Except that pretty soon she'll be crawling...and then it's a whole new game. Thankfully, it's been getting better and better the older she gets.

The Baby in the Water

Grandma Hanna giving Kameryn her first bath at 2 or 3 days old...

Much better experience swimming with daddy at about 3 months.

We wouldn't have guessed it at first, but we have a WATER BABY!!! This is her looking elegant in her hooded towels after a recent bath. She thinks she's half baby, half fish.

Ashamed

So, the Presdient came to visit the Great State of Utah. Jay and I were just watching the evening news, like we often do, and saw Air Force One arrive and we saw him get out. We even watched his little speech. We both hate him so much that I'm actually surprised that we watched it for as long as we did. I think it was half like watching a car accident; you can't make yourself look away even if you try. The other half was just waiting intently to see how others would react.
Well, they were reacting by holding signs of support and screaming out that they loved him. I was so disgusted that afterward while I was doing the dishes I couldn't stop fuming.
I think as far as States go, Utah is the Republican Whore State. A Republican comes in, tells us how great we are, and we're easy as they come. We don't demand to know why he lied about this or that, or why he just let Katrina happen even though he had been warned to fix things beforehand. We just say, "Alright Mr. President, you think we're great Americans" and we lift our skirt.
Personally, I think we have all had to take it up the ass from George Jr. ever since he got elected. The only Olive Garden I see in our future is when we remember W the way we remember Nixon; as a liar.

I recently finished a book by Jonathan Safran Foer called Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud. Or Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close. As you can see, I have a problem matching adjective to verb. Or adverb to verb? Let's move on with the blog. And yes, I do know that my mom read that first part and cringed while reminding herself that I am my father's daughter.
I've read two of Mr. Foer's books, the other one being Everything Is Illuminated. Now I can say with a comfortable amount of confidence that these books aren't feel good books, and they don't have a happy ending, or even explain themselves for that matter. They're like a little slice of life, unapoligetic and not neat, clean or rounded off at the end to make the reader feel better. The message you get in the end is what you choose to derive from the context, and I wouldn't be suprised if everyone who reads his book comes out with something a little bit different.
The Loud and Close book is about a boy who's father died in the Twin Towers. I'll interrupt this to say that it proves how much I love this author to read a book with this plotline, not only because it's hard to read but also because I don't feel like this incident should be commercialized now or ever. No more movies or books. In my opinion, that isn't a day we celebrate and look back on over and over.
So Oskar's dad dies in the Twin Towers, which obviously Oskar struggles with. One day he accidently breaks a vase and finds a key inside, and he devotes his extra time to finding out who the key belongs to. He sees it as a way of finishing his dad's unfinished business and keeping him close at the same time.
The main message I took away from the book was simply that it's important to let people know how you feel about them, because sometimes only the lucky get second chances.
At the risk of getting cheesy, I want to tell you all how much I really love and care about you. I look forward to time with my family more than anything else. I personally think we're a great group of people who love to have fun and intelligent conversations.
I love my friends enough that I don't really have a strict line between my close friends and my family. If I had one wish for my baby it would be that she finds friends like I had growing up. We went through struggles but were and are constantly there to support each other and help each other out.
Thank you all for your love and support. Thank you for being in my life. It wouldn't be worth it without you.

And He Calls ME Crazy!

The other night Jay got startled out of his sleep, and automatically stood up out of bed and said, "Hairy Tree Gnome."

"What?"

"Hairy Tree Gnome."

"Why are you saying that?"

"I don't know. It's just the first thing that popped into my head."

And The Baby Rolls....

I know it isn't a huge shock, but this is another blog about Kameryn. :)

My baby is getting SO BIG SO FAST! And since I last blogged she has had her first laugh, brought about by her Uncle Gary, gone swimming for the first time, which she loved, and she rolled over! Jay and I put her on her belly and were encouraging her to do it, not really thinking she would. She kept kind-of getting up the momentum, but then she'd stop. So Jay said, "This is how you do it, baby" and walked her through it. "You put your arm up here, push off with your legs..." And then after he put her back on her belly, she did exactly what he told her to. We were both shocked and so excited, patting her and praising her, and she just kinda sat there, wondering what all the excitement was about.

Then, I brought her up to show Mom and she did it three times in a row. But when I tried to show Danae, NOTHING. I told my mom that she's starting to get a bit of an attitude, and she just said sarcastically, "I wonder where she gets that from." :)

I'm getting to the point where I just want to tell everyone to have babies. I think she's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

Dreams

The other night I had a dream about my Grandma Turner. In my dream my grandma was dying, and my family was all in the room with her, not too much unlike reality not too long ago. We knew she was dying, and she was talking, but every time she talked to my mom she called her by the wrong name, usually her sister's names. But in my dream, it didn't frustrate my mom at all. She would just gently correct my grandma.
I know the dream doesn't really sound like much, but I woke up completely awed, because the dream was saturated with the feeling of my mom's unconditional love and acceptance for her mom and for all of us. And it seemed bigger then just those two women, it was more about relationships everywhere and how beautiful they can be.

Jay and I have been lucky because his grandpa lived long enough to meet Kameryn. That's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget because she just stared at him for awhile as he held her, and then she started to cry and he started to sing to her. A song he sang with his wife before she died a few months before.
I wish she had a chance to meet my Grandma Turner. We weren't that lucky. I'll have to tell Kameryn everything I know about her, because she missed meeting a sweet, thoughtful, wonderful woman.
But in some ways I feel like she must already know her, since they're a part of each other. You can see it in her hands. She got my grandma's hands.

My Curse

Tonight I find myself in a situation I hate; my baby is sleeping and try as I might, I can't fall asleep with her. This happens about once a week, and it's the most nerve-wracking thing because every time Kameryn falls asleep it's like a timer counting down until she wakes up again and I never know how long the timer is set for. So I catch myself thinking, "I have to get to sleep, I may only have an hour left, or 15 minutes left, or maybe she'll sleep through the night..." And because I'm unsure and trying to force myself to sleep, I can't. And, if tonight is anything like last night, her timer will go off about 20 minutes after I fall asleep. That's always a fun scenerio.

New evidence that I'm a new, nervous, overprotective mother is always emerging. I started to feel sick earlier this week and Kameryn came down with a runny nose on Monday. I hadn't ever used one of the baby-nose-suction-outty things before, and I found that I pretty much hate it. While Kameryn was crying I thought to myself, "Hey, it's okay. No baby has ever died of a runny nose before....but since her doctor's appointment is tomorrow, maybe I should ask him, JUST to double check."

What It's About

My baby is almost two months old! It's so hard to believe, time FLIES by lately. It's been fun, though, because she learns something new every day it seems. We've mastered drinking from a bottle and she's getting a lot better at holding her head up and being able to lift it up and move it from one side to another when she's on her stomach. Every little advancement makes me so proud of her. My favorite development has been since she's started to smile. Sometimes when I walk in the door right after work I get a huge, toothless smile. Sometimes when I'm out of the room for a minute and then walk back in she'll break into another smile. I'm a total sucker for it. I think it's got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen and such a huge compliment. My baby saying, "Hey, I recognise you! Welcome back!"
Sometimes Kameryn will be fussing or crying and she'll stop when I pick her up. Then we can walk around, and she seems to cuddle up to me. It's one of the times I actually realize that I'm her mom. It sounds crazy, I know, but there's so much going on from day to day that it really is still shocking when I take a step back and think, "This is my baby and I'm her mom." It's fun because I can already tell how much she loves me, and it makes me realize how much I love MY mom.
I'm so lucky because Jay is so great with her, and she loves him so much. They often fall asleep together and I must drive them crazy by taking pictures of them all the time. He'll walk through the door in the morning after he's gotten off work and when she sees or hears him her eyes get so wide and she smiles and wiggles, she's so excited that he's back.
I love the place I'm at right now with my husband and our baby. My own little family.

Sweet Babies!

This is Georgia Noel Bills, Katie Isom Bills sweet daughter. She was born on June 10 at about 2:30 in the morning. Katie said her labor went relatively well up until the end when her epidural wore off. Georgia was 7 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches. Katie and Josh are so cute with her, both really sweet attentive parents. I wish I could spend some more time with them so we can share crazy baby stories, but we'll have to do it over the internet; Josh leaves this week for Arizonia and then Katie follows next Wednesday. Georgia's a lucky little beautiful girl, and of course Katie looks like nothing even happened to her, as sweet and beautiful as ever.

The In-law Problem

I have a small problem that I would like to consult my family about. The whole thing could be very sensitive to some people and so I will describe my problem as carefully as I can to avoid any hurt feelings. The problem is with my daughter, my mother-in-law, and my overprotection. Family-wise, I trust any of you to hold or watch my daughter. I don't even think twice about handing her off to someone who would like to hold her. At my in-law's house, it's a bit of a different story. And part of my frustration with myself is that I don't have any problem with Jay's dad holding Kameryn. I think he's so sweet to her and I know he really loves her and she holds a special place with him. My mother in law loves her too and wants to hold her. And when she does, I pretty much hold my breath until I get her back. I think all of you know the problems that Jay's mom has, and in addition to her mental problems she also takes medication that makes her shake really badly. And logically, I KNOW that mental illness is exactly that, an ILLNESS. I know she can't control it anymore than she can control the shaking as a side effect of the medication she takes. So that part of my fear I know is a little bit founded on some fact and I know I shouldn't hold any of it against her.
My biggest concern is the grudge I seem to hold against her. She called today wondering what plans she should make for Monday since I'm going back to work and said she's "looking forward to watching the baby." To this I admit thinking something like, "Um, no, NEVER." When we go over there sometimes I find myself thinking things such as, "This baby is in no way a part of her, she has no claim on Kameryn at all." And biologically it's true, but I should know better than to think things like that! She raised Jay and saved him from what could've otherwise been a really awful life for him. Yet I see the pain that she causes people, albeit out of her control, and I want to save Kameryn from that.
Does anyone have any suggestions on this? I know it's something I need to deal with as Mary Jane will be in Kameryn's life for as long as she lives. Plus, it's a constant problem since we live so close. Can anyone help me reframe this so I can get over it? I try to think that it's one more person in Kameryn's life that loves her and I should be grateful for that, but even that thought doesn't help.

The Slow Runner

So yesterday I heard the saying "A man running a race who finds he is in last place has two choices. He can either quit, or he can run faster." I know it's kinda lame but I really liked it. I think it's something I'm gonna have to keep in mind on Monday when I go back to work. I said during my pregnancy that I didn't want having a baby to keep me from the job I had gone to school for, but I still find myself HATING the thought of going back just because when Kameryn's not around I miss her. So I guess I have to be like the guy in the race and make the best of my situation and think of it in the best way I can. At least I'm willing to sacrifice to provide for my daughter, and maybe I can stay home with her when she's a little bit older and I have my next baby. Though, to be perfectly honest, the thought of getting pregnant again right now is even a little bit more horrible than the thought of going back to work. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!!

Jay's birthday is Monday, June 5th, and I'm writing this blog early because my life right now is pretty much determined by when my daughter sleeps and I have a minute tonight that I don't dare pass up. My husband is turning 23, and at the risk of sounding completely sappy I just want to tell him that I love him so much. We always have a lot of fun together and he's always looking out for me and helping me stay sane. Plus, I think we make perfect kids, but that's just my opinion. :) I love you, Crazy, happy birthday. I'm glad you stick around even though Paul doesn't approve. I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Memorial Day

One thing I'm really grateful for is the fact that my dad instilled in me a love and appreciation for people who are willing to put everything on the line for this country. I've been to Arlington Cemetery, I've seen the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soilder, and I've spent entire days with my dad in different cemeteries looking for Medal of Honor winners so that we can listen to their story after we find them. It amazes me how brave some people can be, and I'm touched by the selflessness of the people who are willing to do anything for what they believe in.
On Memorial Day this year I found myself thinking about two people specifically. The first was Allison's friend Heidi. She was in Iraq for over a year and missed important parts of her baby girl's life because of it. Being in the same situation now, I can imagine a bit better how hard it must've been for her to be so far away from her baby. I imagine it was hard to get through the day and she must've been counting the days until she could come home.
Secondly I think of Chris Kilpack. I think he's amazing because he joined the Army AFTER the war started. He knew what he was getting himself into and still wanted to go to defend the country and do what he believed in. I admire him, but I also admire the rest of the Kilpack family for supporting him. I've seen how much they've gone through, I can only imagine how hard it must be to worry about him.
I'm one of the people who doesn't support this war. I don't support the President who sent these people off to war and is leaving it up to a different President to bring them home. But I do support the troops.
The point of my post is that I know better than to think you have to give your life to sacrifice for this war. These people sacrifice their time, their safety, memories with their families that they'll never get back. I don't envy them, but I do admire them and their families. I hope this war ends soon, and I hope our soilders can come home safely.

I know I've arrived because....

They say some of the less glamorous parts of being a mom is when you get peed, pooped and puked on. Kameryn peed on me a couple weeks ago, and that one wasn't so bad. This morning, though, she managed to poo ALL OVER ME. I won't go into too much detail, but I have to say if there were a contest for projectile pooping or one for completely saturating your victim, I would enter her. And instead of getting mad, I was like, "Aww Kameryn!" But then I caught myself saying, "But good job! You didn't get ANY on the couch!"

The First Pancake

The first time I heard the theory of "the first pancake" was in the movie Pieces of April. Katie Holmes, April in the movie, is explaining the awful relationship she has with her mother, and says simply, "I'm the first pancake." The woman she's talking to doesn't seem to understand, and the woman's husband explains, "She's the one you should be able to throw out." It's pretty mortifying to think that people could feel this way about their children. It was even more mortifying when I had someone actually say it to me about MY daughter. I won't say who it was since the person is "sick of offending people when she doesn't mean to" and probably was just talking without thinking as usual, but she did say, while watching me and Jay with Kameryn, "Man, isn't it sad that your first baby can't just be like the first pancake? You know so much more with the second one." I don't even think I responded at all. What do you say to someone that just told you it's too bad you can't throw away your firstborn?
I don't fool myself into thinking that my life with Kameryn is going to be perfect. I know I won't be a perfect mom, and I don't expect the perfect child. I hope she knows that no matter what mistakes are made, I would never give her up or regret her.
And thankfully, even though I am new at this and awkward with all the new responsibility, I have a bunch of people around me to help me and who love my baby. My mom has been so amazing. She takes Kameryn for walks and always calls her "the little sweetheart." She takes her when I just need to give her to someone and sleep for an hour, and she's always incredibly patient, even when Kameryn is crying. When I get frustrated I go to my mom and watch how she is with the baby and try and copy that.

Our Daughter

Kameryn Lee Ertmann was born April 29, 2006 at 7:41 pm. She was 7 pounds, 13 ounces and 20 inches long. She has dark hair, dark blue eyes and some dark hair. I went to the hospital Saturday morning at around 10, was dialated to a 4 or 5, got my epidural, and got to relax for the rest of the day! I started pushing about an hour before she was born, and overall it was an awesome experience. Plus, she's so beautiful and Jay and I both are so addicted to her since she's been born. She's such an awesome and fun addition to our family.
She's got such a sweet personality, and she always makes us smile. The other day Jay was taking a band-aid off of her foot, and she didn't cry at all. I was praising her, and said, "Kameryn, you did so good! You didn't even cry!" And she raised both of her hands straight up in the air and then brought them down again, as if to say, "I know it, I'm the champion."
I already know she's going to grow up too fast...I can't believe she's already a week old. But she's such a delightful person to be around. Thanks to my family and friends. Everyone has been so supportive.

The New Place

Both Jay and I LOVE our new apartment. Several times the past week we've just sat back and remarked to each other how much we like it and how nice it is to be on our own again. One of the perks for me is the bathroom being so close, I don't even really have to wake up to stumble there several times a night. I know, I know, more than any of you wanted to know.
It's fun that Kameryn has her own room now. We have a crib and a dresser for her and a glider, a whole room just waiting to be used. It makes me miss her, which I know souns crazy, but I'm so excited for her that having it all ready but waiting for her to get here is torture.
Speaking of her dresser, I got so spoiled at my baby shower that her dresser is completely full. And part of her closet. I don't think I'm going to need to buy her clothes until she's 6 months old. And she'll be styling.
Two more weeks, guys. Or less, if I can have it my way. Then I'll be a mom. I can't pretend I'm anywhere NEAR ready for it, but I'm so excited.
And if we have her this weekend, you all should know it's because Danae gave her permission! As soon as my baby shower was over Danae talked into my belly and said, "KAMERYN! This is your Aunt Danae! You can come out now!"

THE BIG MOVE

So, we got our own new place. Thanks to some help from Danae and Gary we were able to get a deposit in quickly enough that no one stole this apartment. And it's a good thing, too, because they would've stolen it! It's two bedroom and one bath, but it's HUGE! It's over 1,000 square feet. It's across the street (almost) from Arctic Cirlce on Orchard Drive in Bountiful. It's privately owned so we don't have a bunch of ammenities, but that's alright because otherwise we'd probably have to pay for them and never use them. Whoever built the apartments was big on SPACE, there's tons of room and a bunch of closets and cupboards. Which is good, we like that.
The funny things about it are the kictchen and the bathroom. The kitchen is pretty much orange and brown, it's halarious, with this funky 70's tile. And the bathroom had flower-patterned wallpaper and a robin's egg blue toilet and sink. They're a little bit tacky, but just tacky enough to be cool and give the place personality.
One of my favorite parts will be setting up Kameryn's new room (even though it's probably wishful thinking to hope she'll spend any time in there for the first few months.) Plus it will be nice to be on our own again. We've both really loved living with my mom because of everything the experience has taught us, and we like spending time with Chelsee and Geoff. But it's like Jay said tonight to Danae, "I love your mom, but I'm ready to move out."
To which Danae replied, "Well Jay, I'm sure my Mom loves you, too. And she's ready for you to move out!"
So, by this time next week we will be comfortably set up in our new place. And even though it was frustrating at first that the apartment in West Jordan didn't work out and then annoying that we got turned down in North Salt Lake for bad credit, I think this is gonna be better than any of those places. Even with the blue toilet.

About ME

THINGS I LIKE: Slurpees from 7-11, warm summer nights, turning on the radio and hearing the very beginnning of a song I like, a full tank of gas, my cats, Tracy Chapman, Tori Amos and Ani Difranco, seeing ultrasounds of Kameryn Lee, reading blogs, Austrailian accents, waking up with Jay, reading Celebrity Gossip magazines, knowing a piece of Celebrity Gossip before Danae, the words "headspace" and "intuitition", Trent Reznor, re-living the Nine Inch Nails concert in my head when a song comes on the radio, the smell of coffee and the way walking into a coffee shop makes me feel (though it's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy that one), Prince, art from local artists, having a Rent shirt that we bought in New York long before the movie came out, cracking jokes with my mom.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE: When people call the clinic and they only speak Spanish, President Bush or anyone on his administration, looking up a "Britney Spears" song or video on Limewire and all that pops up is porn, the sound of cats fighting, anything having to do with "The Traditional Family", the song "Golddigger," when people's cell phones go off in the clinic and their ringtone is the song "Golddigger," when people call the clinic wanting to talk to a specific person with a question only they can really answer and then saying, "Well, maybe you can help me", having the phone ring at home and having it be Toll Free or Discover Card, Styx, and thinking I have more candy when I've actually already eaten it all.

My Favorite Part...

We went to childbirth classes today, and I have to say my favorite part was when our teacher, Maja, (said Maya) passed out what looked like crochet needles. She said, "This is for breaking your water. They'll stick this up there and just nick your water sac. The purpose of this part is to get the doctor as wet as possible."

No Sense of Rhythm, Just Like Her Dad

We went to our appointment today and I got a couple ultrasounds. First one was done by a sonographer, but she didn't really tell us what she was looking at or looking for, she just kept looking at baby's heart and turning the sound on and off so we could hear baby's heartbeat. She did do measurements again and she told us that Kameryn is right on track as far as growth, which everybody likes to tell us but we don't mind because we never really get tired of hearing it.
Then the doctor came in and did pretty much the same thing. She said, "Yeah, it looks like baby's heart is just doing more of those early beats...which is fine with us." An odd way to finish the sentence if you ask me. But she found Kameryn's heart again and listened to it and says that she just needs to mature a little.
She had just found the right spot and was watching Kameryn's heart and Kameryn just moved right out of the way, which is another thing that she always does but doesn't get any less funny. Jay said, "Yeah, she's kinda stubborn like that." And the doctor started talking to my stomach about how Kameryn shouldn't worry her parents and make them drive out to the hospital in the snow, and that she was glad that we took good care of her even though she was a stubborn little baby.
So they think that my baby, though stubborn, will be fine. Which I met with mixed emotions, because I'm almost ready for them to say, "Alright, head over to the hospital, let's get this baby out." It's good, though, I want her to be healthy.
And we might have to start doing ultrasounds every week if the Non-Stress Tests don't work, but that's alright with me too. She's a funny baby to watch, and I love when we get to see her face. Jay and I keep debating about whose nose she got. I guess we'll find out for sure here pretty soon.

Baby's Heart

So despite them telling me that baby's heart condiditon was "benign" a week ago, at my check-up today they found that it's beating even more irregularly than it was a week ago. Which means I'm back off to the specialist in the morning to see what's going on. They say the whole thing increases my chances of a C-section, and if for some reason they find that the baby is hurting herself and needs help they'll deliver her early. I told my doctor to bring it on. We'll see what the specialist says tomorrow, though. I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.

REJECTED

Credit-schmedit. FINE. So we're not going to move into the apartments we were looking at because our credit score isn't high enough. So, back to the drawing board, I guess. It's alright, we didn't have our hearts set on it, the only real problem is that we're running out of time. In fact, you may notice we only have ONE month left today....

The Countdown....

And for those of you who aren't keeping track at home, we're currently to 4 weeks and 5 days until our daughter is born.

The Big Move

I am happy to report that Jay and I turned in an application to an apartment yesterday and we are thinking we can be moved out by April 14. It's a place in North Salt Lake called the Peachtree Apartments, and we looked at them and really liked them yesterday. They even have two bedrooms so we can set Kameryn up with her own room, which I know at first she'll never be in, but it's the thought that counts, right?! So we find out about everything on Monday. Please wish us luck. It will be so nice to finally be in a place of our own again.

The One Baby Trap I Never Want to Fall Into....

The other day at work one of the MAs was walking through the front office area where I was sitting and she saw our office manager. The office manager had picked up her jacket and purse and was getting out her keys, and the question the MA asked her was, "Are you going bye-bye?" I think I visably cringed. I'm the youngest one there. Do you still "go bye bye" when you're 50 years old? I think not.
So my friends, you have to do me this favor. If I ever ask you a baby question in public thinking I'm actually communicating in a way that is appropiate, I hope you will sit me down and send me to some therapy. "Going bye bye?" Come on now.

AND THEN TO TOP IT OFF

To add insult to injury, the doctor also said that until Kameryn's born I shouldn't have any soda or chocolate because the caffeine will speed up her heart. And it's harder than you think to quit! I told my mom about it this morning and then had a big ol' glass of chocolate milk, not even thinking! Plus we have my birthday pies still, and it's just so mean to say I can't have a slice when they're just sitting there in all their seducing chocolate-y goodness.

Checking Baby's Heart

Last time we went to my regular Dr.'s appointment, Dr. Mears was listening to Kameryn's heart and noticed that it skipped a beat. She gave me an ultrasound and set me up to a monitor, which for those of you who don't know is basically them velcro-ing a microphone to your stomach and listening to the baby's heartbeat, but it also prints out a paper like an EKG machine. She said that from what she could tell Kameryn Lee looked okay, her heart had great fluctuations and she could tell by the ultrasound that she was swallowing the ambiotic fluid like she should, but she still wanted to send me to a specialist.
So this Friday I went to the Woman's Pavillion at St. Mark's hospital to have a specialist look at her heart. We didn't geta doctor right away, we hada sonographer come in and look at her first, and despite it being a nerve-racking visit to see if my baby was in distress, he made it kind-of fun. He measured Kameryn's head and brain, her abdomen and checked her kidneys, stomach, liver and bladder, checked her legs, verified that she was a girl, looked at my placenta which is perfectly placed, and also looked at the blood flow coming in from the umbilical cord, which also looks good. My favorite part was when he showed us her face. She's got big ol' chubby cheeks! We couldn't see down past her top lip because she had her arm up over her face sucking on her wrist. She looked so sweet, it was fun to see her move, but she definatly had an attitude as well. She kept kicking when the sonographer would press on her. I couldn't help lauhging. She's always been an active baby. She seems to catch doctors off guard with her attentiveness and reactions.
They did have to have another doctor come in and do another ultrasound, but they've determined that her heart is okay. It beats normally, and then after about 6 normal beats it gets ahead of itself and wants to fire off a beat before it should. Then it sounds like it skips the beat, but it's the heart catching itself back up, and then she beats normally again. They say it's something we should watch, but she'll probably be fine, we just need to make sure that her heart doesn't continue to get faster. He says he wants me on the baby monitor at my regular doctors office every week and for 30 minutes each time, but he's not too worried about it.
So, luckilly she's doing well and we don't have to worry about her coming early. Which is good, because I still can't completely grasp the fact that I'm having a baby and I only have 5 weeks and 6 days left! I already can't believe how fast it goes by, I see Danae sick in her first trimester and Jay will tell me, "You were the same way!" And I don't remember it. Hopefully that will be true of labor, too. Danae will be like, "Oh man, it was awful! It hurt so much!" And I'll be like, "Did it?" Maybe that's why you're so sleep deprived after having a baby, they need to wipe away your memories of labor if they want any brothers or sisters!

Despite Myself

Last night we went and saw "V for Vendetta" and at one point V holds up a needle and syringe, and for the rest of the scene I was completely distracted wondering where he was going to throw it away since there wasn't a Sharp's container anywhere.

Today was my birthday and once again my family has spoiled me rotten. Dad came up for dinner despite his car troubles, Mom made me the best beef stroganoff ever and bought me birthday pies, Wesley called and talked to me from Alaska, Allison also called and talked to me a couple times and made an excellent "Top 10" list that cracked me up. Danae gave me Dead Poets Society which absolutely rocks because of how upset I was the other day when I wanted to watch it and couldn't find it anywhere, Chelsee went above and beyond with buying me baby outfits, blankets and burp cloths, and Geoffrey taught us all an important birthday lesson: The holy land is in Africa.
I love all you guys, thank you so much for everything. I appreciate all of you remembering and everything you do for me.

Yesterday Jay was telling me that he'd been thinking about it, and one of the reasons he's excited for Kameryn to come is because "We get to take cupcakes to school on her birthday!" My husband is so cute. My baby will be spoiled rotten.

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH JAY WHILE HE'S SLEEPING:

"Hey Jay, are you hungry?"
"No, I don't feel good."
"Why don't you feel good?"
"My stomach is upset."
"Did you eat something that upset your stomach?"
"No, someone filled my ears with food."
"What does that mean?"
Jay, getting frustrated, "It means that someone filled my ears with soup and now I don't feel good!"
Me: "Did they use a funnel?"
Jay, even more frustrated. "NO, THEY USED A WAND! ....STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

But really, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. The kid doesn't feel good because some asshole filled his ears with soup and gave him an upset stomach. Silly for me to even need to ask!

A LIST OF BABY LISTS

Things That I'm Completely Excited For:
1. Seeing my baby for the first time. I have this idea in my head of what it will be like to have them hand her to me for the first time, and I think it will be one of the greatest moments in my life, topped only by the same moment with my other kids, if I choose to have other kids. I'm excited to meet her and have her meet me.
2. Watching Jay with her. Jay has wanted to start a family since I first knew him. My sister-in-law joked with me when we told her we were getting married that I should expect to have a baby right away, because it's all Jay has wanted as long as she's known him. I know all dad's are taken with their children, but I think Jay will bring loving and spoiling his baby to a whole new level! :)
3. Watching her grow up. I'm a little scared of her when she's brand new, I'm counting on my mom being there to make sure I get through it. New babies are so fragile and helpless, I'm scared of needing to be everything for this baby and then coming up short. But I'll love it as she gets older and learns to laugh and to coo.

Things I'm Terrified Of:
1. Everything. I don't know how women do it, honestly. I watch women do it from afar, and I see that after you have a baby you're it's feeding source and it's protection and it's security. And on top of that you're sore and you're sleep deprived, and yet you have to step up and be everything for this baby because that's what it's counting on you to do.
2. And you do it because you love them. Right off the bat, you love them, or that's what I've heard. And I think loving something that much is scary. I watch moms bring their babies in when their babies are sick and it's hard to tell which one is more miserable, the baby who is feeling worse than it ever has in it's life up to this point, or the mom, who has to sit back and watch and can't do anything.
3. Myself. I'm not a nice person when I'm hungry or tired. Ask my husband. I'm scared of the way this baby is going to test me and I'm scared I'm gonna come up short.

Things I'm Grateful For:
1. Despite my bitching, I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that Jay and I can have kids. It wasn't planned and she may not come when it would be easiest for us, but there are people out there who have to try for YEARS to have kids, and some who never can. I'm happy that we're not in that group.
2. My family and friends. Everyone has been so supportive of us, and I really appreciate it. I especially love that I know my mom's gonna take a week off of work to help me and be with me, because I really feel like I'll be learning from the best.
3. Jay. He loves our baby so much already, and he's been everything I've needed him to be. He cooks for me, he comes to every appointment with me, and he's excited and scared with me. Single moms, I don't know how you do it. I think you're incredibly brave and strong. I'm glad I don't have to be that way and I have my husband with me on this one.

WESLEY

Today is Wesley's birthday, and Wes, I just want to say Happy Birthday and that I love you. There are so many things I admire about you, and one of them is that you always do your own thing, be it teaching English in China or studying for a semester at Cambridge or writing for a paper in Alaska, you always seem content to re-invent yourself and your surroundings and you do it with a total grace, you make it seem so easy. I like that you're so intelligent and that you also have an artistic side to you that keeps you doing plays and musicals. I wish you were closer so I could watch them. And I love it when you're around. You're fun to talk to and you're fun to laugh with. I think it's so awesome that you're coming down to see my baby and I can't wait to see you.
Happy birthday, Wes. I wish you all the best.

ANYONE WANT TO PLAY?!

The other night Jay and I were talking before we went to bed about when we thought Kameryn would finally come. He says he's always had the feeling that she'll come a few days early and be born at the end of April, I think she's gonna come a few days after my due date, probably around May 9th or 10th. Anyone else want to weigh in? I'm not sure what the winner will get, but I'll try and think of something really cool....

Yesterday driving home I saw a bumper sticker on some guy's really nice black truck that just ruined the whole thing for me. It said REDNECK in bold letters, and the letters were colored so that the word made a confederate flag. To me, this is the equivilant of buying a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a worthless ignorant dumb-shit" and putting it on your car. Maybe I should do it and see how many I sell.

I have to say, and I know this is random, but right now I feel bad for the hockey team, the Utah Grizzlies. They're playing Alaska tonight IN ALASKA, and come on, who are you gonna cheer for in that one? The little Utah Desert team or the team that was BORN ON THE ICE?! And more than that, I bet the Alaskan team is like, "Dude, Utah Boys, have you ever even SEEN a Grizzly?" And the Utah team is gonna have to be like, "Yeah, in the zoo once." Come on now. Hopefully the Alaskan team will be nice. But I, for one, will not be surprised if the Utah boys come home with their spirits broken. Alaska is just better suited for it, guys. Sorry about that one.